E-Newsletter -
Jan 2009
In this issue
Family Connections:
Our Ethiopian Journey
Be Part of Cutting Edge Research
Kids Adoption Network Carnival Connects Local Area Families
to a World of Options
When it Comes to
Adoption Awareness, How Does Your Child's
School Stack Up?
Staff
Highlights – Upcoming Events
Dear Ellen
Family Connections: Our Ethiopian Journey
by Maureen Evans
Our definition of “family” expands dramatically when we
consider adoption, when we first become an adoptive family, and then
over the years as our children grow up and create their own new families.
That expansion often involves other-than-our-own races, cultures, heritages,
economics, ethnicities, and geographies.
We may travel thousands of miles to become the parent of a child born
in another corner of our enormous earth. Today, with changing adoption
practices and the astonishing impact of technology, adoptive parents
and adopted children can connect with “family,” in whatever
way we define it.
Some 15 years ago, my husband and I adopted twin girls from Ethiopia,
who were then 6 years old. Adanech and Aselefech fit right in between
our 5-year-old son Christopher and 7-year-old son Sean, both of whom
had also been adopted, as infants from the US. We blinked, and everyone
is now a legal adult, in college or working.
Over the years, conversations about adoption and about race have been
an important part of our lives. Having white parents, being adopted and
being defined as African-American in a race-conscious society have added
challenges to our children’s lives. And along the way and in the
midst of school and soccer and the typically busy American childhood, we talked about Ethiopia and Ethiopians
with our daughters. We have always had Ethiopian friends, patronized
Ethiopian restaurants, enjoyed Ethiopian art and music in our home, and
have attended Ethiopian-related events (fashion shows, religious services,
cultural programs). We worked hard to instill pride in them for their
Ethiopian heritage and did our best to honor it in our home and family
life.
Along with appreciation for heritage comes the reality of the separation
from that heritage. The heritage, of course, is also viscerally intertwined
with biological family. Growing up, each child has had a different perspective
at different times on the idea of searching for birth family. Given the
logistics and laws, each child has had different options, as well. Each
child has always been told that we would support whatever decision each
made about searching, whether it was to refrain from searching, search
only for medical information or embark upon a full-fledged search with
hopes for reunion.
It is a balancing act of sorts. Sadness, fear, anger, acceptance, resistance,
peacefulness, and more have all been part of the discussions and the
journey. As parents, we believed the decision to search for birthfamily
was our children’s decision. If and when they decided to search,
and if they were able to connect with their birthfamily, I quietly hoped
I could be a part of the connection, if only to express my deepest gratitude
at being allowed to parent these amazing, wonderful, deeply loved children.
Because Adanech and Aselefech were 6 years old when they arrived in
the U.S., they had memories of their first family. The memories were
a bit fuzzy: how many brothers and sisters? Were some cousins? Were they
older or younger siblings? As they began to lose the Amharic and Oromiya
they spoke when they arrived, they lost some of the clarity of the memories
as well.
As the girls got older, their understanding of losses and gains became
more mature as well. They wondered, given the realities of life in Ethiopia,
was their birthfamily well? Were they even alive? After much thought
and prayer and conversation, we decided that I would go to Ethiopia by
myself, to see if the birthfamily could be contacted. My daughters, who
wondered who might be dead and who might be alive, were not ready to
travel back to Ethiopia without answers to those questions.
I had worked with Children’s Home Society and Family Services
East, an adoption agency based in Minnesota and located in Maryland.
Our placing agency in 1994 was Americans for African Adoption, the first
agency licensed to work in Ethiopia. AFAA fully supported our family
and our efforts, but did not have the infrastructure to assist us with
this undertaking. We gave CHSFS and their Post-Adoption Services staff
here and in Ethiopia our paperwork from the 1994 adoption. My daughters
were legal adults, 19 years old, and so signed off on all releases and
paperwork.
When I left for Ethiopia, we did not know if any connection could be
made with the birthfamily. I arrived in Addis Ababa on August 13, 2008
and went to CHSFS’s office the next day. The staff there told me
that indeed they had been able to connect with Adanech and Aselefech’s
birthfamily, who lived about 250 miles south of Addis. In fact, the family
was overjoyed to learn that the girls were well and still alive. I called
home to Maryland, and my daughters and I cried tears of joy and amazement
together.
On August 18, with CHSFS Ethiopian staff as guides and translators,
I traveled down to Shashemene. On the side of a busy road, surrounded
by cars, goats, children, and noise, I embraced my daughters’ family—my
family too. We shared a meal together. We exchanged photos and
prayers. We went to the family’s home, the tukul or round, mud
hut with the triangular roof made of sticks. Through translators,
we talked and shared some stories. Mostly, we expressed gratitude
to each other.
