E-Newsletter -
Feb 2009
In this issue
Once They Hear My Name
CyberBullying: Keeping Kids Safe in the Age
of Technology
Ask Ellen: Responding
to Hurtful Statements
C.A.S.E. Connections:
Meet Mari Itzkowitz
"Once
They Hear My Name"
On Saturday, March 28, The Center and Adoption Support will proudly
present, “Once They Hear My Name,” a revealing workshop based
upon the book of the same title. The program will breathe life into the
feelings and struggles that Korean adoptees face along their journeys
toward forming identity. Meet co-authors Marilyn Lammert, Psy.d and Ellen
Lee, LCSW-C as they discuss this universally important topic with a panel
of adoptees who are also featured in the book.
In a recent interview with Ellen Singer, LCSW-C, Ms. Lammert, an adoptive parent
of two young adults (Katharine, adopted domestically and Adam, adopted from Korea),
gives a hint of what attendees will discover:
Ellen: Marilyn, as a therapist and adoptive parent,
I can understand your interest in this topic. But what specifically
inspired you to do this book?
Marilyn: Certainly as a parent
raising a child from Korea, I have seen how my son has faced
the challenges involved in being raised in an American, Caucasian
family in terms of forming his identity and integrating his
Korean heritage into that identity. My colleague, Ellen Lee
and I wanted to learn more about how Korean adoptees experience
this process of identity and share these insights to benefit
other adoptees and their families.
We wanted to know if – and how – different factors impact
the journey: e.g., genetics, environment, having other adopted Korean
siblings, being the only Korean with Caucasian, or bio siblings, being
an only child, growing up in primarily Caucasian vs. diverse communities,
parenting styles, etc.
Ellen: What kinds of questions did you ask the interviewees?
Marilyn: We asked them how they felt about their experiences
in their family, in school, dating, and in their internal world,
throughout the different phases of development: as children, pre-teens,
teens. We also asked them about what experiences they comfortably shared
with their parents, what they did not share and why.
Ellen: Were you surprised by what you learned
from the interviewees?
Marilyn: Oh, yes! We learned so much. It was such a
moving experience.
I was amazed at the openness and honesty of these young adults
and their willingness to share their stories, their thoughts and feelings.
For many of the adults, I think this was really an important healing
and enlightening experience for them. No one had ever asked them questions
like ours before, and so they talked about things that they had never
talked about before. They were so generous, really, in their willingness
to help others understand.
In addition, it was incredible to hear from the adults about
all of the different ways they had responded to the challenges they faced
(and continue to face) as they developed their senses of identity. For
example, one theme that kept emerging was the need to cope with feeling
as if they don’t “exactly fit in” with either culture,
American or Korean.
Ellen: Now that you have completed this amazing book,
and as the adoptive parent of young adults, are there bits of knowledge that
you have now that you wish you had when Adam and Katie were young?
Marilyn: You know, Ellen, I thought I was a pretty “on
the ball” and savvy parent. But I think that even I didn’t know just
how much children don’t tell their parents about experiences with
racism and teasing that is related to being part of a transracially adoptive
family. Children carry these burdens alone much more than parents know.
Parents need guidance when it comes to knowing how to uncover
what is really going on in the lives of their children. I know many adoptive
parents who wrongly assume that things are so different today than in
the past – that people are more accepting of difference, that prejudice
and stereotypes are gone, and that schools stress acceptance, etc. But
things are not so different.
Many of the same stereotypes still exist. Children and teens
are still teasing and bullying. And they are using adoption and race
to do so. No child is immune from teasing and our children are especially
vulnerable.
Parents may want to deny the significance of race – of being Korean – in
the safety of their own families, but when their children
are out in the world, the world sees them as Asian.
Excerpts from “Once They Hear My Name: Korean Adoptees and Their
Jorneys Toward Identity”
ADAM
Also, my parents told me that they had noticed that I was
being kind of obliquely teased by my peers at my old elementary
school. I personally don’t remember, but that’s what they say. So, I could have
felt left out, or not really ostracized, but kind of liked to a lesser
degree, I guess. I don’t remember, or I’ve blocked it out.
