CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - November 2009

Holidays with Extended Family: An Opportunity for Connection

Making a Difference: Join the C.A.S.E. Giving Tree

Holidays with Extended Family: An Opportunity for Connection
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

As the holidays approach and families anticipate the time they may be spending with relatives and close friends, parents often think about the relationships between their children and these important people in their lives. For some families who live far apart and only see each other at holiday time, the chance to build connections makes this time especially important. For adoptive parents, the desire for their children (and their family) to be loved and accepted may be tinged with anxiety. Will their relatives and friends accept their children? What are the attitudes of their relatives and friends about adoption? Will the subject come up in some way? If so, do these people know how to even talk about adoption? Do they know positive adoption language? Will they unknowingly say something hurtful? Will they be sensitive to their children's feelings?

EDUCATING FAMILY MEMBERS

Just as adoptive parents broadened their understanding of adoption (beyond the personal experiences they had prior to considering adoption), so too must extended family members learn a great deal. For example, many people still think of the adoption process of the past as being true today. They may be shocked at the idea that adoptive families and birth families may enjoy some kind of contact/relationship with each other. They may have no understanding why a family's house is decorated with Chinese paintings just because the adopted child is from China. After all, isn't she being raised to be an American?

Just as adoptive parents may have in the past, used the terms "real parents" or "put up for adoption" or "surrendered" or "hard to place", hearing those same words from others, let alone their relatives/friends may shock them. Having been hurt by intrusive questions from strangers, adoptive parents may still be surprised to know that their own close circle may feel entitled to information about their child's birth family and not understand the privacy of a child's adoption story.

Adoptive parents have learned so much as they have strived to understand and meet their children's needs. They have also learned (hopefully) so much about how a child might think and feel about his/her adoption at different ages. Now, to foster the relationships between their children and their relatives/friends, adoptive parents can and must help to educate and normalize adoption to their extended network. This is not an easy task, as people often "don't know what they don't know." After all, if your child's grandmother's best friend growing up was adopted, then she "understands", no? Maybe, but a sample of one does not an expert make!

Adoptive parents can teach their relatives in many ways. The best way is to prevent difficulties from arising is by sharing the important things you want your family members to know (as they pertain to your family situation.) 1) Kindly explain that your child's story is his and only he will share the details he wishes to share as he grows. 2) Help extended family members understand how aspects of your child's behavior may be related to experiences he had prior to adoption – in the orphanage, in foster care, in the womb! 3) Education can also involve helping the extended family learn about a child's heritage or ethnic background (if different from the family), or possibly the country where he was born. Explain to your loved ones why keeping an adopted child's heritage is so important and why you may have incorporated certain traditions into your celebration of the holidays as a result. 4) Help your relatives understand why you are not threatened by the lovely holiday cards/gifts you've received from your child's birth family. (If birth family members are to be included in family celebrations, obviously it is a good idea to prepare relatives/close friend for this as well!) If a relative or friend is open to reading, give them books, articles, websites and other resources to increase their knowledge. Sometimes parents invite their relatives to join them in attending adoption-related holiday celebrations. Many adoptive parent support groups hold holiday get-togethers. The important goal is to keep the lines of communication open, and strive to be patient and respectful. Anticipate and even role play the difficult questions that may come up or the troubling comments. If you get defensive or angry, the relative learns nothing about adoption except that you seem "overly sensitive and over reactive."

One more tip for creating bonds: look for the similarities between your child and his relative and comment on those similarities. Maybe your son laughs the same way as Uncle Harry. Maybe your daughter loves to cook like Grandma Rose.

A child's sense of belonging to an extended family network provides important support as he grows up. For the child who joins her family through adoption, it is especially critical to feel that family members claim her as "one of theirs." Those strong bonds also provide peace of mind that the next generation--children and grandchildren of the adopted family member—will continue to be "just part of the family"!

Making a Difference: Join the C.A.S.E. Giving Tree
by Deborah Kaufmann

The season of the holidays are upon us - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, and the New Year - a time we spend with family, friends and loved ones, counting the many blessings that have come to us over the years. For adoptive families - children, teens, and parents - these blessings are unique and special. Every child deserves a permanent, loving family. Through adoption, many have joined families whose dream it has been to add a child to their lives.