Too quickly, it was time to leave. We took more photos, shared smiles
and tears, and I left with the promise that our families would remain
connected. Since then, we have had many conversations here about this
trip, have written letters, and have made plans to visit in mid-2009.
The world is small, and “family” is so large, in our hearts
and in our lives, forever.
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Be Part of Cutting Edge Research
Do you ever wonder “How can I help my teen cope with racial
discrimination?” … “What is the most effective
way to parent a teen whose race is different from mine?”… “When
it comes to my minority child’s self-concept, does living in a
diverse neighborhood really make a difference?” If so,
read on…
If you are a white adoptive parent of at least one racial minority teen
(currently age 14-18) who was placed or adopted by the age of four, you
could be part of a cutting edge research project that could lead to improved
services and resources for families like yours. Please help The University
of Maryland Department of Family Science and C.A.S.E. facilitate this
important study. For information, contact Dr. Leigh Leslie at (301) 405-4011
or lleslie@umd.edu.
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Kids
Adoption Network Carnival Connects Local Area Families to
a World of Options
Thanks to the generous support of the Freddie Mac Foundation, The Dave
Thomas Foundation, Maurice Electric and the Golfers Charitable
Association,
our 12th Annual Kids Adoption Network Carnival and Conference
was a huge
success!
Nearly 30% of the children and teens who participated in this
all-day event
were able to do so, thanks to scholarship support.
Among other fun facts:
* Children and teens attending were born in 12 different countries,
including the U.S.
* 55 living terrariums were built by 4th - 7th graders
* 47 bird puppets (528 colorful feathers) were created by 1st
- 3rd graders
* 432 slices of pizza were eaten
* 996 prizes were won
* Countless faces were painted
* Lifelong friendships were launched
* Millions of smiles and hugs were shared
A huge thank you to C.A.S.E. Training Director Valerie Kunsman
for managing
the entire event, as well as our staff
and 35 amazing volunteers!
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When it Comes to Adoption Awareness,
How Does Your Child's
School Stack Up?
Thanks to everyone - all 700 of you - who took the time to
complete our School Adoption Awareness survey last fall. The response
was overwhelming and incredibly enlightening.
Some stats in a nutshell: Responses came from nearly every state
(including Alaska and Hawaii), nearly 83% were from adoptive
parents of at least one (typically more) child in grades 1 through
8.
65.3% of respondents send their children to public schools,
24.1% to private school and 1.4% home school their children (and 9% either
have children in more than one system, or in a specialized school).
So - What's the one thing adoptive parents want teachers,
counselors, principals and others to know? We are real. Expressed
a number of different ways ("We are real parents," "She's our
real daughter," "We are a real family," Our love
is real") being recongized and accepted is first on the
list.
Next on the list: We are not all the same.
“Some students are acutely sensitive to being adopted or in foster
care,” wrote one adoptive parent of a middle-school student in Maryland, “There
is often the assumption that all students come from the same kind of family.
There are huge varieties in types of families - two moms, two dads, grandparents,
etc. Just because a student doesn’t SAY something about being adopted
or in foster care, doesn’t mean she/he is not thinking about it in a
very self-conscious way.”
“There are many types of adoptive families,” wrote another
parent from Texas. “We don’t all fit into one mold (e.g. trans-racial,
multi-cultural, single/gay parent(s), international, adopted from the U.S.
Our children need help with insensitive and uneducated peers. Please think
about assignments and offer alternatives. More often than not, there is no
history, no baby picture or knowledge about who our child looks like, etc.”
Sixty-nine percent of respondents answered “yes” to the
question: Have you shared with your teacher the fact that your son/daughter
is adopted? But the percentage of parents that share declines from
82.5% in first grade to only 53.1% in high school. Interestingly, the
number of parents who said they have shared adoption information with
school counselors increases across the grades, 62.2% in grades 1-3 vs.
70% in high school – while those who shared it with their physicians
remains above 96.8% across all grades.
And while some parents indicated dissatisfaction with schools…
“… Here is what you need to know: You know less about us
than you think. You need to talk with us and REALLY listen.
Some of our children have been traumatized and will have ongoing
needs educationally, in addition to emotional needs. The schools
are the worst advocates… I’m
appalled at lack of sensitivity and laziness…”
The most-often cited reason for not sharing with teachers in middle
and high school: “It is up to my child to tell/share this information.”
