CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - March/April 2010

MESSAGE FROM DEBBIE RILEY, C.A.S.E. CEO

PBS' Series Point of View Invites C.A.S.E. to Summit

C.A.S.E.'S Virginia Office Moves!

Race Matters: Helping Teens Form their Racial Identity

Honoring Senator Benjamin L. Cardin and Congressman Chris Van Hollen

Talking to Adopted Children and Teens about Sex

Ask Ellen

Participate in National Transracial Adoption Study

MESSAGE FROM DEBBIE RILEY, C.A.S.E. CEO

Dear Families & Colleagues,

For the past several days, we have been exposed to the heart-wrenching story of Artyem Saviliev, also known as Justin Hansen. Headlines resonate with words that raise more questions than answers. "Can you return an adopted child?" "What happens when adoptions go wrong?" "What can parents do when adoptions go wrong"? "When adoption isn't a happily ever after?" "The harder I try to do more, my daughter pushes me away."

The media has been filled with interviews with adoption experts, adoption authors, parents whose Russian adoptions "lived happily ever after", as well as the voices of devastated parents, whose lives were troubled by adopted children with aversive behaviors related to early deprivation and trauma. For those of us intimately involved in the world of adoption, we gasp; hold our hearts in disbelief; some aligned with the mother, some aligned with the child. We can't imagine how this could happen or why. Diagnoses are flowing, judgments passed and deep sadness felt, for a little boy whose life is yet again in a state of turmoil and impermanence. I've spent the past couple of days traveling, as I often do, to train adoption professionals, adoptive parents, educators, and child welfare staff, on the complex issues inherent in foster care and adoption. In each of these forums, the case of Artyem was referenced. There was much discussion around what we need to do better...how this could have been prevented.

On behalf of C.A.S.E and the thousands of families we have supported in their journey, I wish to say something that might ease the pain, sorrow, and confusion, surrounding this situation. As an adoptive family support center, C.A.S.E has committed its services to the post- adoption needs of children and families from all adoption experiences. Our hearts ache for Artyem. However, I am actually more concerned about the millions of children and teens who are adopted, as well as those waiting for adoptive homes, whose eyes and ears have been exposed to the harrowing details of this story. What is going through your children's minds including biological siblings and non-adopted children? Could they be wondering: Can parents just put you on a plane and send you away? If I'm bad like Artyem, will I be sent away? As parents and professionals, we need to help our children make sense of what is senseless. This incident can trigger worries and feelings of rejection and abandonment that ALL adopted children have the potential to experience as a result of being adopted. For some children adopted at older ages, this incident may trigger past memories or fears of a failed placement, disruption, "yet another move to another family who didn't want me." For other adopted children who joined their families as infants or toddlers, they may never have consciously thought that you can lose your forever family, but some have.

We must be aware of the implications of this "Breaking News" upon the lives of our children. We must find the language to speak with them about what they saw, what they heard, or what they may have read. One mother said to her 11 year old son, "We don't know what happened, but this mother did not ask for and get the help she needed to parent this little boy. She had other choices and what she did sounds heartless. I am sure you feel bad for Artyem, just as I do. I believe he will find a family who will know how to take care of him. It must have been hard living in orphanage and then coming to a strange country, not knowing how to speak English, not knowing anyone and missing the orphanage and the other children who lived there. He must have been really scared."

Just as my colleagues at C.A.S.E and I received countless questions this week, it is possible that your children/teens may have been or will be faced with comments and questions as well. Many of you have reached out to C.A.S.E, and embraced our WISE-Up Program for your children. Now is the time to revisit the tool that helped your children respond to difficult, intrusive questions pertaining to foster care and adoption. For those of you, who may not be familiar with this tool, please visit our website at www.adoptionsupport.org to learn more about the WISE Up Program.

While we cannot change what happened to Artyem no matter how much we would like to, we can protect and support our children, and reassure them that they are safe, loved and guided by adults who will be there forever. In times of a tragedy, we think about what we can do. My answer is tonight, hug your sons and daughters, open lines of communication regarding this sad story and send them into the world tomorrow with the tools to handle whatever questions may come their way. And remember, you're not alone; C.A.S.E is here to help support you and your children in your journey as an adoptive family.