Adoption, however, brings unique joys and challenges to all who are touched by it, and the impact is lifelong. To meet those challenges, members of the adoption community can benefit from individual and family counseling, parent support groups, children/teen support groups, educational workshops, newsletters and other adoption-related information.

The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) has been in existence since 1998. Its goal is to support families of the adoption community with competent mental health services, educational forums, training and publications. C.A.S.E. believes that the success of foster and adopted children and the well- being of their families is greatly enhanced when they work with professionals that understand the complex challenges presented by adoption. Through its training programs, C.A.S.E. is dedicated to reaching out to those who can make a substantial, positive impact on members of the adoption circle. C.A.S.E. stands at the forefront of supporting adoptive children, parents and families, and of promoting an informed national network of service providers committed to best practice in the field.

Your financial support is vital to this ongoing effort. Simply put, we cannot do it without you. We have sent out our annual giving letters, and hope you will help us reach out to our community's foster and adoptive families with a generous contribution. With your donation, the adoption-competent counselors at C.A.S.E. can strengthen 400 more families, hold 10 more teen groups, 20 more workshops, 30 more professional trainings, and offer reduced fees to 20 more at-risk youth in foster families.

When you receive our annual appeal letter, please remember that we need your support, and that as a C.A.S.E. donor, every dollar you donate will help strengthen a forever family.

Thank you, and from everyone at C.A.S.E., we wish you and yours a warm and happy holiday season, shared with loved ones, counting your many blessings. Please click here to donate on-line.

Adoption Stuck Spots: Identity
by Debbie Riley, M.S.

It is not surprising that I am writing once again about the search for identity in adopted adolescents. There is not a day that goes by at C.A.S.E. that an adopted teen and their family are not grappling with the complexities involved in this key developmental task. Who am I? Who am I like? Who do I want to be like? My birthparents? My Adopted Parents? Or a little of both? ...No easy questions for adoptees moving through adolescence as the quest for identity intensifies. The intensity can overpower even a parent who is excited to watch his child mature - and who thinks they are prepared for adolescence, with its tumultuous and scary ups and downs.

During the school-age years, children adopted at very early ages are likely to develop their sense of themselves by identifying and incorporating their adoptive parents' values, expectations, and lifestyle. For example, if a child is brought up with religion as important, the child will likely accept his family's attitudes and practices in this realm. Such identification helps a child cement his attachment to his family and creates a safe, secure emotional place from which to grow. During childhood, as the child learns whatever information is available about his birth family, this knowledge is unlikely to threaten his strong identification with his adoptive family.

During adolescence, adopted teens continue to try to make sense of their past. Only now, they want deeper, more detailed answers to questions about their birth parents and reasons for relinquishment. This is because of the changes in their cognitive sophistication and the emotional meaning they attach to the information. The ways that information reflects differences from their adoptive parents as well as the ways the teen feels different from the adoptive parents now take on much greater significance. And unless the teen is in contact with the birth parents, even the best information is subject to fantasy and possible misinterpretation. How can it possibly match in clarity the experience of what is known about the adoptive parents? What is happening is that your teen is undergoing a process of intense self-evaluation at the same time as he is going through the process of separating emotionally from parents in order to move toward greater independence and adulthood. For some teens, the combination of the two can result in a particularly painful, confusing process. If the birth parents are perceived as being very different from the adoptive parents, what does this mean about the teen? If the teen is more aware of the ways he/she is different from the adoptive parents, what does that mean? If the teen chooses to incorporate aspects of identity that are very different from his adoptive family, what will that mean? If he denies his identification with his adoptive family, that will have great impact on his sense of security and emotional connection to his family. (The process of separating alone is scary for many adoptees who experience it as "rejection" and "loss".) But if he denies how he is like his birth parents, or uniquely different in ways from both, how can he develop the self-confidence that goes along with a clear, cohesive, positive self-image?