Of those parents who said they have not shared with their teachers (about
25% of total respondents) 5% indicated that they intend to do so this
year. Although it was not one of the choices, 25% of those who answered “other” to
this question indicated that “it’s obvious – we’re
a different race” and 5% said “it’s on their IEP.”
Parents were able to select more than one response to the “why
haven’t you shared” question; overall, the reasons for not
sharing are varied.
For example, while 20.5% are concerned about privacy and 15% fear negative
reactions from teachers or peers, 21.8% said being adopted is not (or
should not be) a big issue at home or at school. 31% of all respondents
(more prevalent in grades K-3) said they don’t know who to tell
or how much to share.
Parents did agree that “the person with the most influence over
the school’s culture and curriculum” is the principal and
that, in ranking order, the professionals at school most able to change
culture, curriculum and awareness are the principal, the teacher and
the school counselor.
“The school counselor, the principal and the classroom teacher
all have influence regarding this issue,” wrote a Maryland
parent. “The principal would have to approve any suggestions
made by the counselor and the classroom teacher would have to implement.”
In response to the question, what is the one assignment/activity that
should be changed – the overwhelming responses were: 1) family
tree, 2) bringing in baby photos and 3) genetics assignments.
In the words of parents, here are other activities/events/assignments
that teachers, counselors and principals should be aware of, plan for
and consider when planning activities and managing their classrooms:
“anything having to do with baby photos (matching to see what
parent the baby looks like), family heirlooms, ancestors and also being
careful about discussing politics and/or war in a child's country of
origin.”
"About me." Even the simplest things can be very difficult. –
An autobiography! We actually had teachers (who knew that our mildly
retarded daughter was adopted at age 8 after foster placements (multiple),
confused as to why she shut down in class when they were working on
Autobiographies....come on! –
Handling questions from kids that my daughter doesn't know
how to answer.
Talking about adoption without preparing the child
In social studies, please don’t ask my child to talk about
her country of origin, as if she is an expert or ask her to
speak the language.
Other children teasing the adoptive / foster child
Creating "Mothers Day" and "Fathers Day" gifts/projects
Reading the book The Giver, and talking about whether families that
are not biologically related can be real families. (7th grade)
Some students may actually have a "mixture family" consisting
of both biological & adopted family members--how do you draw this
into a "family tree"?
In our case, it is every assignment. Our son is in 4th grade and
is doing a lot of 1st grade work. He wasn't offered the help he needed
before he came to live with us so now we are playing catch up and it
is very difficult for him.
The FAMILY TREE. Do NOT argue with an elementary school child that she
has to have a father when she tells you she does not!
Talking about traditions. Many children in care don't have holiday
traditions because of moves with different placements. The heredity
Gregorian chart - my daughter didn't do it because she flat out told
her teacher she is adopted and the assignment didn't relate to her.
The family tree thing is really a good opportunity to educate teachers,
counselors, parents and peers about adoption.
For a 2nd grade persuasive writing assignment, writing a letter
to a pretend adoption agency about why you are qualified to adopt an "orphan" stuffed
bear, and then having to present it to class. This actually was assigned
to my son 3 months after his adoption. He was so traumatized by it
that he locked himself in the closet one morning to avoid going to
school.
The baby pictures and the related guess who this is game. I think this
can be problematic for children of minority races who are not adopted too.
To have your "difference" brought up without the child's
permission. Teachers should ask the parents and the child how do they
refer to their adoption, etc. foster children should never be pointed
out or made an example of ever - they are in crisis.
Doing a family time-line...my children aren't even sure where they
were living on certain dates or who they were with from being in foster
care. My daughter had to do it last year and we wrote a note to the
teacher so that she would have some understanding of how difficult
it was for my child.
Being asked about their race and ethnicity, particularly if multi-racial
is not an option.
That adoption/foster care does cause identity issues, confusion,
questions, anxiety, hurt, and attachment difficulties etc in adopted
children but that it is not the only cause of every problem or phase
a child goes through. It is important to acknowledge the fact of adoption
and to balance the sensitivity to adoption issues with a recognition
that other factors may also be at play.
Some children from foster-adoption backgrounds have special emotional
and developmental needs related to attachment that are easily misdiagnosed
without sufficient background knowledge.
Anything family tree related. In an advanced biology class, my son
was asked to chart any instances of physical and mental illnesses in
his family and whether or not the illnesses were hereditary or environmental.
This chart was then put on display for everyone who used that classroom
to view (30 students X 7 classes per day = 210 students). While non-adopted
children may have had mental illness in their families, it probably
didn't occur at the same rate as in my adopted son's birth family,
and this was very embarrassing for him and would have announced to
the high school students that his younger sister, also a student at
the school, had numerous mental illnesses. (We didn't disclose any
information he wasn't comfortable with sharing.)
