CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - May 2009

In this issue

Adoption Stuck Spots: Loyalty Issues for Adopted Children and Parents

Search for Identity: As your teen heads toward adulthood, she'll strive to discover who she is

Adoption Stuck Spots: Loyalty Issues for Adopted Children and Parents
By Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

Robin’s nine-year-old son, adopted from Viet Nam has been asking a lot of questions about his birth family. When Robin shared this with a fellow adoptive mother friend, the friend was surprised and said, “Gee, Danny (adopted domestically) never asks anything. He seems disinterested whenever I try to talk about his birth family.”

We know that no two people are alike and there are many reasons for the variability in how children both process and communicate about adoption. Some kids are natural talkers and easily express their curiosity and their needs. Others are quiet and reflection is more internal than external. However, what we know from working with hundreds of adopted children and adolescents is that the fear of appearing disloyal or of hurting the feelings of their adoptive parents is a strong motivation for kids to avoid the subject of adoption.

Sometimes children’s fears are based in reality – they intuitively sense that their parents are uncomfortable with their interest in birth family. Sometimes fear is caused by their own confusion about how to love two sets of parents. They ponder:What does it mean about my feelings for, my relationship with my adoptive parents, if I am thinking about, missing, or yearning for information/connection with my birth family? In fact, the many adult adoptees we see tell us that the main reason they didn’t ask questions about their birth families was because they feared appearing disloyal. And so, it “never came up.” Their well-meaning parents did not know that they had to take the lead in bringing the subject of birth family up.

The feelings adoptive parents experience are no less complex. Even the most well-meaning adoptive parents – those who take great strides to communicate respect for their children’s birth connections – may still struggle with ambivalence. What makes this so difficult for both adoptive mothers (and fathers)? For part of the answer, one need only look at society’s continuing view of adoption as second best. Can you name one adoptive mother out there who does not cringe (at least inside) when someone refers to their child’s birth mother as “real,” as in, “Do you know anything about his real mother?” or the journalist who asks a famous adoptee, “Don’t you want to find your natural mother?” or the innocent schoolmate who asks, “But you can’t be his real mother, he doesn’t look like you!”

When you’re busy schlepping your child to school, piano, karate or cleaning up bodily discharges from illness at 3:00 a.m., or putting every ounce of love into the birthday cake you baked from scratch, there is little question about how real you feel at this mothering thing. However, when an adoptive mother continually hears the words, “natural” or “real” with regard to a birth mother, it is almost impossible not to feel diminished, deflated, and insulted, as if the adoptive mother is the “pretend,” “inauthentic,” second rate mother.

No matter what route leads us to adoption, and regardless of whether adoption was a first, second or third choice toward parenting, all adoptive mothers fight the continuing challenge to get the world to recognize that adoptive parenting is not second best to biological parenting. This is a legitimate and important part of adoptive parenthood: educating the world that the love and attachment in adoptive families is not different from biological families.

For most adoptive parents, what is more important than society’s view is the sometimes unacknowledged, underlying fear that, some day, their own child will come to hold this view. It is not at all uncommon for adoptive parents to worry if their precious child will someday leave them for their birth mother. They wonder if all their love and care can really trump the pull of biology and if they will always have some shred of feeling like an impostor.

So what’s a conflicted, guilty, well-meaning, loving parent to do? At C.A.S.E., our motto is “Talking is good for everyone.” We encourage parents to use age-appropriate communication about adoption and about birth parents early – to let children know that we know birth parents are important. And by doing this, we can help alleviate their loyalty issues. If parents are struggling with their own feelings around loyalty, we suggest they share them with others – or to seek professional assistance – so that these natural feelings do not interfere with their best intentions for their child.

Mother’s Day is the perfect day to grow. It is all right to feel that you wish you didn’t have to share this day emotionally with your child’s birth mother. Then grow into the gratitude of being able to share this day emotionally with your child’s birth mother. For many adoptive mothers, acknowledging the pain and loss that birth mothers experience helps them to connect with the compassion, empathy and selflessness needed to share this day.