In middle school, I experienced much more teasing. Everyone
was beginning to go through adolescence, and everyone was
awkward, very self-conscious, and then there was me…
For example there was this one kid I had been friends with
in my neighborhood elementary school, and then in seventh
grade, in the middle of the year, he started calling me “chink” for no
apparent reason…. that was, I think, the first time I really
started getting hurt emotionally by racism, or by name-calling…
I just tried to ignore it, which is what I had been told was
the best way to cope. But, I mean, I could ignore it on the
surface, but I couldn’t really ignore it internally…
TODD
Not surprisingly, my first real interaction with Koreans didn’t happen
until college… I chose a large university, the University of Maryland,
because I wanted to go somewhere with people from every walk of life. I soon
discovered that in universities people tend to hang out with their own kind.
I can see how it’s necessary, but diversity ended up being a synonym
for segregation. I started hanging out with some Koreans, opening a whole
different door to my life… When it came to fitting in with them, I
felt like I did, but it didn’t always work…
When I got to college I said I was adopted, right off the bat. I would always
bring it up – even today – because, I mean, there’s no
hiding it. It doesn’t bother me, but once they hear my last name, people
always ask uncomfortable questions. Actually, in college, it wasn’t
just because of my name. It was just so obvious that I was ignorant of the
Korean culture. Ironically, I think I was labeled the “white” Todd,
even though there was another Todd my friends knew who was actually Caucasian…
The only way people can tell now is when the try to speak Korean to me. In
time, I was able to successfully assimilate to both cultures.
CyberBullying: Keeping Kids Safe in the Age of Technology
Like so many pre-teens, Brian looked forward to
spending time after school and on the weekend making new friends
on MySpace. He liked chatting, meeting people and exploring
ideas with other kids who had similar profiles. One friend
in particular - was occupying a lot of his online time. How
could Brian possibly know that his new best friend is actually
a registered sex offender?
Technology is an inevitable and integral part of our world. The
youngest preschoolers are already on computers visiting websites
like Webkins and Nickjr. Anybody with a pre-teen knows the
allure of Instant Messaging and the importance of having the “in” cell
phone. Many of today's generation of new parents have their
own FACEBOOK or MySpace account.
Certainly, no parent is unaware of the dangers associated with
the cell phones and the Internet. The media is fraught
with sensational stories of sexual predators looking to connect with
teens online and even about teens who have taken their lives as
a result of cyber bullying.
Parents may think these things would never happen to their children,
but such complacency is a mistake. Keeping children safe in the world
of cyberspace is as important a parental responsibility as keeping them
safe in every other ways we take for granted. The question is, “How?”
What do parents need to know and do? What are developmentally appropriate
limits? How do parents become knowledgeable enough to keep up with
technology that is always growing and changing?
C.A.S.E. is proud to present her important workshop, “Keeping
Kids Safe” on Thursday, April 23.
Ms. Baron’s presentation helps parents to:
- educate children as to all of the wonderful ways they can
use these instruments of communication in a respectful way;
- teach children about the consequences of cyber-bullying and self-disclosure
and what to do if they are a victim of cyber bullying;
- set limits based upon developmental readiness as well as the nature
of an individual child; parent-child communication/agreements about
technology use
- teach children how to be safe in this world of communication; help
them understand the potential drawbacks to communication via IM, e-mail,
FACEBOOK, MySpace
- work as a team with other parents and school personnel to do these
things in the best way possible for the children
- learn resources for age-appropriate technology and parental controls
As adoptive parents, we worry about our children’s
added layer of emotional vulnerability because they face challenges
related to making sense of adoption. Parents in transracial
adoption may be concerned about their children experiencing
racism. Adoption-sensitive experts from C.A.S.E. will also
be there to address your specific concerns related to adoption
and safety in cyberspace.
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Ask
Ellen: Responding to Hurtful Statements
by
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
Dear Ellen,
The other day, my 10 year old son was angry at me because I
set a limit on his screen time. He said to me, "I don't have
to listen to you. You’re not my real mother." I was
devastated and didn't know what to do."
