CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - October 2008

In this issue

The Center for Adoption Support and Education is proud to be selected as "One of the best small charities" by the Catalogue for Philanthropy: Greater Washington

Making Lifelong Connections: One Adoptive Mother's Gift to Her Girls

Ask Ellen: Making Connections in Adoption

Take a Journey into the Rainforest
C.A.S.E.’s 12th Annual Kids Adoption Network Carnival
Focuses on Preserving Connections in Adoption

The Center for Adoption Support and Education is proud to be selected as "One of the best small charities" by the Catalogue for Philanthropy: Greater Washington

Chosen from a field of 200 applicants, The Center for Adoption Support and Education survived a rigorous vetting process and was selected, according to Catalogue President, Barbara Harman, as "one of the best small charities in the Washington, DC region."

A panel of 60 expert reviewers from area foundations, corporate giving programs and larger non-profit organizations participates in the annual review process. Each year 68 new nonprofits are featured - and all 350 organizations (including C.A.S.E.) can be viewed online at cfp-dc.org.

"In this year's tough economy and volatile stock market environment," said Catalogue President Barbara Harmon, "non-profits face an even tougher challenge than usual. Donors are fortunate to have the Catalogue as a trusted advisor on how to make wise end-of-year contributions that will truly have impact."

We are proud and honored to join the Catalogue family this year as it will help us to reach out to individuals who would otherwise never hear our story. The Catalogue's stamp of approval is appreciated by donors across the country as "the good housekeeping seal" of non-profit organization.

To learn more. see the C.A.S.E. feature in this year's edition and to request your copy (available in November) visit the website. Please help spread the word about the Catalogue so that all of us can work together to deepen the culture of giving in our nation's capital.

Making Lifelong Connections: One Adoptive Mother's Gift to Her Girls
by Veronica Kerr

"What? Will you repeat that, please?" I asked the clerk at the American Embassy in Moscow with disbelief. She repeated the statement, adding more detail this time. "Maria and Olga have a sister who is five years older. She is a half sister; they have the same mother but different fathers."

My husband and I exchanged shocked glances as we tried to figure out what to do next. We did not have a translator to talk with our new daughters, Maria and Olga, because there was no room in the car for another person. An extensive range of thoughts swirled through my brain. My emotions quickly fluctuated between sadness, disbelief and anger - intense anger - at the people involved and at the system.

Why weren't we told about their sister earlier? Even though she was too old to adopt, someone should have told us about her. My immediate thought was to go back to their village, an 8-hour drive, so that our girls could say good-bye to their sister.However, we still had to register the girls at the Consulate and finalize other details before flying back to the U.S. in two days.

I consoled my confusion by thinking about what the clerk said next. “Their sister is much older and they probably were not close, maybe they didn’t even know each other well.” Allowing that thought to take hold in my mind was a mistake.

Seven long years passed before we were able to take the trip back to Russia to reconnect with their sister, who now has two beautiful daughters of her own, Olga and Vika. Those seven years were filled with sadness, confusion, anger and longing for both of my daughters.

Two weeks after they arrived in the U.S., Maria turned thirteen years old. Olga turned twelve one month later. They had so many memories – so many connections to their country and their culture – that I could not, and did not want to, ignore them. We encouraged our girls to maintain fluency in their language by buying books and movies and magazines and I immediately began planning for the eventual trip back to Russia.

We hired a translator and encouraged the girls to keep in touch with their sister, Julia, as well as with friends and teachers at the orphanage. Through letters, we learned the sad news that both of their biological parents had died while they were in the orphanage, leaving a void in their lives and hearts that will never be filled.

Maria and Olga received their first letter from Julia, three short months after arriving here. It came on the last day of school before summer and included a phone number for Julia’s neighbor, since she did not have a phone of her own. What joy that letter brought to my daughters, lighting up their faces in a way I had not seen in those first three months!

And so the years passed with much happiness and great sorrow, but at least with letters exchanged, phone calls shared and shopping trips made for Julia and her daughter Olga. In fact, packing those gifts and waiting in line at the post office to send them off provided some wonderful memories for us all, as we waited for the day when we could travel to Russia. And what a day that finally was, this past March. A day filled with excitement and anxious anticipation of what was to come, what was to be uncovered, and how we would react to it all.

The trip home to Russia not only enabled reconnection with their past but allowed the formation of new and vital connections for their future; connections with their brother-in-law and two precious nieces.

In many ways, it was a difficult trip that evoked a range of emotions in all of us – emotions that we knew were likely and that we had prepared for as best we could, thanks to the help of Debbie Riley, our girls’ counselor for the past five years.

Seeing their sister brought tremendous joy, of course. Visiting their parents’ gravesites, the saddest scene I have ever witnessed, enabled Maria and Olga to continue to put closure to those crucial relationships. Visiting the home where they grew up was a scene of mixed emotions: a combination of happy and horrific memories that allowed all three sisters to re-experience, talk and console one another, while standing on the sites that shaped their lives. And, when it was time to return, saying good-bye to her and her family consumed us all with profound sadness.