As well, we should all keep in mind that for many adopted children, the complex thoughts and feelings about birth mother are based on real memories for relationships lost. For many of these children, there are also other women – foster moms, a grandmother, an aunt or older sister, god mother, orphanage worker – who will come to mind on this day. And, in an age where open adoption is much more common, there are many children who maintain active relationships with birth mothers and other mother figures. So this year, when your little one is at school and is told to make a card or work on a gift for Mother’s Day, let your teacher know that not all families look the same, and some children need a few extra supplies. There really is no need to cause undue confusion, embarrassment, uncertainty or sadness for children who want to honor more than just their adoptive parent.

As Jana Wolf writes in Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother, in her chapter “Is it Mother’s Day or Mothers’ Day?”…“I thought about Martie (her son’s birth mother) that Mother’s Day morning. I wondered if she included herself among the honorees on this holiday. We did.”

Want to find out more about the six adoption stuck spots, read Behind the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley and John Meeks, MD.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

No matter how families are formed, the characteristics that truly define "family" include love, trust, communication, compassion and joy. Thank you to all the adoptive moms - and foster moms - who've opened their hearts and worked so hard to cherish children.

From learning how (and when) to start talking to their children about adoption, to empowering preschoolers and school aged kids to handle the questions and comments of others, to helping their teens navigate through the predictable, sometimes painful and always complex process of forming their identities... An adoptive mom's work is never done!

We are proud to recognize all of the amazing mothers we work with every day.

Five Tips to Honor Your Child’s Birth Mother

Even if you cannot send it anywhere, encourage your child make a card or picture or other craft. If you are in contact, it can be a very special present to send together.
Say a special prayer or recite a special poem.
Place a candle on a cake.
Plant something in your garden.
Allow your child to have all of his feelings – and let him know that thinking about his birth mother does not interfere with celebration of you on this day.

Search for Identity: As your teen heads toward adulthood, she'll strive to discover who she is by Debbie Riley, MS Adoptive Parenting: Finalizing College Choices
by Debbie Riley, MS

During their school years, children who were adopted as infants and toddlers start to form an identity by learning about their parents' values, life choices and expectations.

Those raised in families where religion, athleticism or strong study habits are encouraged, for example, will likely accept those values and integrate them into their lives. As children identify with their adoptive families, they form a secure attachment.

"Who Am I?"
But during adolescence, adoptees try to understand, uncover and connect with their pasts. Adopted teens search for truthful, deeper and more detailed information about their birth stories. They begin to figure out how birth- and adoptive parents are alike and different from one another -- and how similarities and differences affect their sense of self.

For some teens, adolescence is a fork in the road, at which they can identify with or separate from their parents. Some teens discover that they have different values, talents and interests from those of their adoptive families. Such revelations can have a profound impact on a teen’s sense of security, because separation can be scary to adoptees. (Many experience it as another rejection or loss.)

As teens ask, “Who am I?” “Whom do I take after?” and “Whom do I want to emulate?” it is normal to try on different identities. One day, your teen may be the child you know; another day, you hardly recognize her.

Lily, 15, whose parents are successful professionals, was an above-average student, until she decided that school wasn’t “cool” anymore. She started befriending students who were less academically inclined. In therapy, Lily learned she was struggling with feelings about her birth mother, who had dropped out of school.

Sometimes, an adoptive parent’s attitudes about her child’s being “different” (in personality, temperament, talents, strengths and weaknesses) can affect a teen’s ability to form a mature identity. When parents reject or trivialize a child’s differences, the child may wrestle with repressed feelings of frustration, anger and sadness as she grows – only to have them surface during adolescence. Looking back, one adult adoptee expressed it this way: “I felt so little support for what was important to me, that I gave up caring about my future.”

On the other hand, Carol, an adoptee whose family nurtured her artistic ability, (talent her adoptive parents did not possess), went on to become a successful graphic artist. Why? “My parents always supported me and my individual interests and abilities – they encouraged me to pursue my own path.”