Ah, what a clever ten year old boy that is. He figured out a “button” that
most adoptive parents have and pushed it. Most adoptive parents fear
the time that their child will say, “You are not my REAL mother/father.” It
is such a loaded statement.
It embodies adoptive parents’ often unspoken worries about whether
their adopted child will somehow feel less authentically connected to
them, attached to them, love them once they begin to understand what
it means to being raised by parents who did not give birth to them.
The fact is, in most situations, while the statement may certainly
reflect something related to an adopted child’s making sense of
what it means to be adopted, it almost NEVER reflects an adopted child’s
sense of love and attachment to their
adoptive parent(s).
Instead, said in anger, it is meant to convey just that – anger – and
is likely intended to be hurtful in order for the child/teen to thwart
a parent’s directive, win an argument, or gain power.
It is therefore a powerful statement, meant to distract the
parent from the content of the interaction – in this case, limit
setting around screen time. Understanding this, adoptive parents are
advised to respond by saying, “We are not talking about adoption
right now. We are talking about screen time privileges (or (your room
being cleaned, use of the car, etc.). If you want to talk about our relationship
or adoption, we can do that at another time.).”
To find out what feelings may be behind your son’s statement and
to initiate a dialogue, parents are advised to approach their child at
some later point in time, when there is calm – not during the moment
of conflict – and ask, “When you said….was there something
you are wanting to say about adoption, about your birth parents, about
our relationship, etc.?”
As for the continual battle about screen time, many adoptive
parents, like all parents, can feel ill- equipped to manage their children’s
behavior in effective ways and without the common frustrations that accompany
yelling, cajoling and punishing – actions which can foster more
negativity.
Want to know more about setting effective limits without constant
battles? Register for Love and Logic (for details, visit the program
calendar page).
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C.A.S.E. Connections:
Meet Mari Itzkowitz
Connecting to families and professionals is important to us. And,
since so many readers have asked, we want to introduce you to the many
adoption-sensitive experts that make C.A.S.E. such an amazing national
resource:
Mari J. Itzkowitz, LCSW, manages our Adoptive Family Preservation
(AFP) Project in the state of Virginia (which provides therapy and educational
support to families who have adopted through the Virginia foster care system)
and provides adoption-competent clinical services to adopted children, teens
and parents/ families who adopted domestically or internationally.
When asked about the meaning of her connections to C.A.S.E. families, Mari
was happy to share:
Why I love working at CASE
Working together with families has always been my goal as a clinician. I'm
a believer in families being the foundation for just about everything we do in
our lives. Helping adoptive families fortify their foundations is very gratifying.
Working with the team at C.A.S.E. is something I find very rewarding. The
level of expertise, knowledge and experience simply can't be matched in the adoption
field.
The most powerful moment I've experienced at C.A.S.E.
Working with a family with two adoptive children and one biological child, I
met for a session with adoptive dad and his daughter. The father, with
great eloquence and emotion related to her what it was like the first time he
saw her and held her. He described the sense of responsibility he felt
from the birth family, who were present, to care for her and love her.
Though this pre-teen had heard her adoption story many times, she had never heard
her dad
relate his emotions. It was powerful and brought them to a much deeper level
of communication and understanding.
What adoptive families have taught me:
Patience, empathy, grace, stick-to-itiveness, flexibility and listening, are
the keys.
What I hope to impart on the families I work with.
That sometimes just hanging in there and loving your child, especially when they
are driving you nuts, is three quarters of the battle.
You can look back at mistakes, but you can't change them. You can only change
the future.
Kids crave structure and boundaries, even though you would never guess it.
No one knows your child better than you do, but asking for help is not admitting
a failure as a parent.
With more than 10 years of specialized experience in the areas of loss and healing,
Mari's expertise includes transitional loss and role adjustment, healing after
unexpected life changes and working with foster children and families as they
prepare for adoption.
Mari graduated from the University of Wisconsin with a Bachelor of Science in
Education and received her Masters of Social Work from The Catholic University
of America.
C.A.S.E. is proud to have Mari on our dedicated team!
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