Debbie B. Riley M.S., CEO

PBS' Series Point of View Invites C.A.S.E. to Summit

A new adoption series scheduled for broadcast this fall by PBS' award-winning documentary series, Point of View (POV), invited C.A.S.E. to particpate in a summit held last month in New York City! This summit brought together the filmmakers of three documentaries, organizations including the Dave Thomas Foundation and the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, and POV staff to discuss how these films can enhance the public's understanding of adoptive families. This high profile PBS series will feature Off and Running by Nicole Opper, Wo Ai Ni, Mommy by Stephanie Wang-Breal, and In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee by Deann Borshay Liem. Each film looks at a different aspect of the complexity inherent in adoption and adoptive families.

Off and Running documents a transracially adopted African-American girl's (Avery) journey as her curiosity about her African-American roots grows and she decides to contact her birth mother. Her parents are Jewish lesbians and she has two adopted brothers - one who is biracial, and one who is Korean. Avery grew up in a unique and loving household. But her journey propels her into a complicated exploration of race, identity, and family that threatens to distance her from the family she's always known.

Wo Ai Ni, Mommy - In 2007 Donna and Jeff Sadowsky of Long Island, New York submitted their dossier to adopt eight-year old Fang Sui Yong from Guangzhou, China. From the very first moment Sui Yong meets her new mother, Donna, we get a real sense of the emotional confusion and loss Sui Yong experiences, as adoption workers translate their first words of communication. This day will change Sui Yong's life, forever. Language, habits, food, everything she knows will never be the same. Her new life in America is filled with happiness and confusion.

In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee - Her passport said she was Cha Jung Hee. She knew she was not. So began a 40-year deception for a Korean adoptee who came to the US in 1966. Told to keep her true identity a secret from her new American family, this eight-year-old girl quickly forgot she was ever anyone else. But why had her identity been switched? And who was the real Cha Jung Hee? In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee is the search to find the answers. It follows acclaimed filmmaker Deann Borshay Liem as she returns to her native Korea to find her "double," the mysterious girl whose place she took in America.

C.A.S.E.'S Virginia Office Moves!

Our Virginia office is moving April 1st to 5101 H Backlick Road in Annandale, Virginia. The new office repesents an expansion of our services which include adoption-competent individual and family therapy for both foster, birth, and adoptive families as well as groups for children and teens, and educational programs for parents and professionals. Our staff will grow along with our space as we look forward to continuing to serve our clients, our community and new families.

Phone: 703-256-3820
Fax: 703-256-3821

Race Matters: Helping Teens Form their Racial Identity

"My parents were not prepared to raise a child of another race," says Sarah, 32, an African-American woman adopted as an infant by Caucasian parents. "All they had was unconditional love and guts. It was a start, but what they didn't know hurt us both." While attending a workshop on transracial adoption, a father whose son was adopted from Guatemala said, "You know, my wife made me come today. I don't think of him as being of another race."

What did Sarah's parents not know? What did this father not understand? They didn't know that, while race did not matter to them, when their children went out into the world, it mattered a lot. That is why the first, and most important challenge of transracial parenting is to overcome the tendency to equate unconditional love with being color-blind.

With that acknowledgement, parents must learn about the guidance teens need from them with regard to race. Dr. Jaiya John writes in Black Baby White Hands: A View From the Crib that his father was asked by an African-American man, "How are you all going to teach this child all of the things that a Black child needs to know to grow up in a society so strongly aversive to Black people?" His father replied honestly that he probably could not "do a good job because of my ignorance and limited perspective," but that he would try to teach his son what his father had taught him, and "hopefully that will provide him the tools and strength of character to figure out the rest on his own." Dr. John notes that while he appreciated his father's acknowledgement of the challenges involved in raising a black child, he thought to himself, "How exactly was I supposed to 'figure the rest out on my own?'"

CREATING an IDENTITY

The teen years are the time for identity formation. Identity is the basis of self-esteem, and a positive identity helps a young person deal with the world around her. Identity formation involves determining how one is like and different from parents. An adoptee must figure out how he is like and different from two sets of parents. Having limited information about their birth origins makes the task harder-especially if there are racial elements in the mix. Imagine the additional challenges faced by teens of color that are being raised by white parents. As parents acknowledge that race matters, they must learn all that they can about what it is like to walk in their children's shoes-especially as teens begin to spend time away from the family. What is it like to be the only person with their racial background in a classroom or at a friend's party? How does racism manifest itself? What are the positive and negative racial stereotypes that your child will face? How do we acknowledge as parents that we are part of "white privilege"? Even if as parents, you thought about these questions before bringing your child home, it's time to think again. Parents need to read books, magazines, research on the Internet, and attend supports groups and workshops to ensure that they know how to meet their child's needs.