Helping Your Teen

Adoptees face unique challenges while establishing their identities. What can you do to support them?

Examine your own feelings, attitudes and values. How do you perceive your teen to be like you? More important, how do you perceive your teen to be different from you. Do you let him know that it is OK to be himself?

Tell your teen all that you know about his or her birth parents. Even negative information can be healing and can help your child on the quest for identity.

Share what you remember of your own adolescence. Let your teen know that, while a “search for self” is challenging for adoptees, it’s difficult for all teens.

Be willing to talk. Teens may not like talking with their parents about adoption. Express your interest and availability.

Find ways to get your teen help, when necessary. Have her join a support group, or provide him chances to talk to other adopted teens or adults. Let your teen know he’s not alone.

Ask Ellen: Reunion
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
      Ellen headshot

Dear Ellen,
If I say so myself, I am a sensitive, intelligent adoptive mother who has made it a priority to be educated about my 17 year old daughter’s needs surrounding the unique challenges inherent in adoption. Throughout her life, I have encouraged open communication with my daughter about adoption, her story, and have always spoken about my daughter’s birth parents with respect and gratitude. Not without some typical ups and downs, overall, I believe that my daughter and I have a pretty close relationship. Thus, no one was more surprised than me with the hard time I am having since my daughter and her birth mother have been reunited. I have tried to hide my feelings but my daughter knows how I feel and constantly reassures me of her love. I feel ashamed and silly.

In counseling, I have seen many parents (often mothers) who have complex, mixed emotions when their older teen/young adult is in reunion. (Parents of older adoptees certainly may struggle with feelings as well, but this column is for parents of teens/young adults.) These loving, dedicated mothers need to know they are not bad mothers for feeling jealous, for feeling worried that they are possibly “losing” children, or even feeling resentful of the intrusion in their lives that these new relationships may bring – the impact on family time, parents’ “space,” plans, etc.

Parenting teens/young adults often feels stressful enough without the extra challenges these new relationships may bring. Conflicts over curfew, homework, cleaning rooms are now compounded by potential conflicts over visitation, time spent on these new relationships as in, “are you IM-ing all night or doing your homework?” And more importantly, time spent focused on and with birth family may detract from time spent with the adoptive family. While all adoptive parents may struggle with the “loss” of their teen to peers, activities and interests outside the family – most parents understand that this is developmentally appropriate and necessary in preparation for “separation," “leaving home” – launching into adulthood. However, parents may wonder if time invested in birth family-- that feels like it creates distance from adoptive family-- falls into the realm of “developmentally appropriate.” And even if it is, it can still hurt. A lot.

It is therefore important to acknowledge these normal feelings. If the goal is to make wise, appropriate parenting decisions and maintain a positive, close connection with your child, it is obviously important to gain control over these emotions so that they do not interfere with that goal. A teen/young adult will need their parents more than ever as they go down the path of the complex emotions that are likely to arise for them in reunion. If a son or daughter perceives that their parent “has their back,” they will “return” even if they temporarily seem to be engaged elsewhere. Parents are advised to keep demonstrating respect for birth family, give appropriate guidance, and set appropriate boundaries. This includes not over reacting to provocations as in, “You won’t let me visit as long as I want because you’re jealous.” In the last Dear Ellen, we addressed what to do when/if your child says, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my real mother.” Keep on the topic – and keep the lines of communication open.

It is also perfectly all right to acknowledge your mixed emotions to your child. Kids may sense what you feel anyway, or imagine that you do because of their own mixed emotions. Some mothers use humor. One mother described her relief at being able to joke with her 18 year old daughter. She said, “Well, I can’t imagine that she makes chicken teriyaki as good as mine!” Another mother told her daughter that she knew with time she’d grow more comfortable and confident about the reunion. Keeping connection and open communication is key. As our children move into adulthood, they assume increasing control around decision-making. It’s imperative that our children keep us as their best consultants.

Please join Ellen for a discussion group for parents whose teens/young adults are in reunion with their birth family to be held, Thursday, June 4 7:30-9:00.