Reading and discussing novel and stories dealing with
'orphans' and foster children. It is important that such stories/books
be a part of the curriculum, but these are sometimes difficult
for adopted or foster children unless some ground work has been laid
about how to approach these topics.
For more information about how you can approach your school to raise
awareness, find out about S.A.F.E. at School (Support for Adoptive Families
by Educators) – a Manual for Educators in the publications
section of this website.
For more information about empowering your child to handle the questions,
comments and curiosities of others, check out W.I.S.E. Up! and the newest
publication, W.I.S.E. Up! for Children in Foster Care – also in
the publications section.
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Staff Highlights – Upcoming Events
The Center for Adoption Support and Education’s adoption-competent workshops,
trainings and award-winning experts work to benefit foster and adoptive families
across the country. For information on how to schedule an expert speaker or workshop
at your event, please call Valerie at 301-476-8525.
FEBRUARY
Beneath the Mask and Understanding and Working
with Prospective Adoptive Parents for Permanence Conference,
Adoption Resource Center, Wisconsin (Debbie Riley, M.S.)
MARCH
W.I.S.E. Up®for Catholic Charities,
City, State (Valerie Kunsman, MSW and Ellen Singer, LCSW-C)
Oregon Post-Adoption Resource Center, Portland, OR (Debbie Riley,
M.S.)
Beneath the Mask Understanding Adopted Teens for Sierra Adoptions,
Sacramento, CA (Debbie Riley, M.S.)
APRIL
Family Focused Treatment with Children and Adolescents for
the University of Connecticut, Post-Master’s Adoption
Certificate course (Debbie Riley, M.S.)
Beyond Placement and Beneath
the Mask for FRUA, Ft. Worth, TX (Debbie Riley, M.S.)
W.I.S.E. Up! (Parents, Children and Teens)for
Oversees Adoption Support and Information Services – London,
England (Debbie Riley, MS, Ellen Singer, LCSW-C and Sean Delehant,
LCPC)
MAY
Beneath the Mask (Keynote) and Adoption
Through the Eyes of Children: A Developmental Perspective for
NYS Citizens Coalition for Children (Debbie Riley, M.S)
School Advocacy for the University of Connecticut,
Post-Master’s Adoption Certificate course (Debbie Riley,
M.S.)
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Dear
Ellen
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
Last week, my daughter, 15 came home with a new hairstyle. When
she asked me what I thought, I tried to protect her feelings (and her
right to choose) by telling her a fib. I told her it looked nice. Later
that evening, she overheard me telling her father that I didn’t
like it. To our surprise and disbelief, she burst into the room, saying, “You
lied to me about my hair – so what else have you lied about?
What secrets are you keeping about my birth mother?” We have
always openly discussed her adoption story and have shared with her
all the information we know, when she has asked for it. What’s
happening?
As your teen’s thinking becomes more sophisticated, she’ll
want to know more about her adoption. During the early grade-school years,
our children are curious about their adoption story and readily accept
most of the answers we provide. But, by the time they reach adolescence,
their questions grow deeper as they seek to understand their past. They
may wonder, “Why was I given away?” “Was there something wrong with me?” or “Do
my birth parents regret losing me?”
Parents are often caught off-guard when hard questions begin
to surface. They may be surprised by the complexity of the questions
and not know how to respond. Or, if their teen gives them the silent
treatment, they might believe she doesn’t want to talk, preferring
to confide in peers and other trusted adults, instead.
Teens often appear emotionally distant, even when they desperately want
to talk to their parents. That’s why you must be proactive
in initiating conversation. Here’s how:
- Show your teen you’re willing to talk about
adoption. Don’t wait for your son or daughter
to approach you. If you face rejection, don’t give
up. Adoption issues can be emotional and discussing them
requires patience.
- Respect your child’s feelings. Sometimes
teens want to discuss things that make you feel uncomfortable.
For example, they may express a keen interest in, or desire
to meet, their birthparents. Before showing disproval, try
to understand why you feel hurt and discomfort. Imagine what
it’s like to be adopted, and let your child know you
support her.
- Share all available information. Many parents
want to shield their children from painful aspects of their
past. But teens should know as much as possible about their
birth families. You can help your teen make sense of difficult
information and offer support.
- Help your teen make connections to his past. Many
adoptees find comfort in learning about places associated
with their birth family. Some teens wish to revisit their
birthplace or birth country, while others want to contact
their birth family directly. If this is the case, they may
ask you to help conduct a search.
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