SUPPORTING YOUR TEEN

Caucasian parents raising a child of another race must maintain open communication about their child's adoption story, the reactions of others to their family, and the positive and negative racial biases in our society. Make your home a place where such topics may be discussed safely, and remember that you may need to be the one who initiates these conversations. Gina Hagler writes in "Creating an Emotional Safe Place" ... "A safe place for transracially adopted kids is a home where differences are acknowledged and celebrated...we need to redefine safe to mean not protected but open, educated, interested and prepared."

There are many important steps that parents can take to promote their teen's positive racial identity.

Whenever possible, parents should make it a priority to reside in diverse communities, enroll their teen in multi-racial school settings, and join multi-racial religious institutions and other social organizations.
Provide opportunities for your teen to interact with role models from your teen's racial background. Many parents choose doctors, tutors, coaches, etc. who share their teen's racial/ethnic heritage.
Develop relationships/friendships with people of different races and encourage your teen to develop these friendships as well.
Teach adoptees survival skills to navigate the multicultural landscape.
Dialogue with teens about how to cope with racist practices: engage in skill-building to empower teens to know how to be proactive vs. reactive when faced with racist comments and/or situations.
Provide teens with diverse experiences so they will not be dependent upon stereotypes of what it means to be a member of their race.
Last but not least, be sure to teach your children respect for ALL people- not just people of their racial heritage.

Opportunity at C.A.S.E. to learn more! Love is Not Enough: Parenting in Transracial Adoption: Saturday, June 8th WEBINAR. This workshop will explore the special challenges faced by children, adolescents and parents in both domestic and international transracial adoption. Parents will learn how to help their children/teens with issues related to identity, self-esteem, peer relationships, and racism.

Honoring Senator Benjamin L. Cardin and Congressman Chris Van Hollen

The Center for Adoption Support and Education Inc., its staff, Board of Directors, community partners and families served, would like to recognize the support given by Senator Cardin and Congressman Van Hollen, by which C.A.S.E was able to secure funds to expand our services in the state of Maryland. Monday, April 26th, C.A.S.E. is hosting "An Awards Presentation and Press Event" to acknowledge their effort and commitment to foster and adoptive families. For more information, contact Tamara Martin, Director of Development, at 301-476-8525 or martin@adoptionsupport.org.

Talking with Adopted Children and Teens About SEX

Riding in the car one day, out of the blue, Janie, adopted domestically as an infant, asked her father, Tom, "How does the sperm get to the egg?" When he answered in age-appropriate, simple language, Janey giggled and said, "Ew gross. I'm sorry I asked." She changed the subject. When Tom recounted the story to his wife, Lisa, she was appalled that he had answered truthfully. "She's only 6 years old for crying out loud!" Complaining to her social worker friend about her husband's mistake, the social worker said, "If she's old enough to ask, she's old enough for the truth." Unconvinced, Lisa complained to some other mothers (not adoptive). They were shocked by Janey's question, affirming that such discussions had not occurred in their families and convinced that such questions had not yet crossed their children's minds.

Lisa's friends may be correct about their children's knowledge and interest in sex. (However in today's society, with so much exposure to sexuality, it is also possible that these parents are unaware of how much their children really know.) So what's the deal with Janey?

In Communicating with the Adopted Child, author Miriam Komar points out that "parents of adopted children have no choice but to teach them early in life about sexual issues." This is because parents are encouraged to begin talking with children about adoption \u2013 begin introducing the child's adoption story in the pre-school years. Explaining to children that they were born to another woman and man and then adopted into their family begins the dialogue around birth and sexuality. Many of the adoption books appropriate for pre-schoolers explain that it takes a sperm and egg to make a baby. Having read these books, it is no wonder that Janey would ask her question at the young age of 6.

Unless a child's adoption story includes being placed by a married couple, the reasons for conception and placement usually present challenges for parents in terms of addressing issues related to sexuality. A single birth mother had sex. Maybe the birth father is unknown. Maybe the birth mother was a teenager. A child may wonder -- why did she have sex if she didn't want to make a baby? Why did she have sex with more than one person?