Parental attitudes throughout childhood around the way a child may be "different" from the family will have a huge impact on this process. If parents have been accepting of these differences, the adolescent may have an easier time incorporating these differences into his picture of who he is. If a parent has been rejecting and critical of these differences, a child may have pushed feelings of frustration, anger or sadness underground that may surface during adolescence.

The task involves accepting and incorporating the positive personality and cognitive contribution of parents while asserting differences from them. At the same time, they are also separating and moving toward greater independence. Looking back and looking forward can be complicated indeed. If a teen denies his connection to his past, he is likely to be unprepared for how these differences will impact him as he moves out into the world as an adult on his own. This is especially true in transracial adoption. Additionally, for many teens with little information about their birth family, gaps in knowledge may be filled in with fantasies that will also influence the way a teen makes decisions about their own identity. For example, if a teen thinks her birth mother must have been "promiscuous", she may believe that she is destined to behave in a similar fashion.

Ask Ellen
The Holidays: Challenges and Opportunities for Adoptive Families
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
      Ellen headshot

Dear Ellen,

We adopted our seven year old daughter through foster care. She came into care at the age of five and was in another foster family before joining ours. This is her first Christmas with us. We are a bit anxious about how it will be for her. Any suggestions?

Most children benefit from the predictability, familiarity and security that family rituals and traditions provide, especially during the December holiday season. Traditions connect families to their past, help them enjoy the present, and create lasting memories for the future. For adoptive families, rituals and traditions at holiday time can present some significant challenges in a number of ways.

For children adopted at older ages, holiday time can conjure up important memories and associations. Whether having lived with birth families, in foster care (perhaps multiple homes), or in orphanages, children with positive or negative memories of what happened during this season - of how holidays were celebrated or not, are likely to experience powerful emotions related to their memories. There may be a resurgence of feelings of loss and grief, anxiety-related memories of traumatic events, etc. The smells, the food, the music, the lights, the trees, the routines - everything may trigger associations that the children may not even be aware of - and result in puzzling behaviors for adoptive parents.

Especially for children who are in their adoptive placements for the first holiday season, just learning how to be part of a family or part of this new family-- can be overwhelming, let alone with all of the added stress related to expectations of holiday celebration and family gatherings. Ms. Krebs, Clinical Coordinator of C.A.S.E. says, "For parents who are eagerly anticipating sharing their holiday traditions with their children, there can be a real disconnect between their expectations and the children's responses." Ms. Krebs has helped many confused adoptive parents make sense of their children's experience of sadness at this supposed- to- be joyful time. "And kids may not tell you they are feeling sad or angry. They are more likely to demonstrate it through difficult behaviors – increased opposition, hyperactivity, etc."

Ms. Krebs suggests that parents help their children remember the people whom they have lost. "Light a candle, say a prayer, encourage the child to share stories." When children have contact with birth parents and/or siblings, parents need to be especially sensitive to the feelings that may surface as a result of visits during this time.

Parents can also learn about the traditions their children experienced in the past, and if they were positive and meaningful, find ways to incorporate those traditions into their holiday celebrations. One family found recipes to cook some of the foods that were part of the holiday meal that was served in their daughter's previous home. Of course, incorporating traditions can certainly be more complicated if the religion celebrated is different from the adoptive family's. However, many families do decide to incorporate aspects of the different religion to honor their child's past if they believe it is significant for their child. Each family situation is unique, of course, and each family will decide what is best.

C.A.S.E. therapist, Vanessa Marshall notes that sometimes it is not just memories of holiday time that are important to adopted children, but also their desires and fantasies of what holiday time should be like. She says, "It is important to ask your child how they would like to celebrate." She describes a little boy who had never been to church on the holidays and who very much wanted to go. She also suggests that parents help their children to appreciate the commonalities between their values and their child's related to the holidays.

Families who adopt children who are from another country may also decide to use holiday time to celebrate their child's heritage. Since holiday time is a time for spending time with relatives and friends, it can also be a time for creating new traditions that the extended network can participate in. These new family traditions can help to foster the connections between the adopted child and the larger family network.