Even so, the photos and movie of our trip to Russia reassure me that I made the right decision by encouraging and supporting my daughters’ connections to their country, their culture, and to their family and friends. And while it is true that being there uncovered old, haunting memories it also provided my girls with beautiful new memories. Each memory and every moment is instrumental to their healing from the serious trauma of their early lives.

I am grateful that our trip provided healing and much-needed closure for Maria and Olga and sad to think that a lot of anguish may have been alleviated, had I been able to follow my heart on that cold, confusing day. Taking them back in March, 2008 was the best gift I have ever given to them.

I was blessed with daughters who came to me with a past that I couldn’t ignore, didn’t want to ignore and that they wouldn’t let me ignore. And I am glad I followed my heart this time around.

Ask Ellen: Making Connections in Adoption
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

Dear Ellen,
Our 12-year-old daughter has been asking more questions lately about her birth parents. We actually have contact information and are thinking about writing to her birth mother. However, when I shared this with a friend, another adoptive mother, she was shocked, asking why I would allow contact before my daughter is 18. I'm not sure what to do.

While still controversial, the adoption field has been steadily moving in the direction of recognizing the importance of connections in the lives of all who are touched by adoption. Emotional well-being, healthy growth and development are promoted through these vital connections. In domestic private agency or independent adoption, an adoption without some form of contact between birth and adoptive family members is becoming rare. Even in public domestic adoptions, where children have been removed from their families and adopted through foster care, continued contact with birth family which was once unheard of is changing as well.

Children continue to have visitation with birth parents and more effort is being made to maintain sibling relationships when siblings are living with different families. In international adoption, families are returning to birth countries with their children, sometimes visiting the orphanages, foster families and reuniting with birth family…something unimaginable years ago. Sometimes the connections are with birth parents, sometimes it is with grandparents, sometimes it is with siblings, sometimes with other extended relatives.

The fact is that there is no one right way—no one right time -- for these connections to happen.   Adoptive parents used to think, “You’ll meet your birth parents when you’re 18, 21.” That’s the way it’s done. Not so anymore. In domestic adoption, some families continue the contact and build their relationships right from the start – from birth. Others write letters, send e-mail, phone calls, cards, pictures – and meet at some point as their child grows, often in middle childhood.   Some establish contact during adolescence. Connections are not a one-size fits all experience.    In international adoption, some families are fortunate to continue correspondence with orphanage staff, foster families and birth family. They travel back with their children at all ages – through multi-family birth country tours arranged through agencies and other adoption-related groups, or on their own. And certainly, adults of all ages are pursuing contact when it is right for them – as well as making decisions about contact when they are found by birth family members.    This is certainly true in domestic adoption, and adults traveling back to their country of origin to reunite with birth family are a growing phenomenon as well.

The reality remains that in both domestic and international adoption, actual connection/ relationships with birth family may be unlikely, just not possible, or not desirable for any number of understandable reasons. However, it is certainly possible and vitally important to honor a child’s connections to their past in other ways. Information means so much to our children, even when it involves pain and difficulty.

In sum, while adopted children, teens and their families share many commonalities, every child is unique as is their adoption story. Parents need to be able to determine what is best for their children when making decisions about relationships with birth family, as opposed to adhering to some “one size fits all” beliefs. It is also perfectly appropriate to seek professional assistance for guidance with decisions around contact with birth family.

Take a Journey into the Rainforest
C.A.S.E.’s 12th Annual Kids Adoption Network Carnival
Focuses on Preserving Connections in Adoption

For just a moment, think about the world’s rainforests. What an amazing ecosystem! Even though it’s out of our everyday world, it is most definitely connected to you – and to everyone. Formidable and fragile all at the same time, we must preserve the rainforests.

Connections in adoption are like the rainforests: Powerful and precarious, simple and complex – all at the same time.

Using the theme of rainforests, our invigorating journey for kids will celebrate the wonders of being a part of an adoptive family through art activities, games and even some hip hop dance!

Children’s workshops like “Life Under the Canopy” and “Jungle Explorer” will help children create their own rainforests and engage them with games to discover and reflect upon the connections and layers of their own family’s ecosystems. And, of course, the Teen Team Challenge, led by Gary Tublin, will promote individual growth, change and performance.

New this year: Birth siblings are also encouraged to participate in a separate program that will allow them to explore their thoughts and feelings about being part of an adoptive family.

And parents – you’ll also explore the intricate “ecosystems in adoption” – through the personal journeys of adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents (and birth grandparents) and by siblings. Our keynote speaker, Lynn Price, founder of “Camp to Belong,” is an adult adoptee who was separated from her sister through foster care. Lynn has spend most of her career as a social entrepreneur, author and national speaker who advocates on behalf of children with regard to maintaining sibling connections.

Click here for details and to register online. Space is limited, so time is of the essence.