As children move into adolescence, talking about sex with their teens may trigger anxiety as well. Any parent, who thinks back to their own adolescence, who has positive memories of conversations with their parents about sex is in the lucky minority. Most of us either didn't discuss sex with our parents or may laugh at some of the unhelpful or even absurd things our parents may have said. Parents today understand the importance of pushing past our discomfort to establish open, honest communication about sex with our teens.

Besides the attempt to avoid unplanned pregnancy and protect our teens' health, the conversation helps them come to terms with their birthparents' history. For adopted teens, there is an extra layer of complexity around sex that makes communication especially important to their emotional and physical well-being.

As parents, we must cope with our own fears and anxiety in order to ensure that our teens understand the consequences surrounding decisions they make around sexual activity/relationships. Teens need to have the opportunity to explore myths and misconceptions with trusted adults.

Parents should know that their teen's self-esteem, sense of identity, and resulting sexual behavior is impacted by thoughts and feelings related to adoption. When a teen's adoption story involves unplanned pregnancy, which it does for many, the circumstances surrounding their conception \u2013 e.g. teen pregnancy; one night stand; multiple sexual partners; rape... can lead teens to ponder, "Was I a mistake?" "Was my birth mother promiscuous?" "Was my birth father a bad person?" "Did they care about each other?"

As they ponder these kinds of questions and fantasize about their birth parents' relationship and sexuality, teens form attitudes about their birth parents. These attitudes affect the way they see themselves and their own behavior. For example, if a teen believes her birth mother was promiscuous, she may conclude that she is destined to follow that imagined path. Or, she might go in the opposite direction and decide that she must avoid any contact with boys.

Adoption researchers have found that adopted teens are at greater risk than their non-adopted peers for pregnancy. It is theorized that with little or no information about their birth parents, some teens become pregnant to understand firsthand their birthparents' experience. For other teens, the need to have a biological connection may also increase the chances of sexual relationships. Their intent is to "undo" the placement decisions made by their birth parents and "keep" their child. Such thoughts may drive teens in a direction they do not consciously intend to go.

For all these reasons, adoptive parents must find a way to help their teens express what is on their minds. This is no easy task since many teens are uneasy about discussing sex, as well as adoption and birthparents, with their parents. They may want more information about their birth parents, but fear what they may learn. And they may know that you fear they will make the same decisions around sexual behavior that their birth parents did.

With this understanding, parents must do their best to communicate with their children/teens. Here are some books to assist you: Suggested Reading:

It's So Amazing. Robie Harris
Adopted Teens Only: A survival guide to adolescence. Dane Gorbett
Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens. Debbie Riley
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Know. Sherrie Eldridge
The Teen Health Book. A Parents Guide to Adolescent Health and Well Being. Ralph Lopez
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives. Expanded Third Edition. A book for teens on sex and Relationships. Ruth Bell

Participate in our next WEBINAR: "Adoption and Sexuality" on Thursday, April 22nd. This webinar will discuss the information and guidance that children and teens need in order to develop self-esteem and positive sexual identity -- that will result in decisions that ensure their emotional and physical health and safety. Parents will learn how to communicate with teens who are often reluctant to talk with parents about sexuality

Ask Ellen: "Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone"
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

Dear Ellen,

I am the Caucasian adoptive mother of a 15 year old biracial African-American daughter. I understand and want my daughter to have friends of all racial groups. Sometimes I worry that I am being racist when situations arise that I am not comfortable with.

Even when parents fully embrace the importance of racial connections, challenges occur when they attempt to put their values into practice. The Walkers wanted their 15 year old biracial African-American daughter, Joanne to have friends of color. However, when she befriended an African American girl she met at school, Kendall, they did not know what to do when they learned that Kendall's home situation was so very different from theirs. Kendall was being parented by her grandmother who worked long hours. Kendall's 18 year older brother was left to supervise and he often invited his friends over.

It was also clear that Kendall was ahead of Joanne developmentally and in relationships with boys. When Joanne asked to spend the night at Kendall's house, the Walkers worried about her safety and said no. Joanne became furious, accusing them of being racist. Saddened and hurt, they concluded that regardless of race, they would not permit their daughter to stay overnight in an unsupervised home. They told Joanne that Kendall was welcome to sleep over at their house instead.

In parenting children of color, parents must explore their beliefs about race, ethnicity, and prejudice. Caucasian parents with transracially adopted children must try to determine whether their parenting decisions are influenced by fears or unacknowledged prejudice. Ari, adopted from Viet Nam was being raised in a white, Jewish family. At age 13, Ari demanded to have his name changed to one that was Vietnamese. His parents refused to give their approval. Ari said that he was tired of explaining his adoptive status, and he wanted to fit in with his Asian classmates. He insisted that he was not rejecting his family's religious heritage. In the end, Ari did not change his name. He and his parents sought short-term support from an adoption specialist. His parents recognized that they must be more inclusive with Ari's Asian friends, inviting them into their home and supporting his friendships.

One school counselor shared that it was her experience that adoptive parents seemed to have a hard time accepting the fact that race matters - that their transracially adopted teens desired to befriend others of their race. "I always accepted my daughters' Korean physical appearance states Amelia, 14 year old Kia's mother, but I never believed that she herself identified as being Asian." It wasn't until her eyes filled with tears pleading with me to see her as different from myself. My joys of parenting cast a shadow over the racial configuration of our family portrait. It took my daughter's anguish to help me see."

Another mother, Anne, struggled to accept her children's relationships. Anne says, "It was an evolutionary process for me. Seeing my children date others of their race -- Latinas and African-Americans -- was really difficult. I was afraid I'd lose them to a world where I would not be welcomed and that we would no longer be close. Anne supported her children's friendships in spite of her fears, welcoming their friends into her life. "My acceptance toward their friends and romantic partners helped to cement my place in their lives."

Helping teens develop a positive racial identity sometimes requires parents to know what their teens need even when they don't. Adoptive Families columnist, Deborah Johnson, adopted from Korea, says that as a teen, she had no interest in attending events connected with Korea. Her wise parents did not force her to go...but went themselves without her! Of course, as Deborah matured, her connection to her Asian heritage evolved. Deborah's parents' authentic interest in Korean culture was an important part of that process.

An opportunity at C.A.S.E. to learn more! Love is Not Enough: Parenting in Transracial Adoption: Saturday, June 8th WEBINAR. This workshop will explore the special challenges faced by children, adolescents and parents in both domestic and international transracial adoption. Parents will learn how to help their children/teens with issues related to identity, self-esteem, peer relationships, and racism.

Participate in National Transracial Adoption Study

Department of Family Science, University of Maryland, in conjunction with The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.), are initiating a national survey of transracially adopted adolescents and their families. The specific focus of the study is to examine the impact of family characteristics on the overall adjustment, self-esteem and racial identity of racial minority youth adopted by white parents.

We believe this research will benefit us in providing better services to the youth and families we serve as well as the general field of adoption. We encourage you to consider participating!

Who can participate?

If you are a white adoptive parent(s) and you have adopted at least one racial minority child who was either placed or adopted by age 3 and is now an adolescent between the ages of 14-18, your family would qualify.

What will I be asked to do?

Both parent and child will be asked to complete an on-line survey that will take approximately 20 minutes. Adolescents who complete the survey will receive a $10 iTune gift card.

How do I find out more about the study?

If you would like to know more about the study or are interested in participating, contact:

Dr. Leigh Leslie
Department of Family Science
The University of Maryland, College Park
301-405-4011, lleslie@umd.edu

MARCH

6 - W.I.S.E. UP about Adoption! (PACT Annual Spring Conference, CA)
10-Loss and Grief among Foster and Adopted Children (RICA, Rockville, MD)
13- Adoption through the Eyes of Children; Beneath the Mask; Same Family, Different Stories; Second Choice is Not Second Best (Ours Through Adoption of NE Wisconsin)

APRIL

7- Connecting Research with Practice: Adoption Competency (New Worlds of Adoption Conference, MA)
12 -Clinical Issues in Adoption: Post Master's Certification Program (University of CT, School of Social Work)
17- Keynote: Identity in Adoption: Glimpses Beneath the Mask (New England Adoption Conference, MA)
17- W.I.S.E. UP about Adoption! (Catholic Charities, MD)
24- Adoption Through the Eyes of Children (Rainbow Families Conference, D.C.)