E-Newsletter - June 2010
Growing Up Adopted: Talking With Teens About Birth Fathers
Ask Ellen
Free Summer Camp for Adoption Youth and those in Kinship Care
Did You Know? – Fundraising Tip of the Month
C.A.S.E. Founder Kathleen Dugan, receives The Audrey Robbins Volunteer of the Year Award 2010
Beneath the Mask: A Celebration of Art & Adoption Gala
Upcoming Events
GROWING UP ADOPTED: TALKING WITH TEENS ABOUT BIRTH FATHERS
It is not uncommon for adopted children – girls and boys – to spend the school-age years making sense of their adoption story with particular emphasis on wanting to know as much as possible about their birth mothers. They understand that it is their mother who carried them for nine months, who gave birth to them, and then had to say good-bye– whether at birth or anytime thereafter, voluntarily or because their parental rights were terminated. Curiosity about birth fathers often comes into play as children grow older and have a better comprehension of the birds and the bees. However, single adoptive mothers and lesbian couples will tell you that interest in birth fathers may come in the pre-school years. However, this comes from the wish to have a “Dad” and not the result of sophisticated thinking about their adoption story.
Historically , during the placement process , parents were reassured that it was more common to share birth mother information as the kids were more interested in their birth mothers and had few questions about the birthfathers. Adoptive parents focused on gaining information about the birthmother but may not have pushed to gather birthfather information. Too often they were told that the birth mother did not know who the birthfather was and accepted this. Unfortunately, many parents have regretted this as their sons and daughters approached adolescence.
In adolescence, adopted teens strive for a deeper understanding of their adoption story. With their increased cognitive sophistication, if they haven’t already inquired about their birth father, they are likely to do so now. Not only do they question the identification of their birthfather, they also have many questions about the relationship between their birth parents, “Did my birth mother mean anything to my birth father?” “Did they care about each other?” This of course, has the potential to pose many challenges for adoptive parents. Unless an adopted child was “placed” for adoption through true “abandonment” – meaning they were left somewhere to be found, there is always some information available about a child’s birth mother. However, there may be little or no information available about the birth father. The relationship between birth mother and birth father may be either difficult to explain or cause parental anxiety because of the “messages” it contains.
In some instances, of course, there is much known information about the birth father that may have played an important, involved role in the adoption process. Married or not, involved in an ongoing relationship or not, perhaps he and the birth mother shared a positive, cooperative relationship. Parents may have difficulty with discussions around pregnancy out of wedlock, or teen pregnancy, but this scenario is usually one of the easier ones for parents to discuss.
Not so for the adoption stories that involve more complicated beginnings such as “the one night stand” or casual relationship between birth parents; the birth mother with multiple partners who is not sure who the father is; the birth father who was married to someone else and so the adopted child was the result of an affair; the birth father was abusive toward the birth mother and or pregnancy that was a result of a sexual assault by an unknown or known assailant (including date rape).
These scenarios are difficult on many levels. They either put the birth mother in a negative light – as in, if she had casual sex, with multiple partners, or someone who was married, is she a slut? Promiscuous? Where are her morals? Or of course, they reflect badly on the birth father, as in – So he cheated on his wife? He was violent toward my birth mother? He got her pregnant and walked away, leaving her to deal with this all alone – is he irresponsible? Selfish? Heartless? Why did he not care about her? We also need to acknowledge that many birthfathers were never told that they fathered a child, and never given the opportunity to be a “Dad”, or to be involved in either the adoption process or with their child post-placement.
Because identity formation is so important during adolescence and self-esteem so precious, being related to people who are viewed with such negativity can be both hurtful and damaging to a vulnerable teen. While we cannot change the facts that are part of the adoption story, parents can do much to influence their teen’s perception of the facts. Parents must strive to increase their teen’s understanding of the complexities and circumstances that underpin these facts. By doing this, they can help their teen achieve a richer, fuller understanding of their birth parents as real people with real strengths, real vulnerabilities, and real-life challenging circumstances. Maybe the birth mother with multiple partners suffered from low self-esteem and was “looking for love in all the wrong places” because of love she didn’t have in her birth family. Maybe the birth father that was physically abusive was abused himself as a child.
These deeper contemplations are not meant to excuse inappropriate, undesirable or even horrific behavior. Instead, they are about helping a teen develop empathy or even forgiveness so that what is known about either birth parent or the relationship does not become a “stuck spot” for the teen – taking up precious emotional energy that is better used toward growth and maturity. Teens can then realize that their own personal life circumstances allow them to come to very different conclusions about their own identities as well as helping them to make very different choices with respect to the relationships they pursue.
Parents must integrate birthfathers into the adoption story whether known or unknown. It is imperative that we debunk long held assumptions and myths, such as “birth fathers quickly forget their child and don’t desire connections.” “They don’t have parallel “maternal instincts” for their birth child.” We must prepare ourselves for conversations about children’s birth fathers and the relationship between the birth parents. It may help to read books about birthfathers so that you can share more with your teens about the issues facing birth fathers at the time of relinquishment and in the future. Having your teen participate in a group for adoptees can also allow them to discuss their thoughts and feelings about their adoption experience including birthparent issues. Some participants may have more information and or a connection with their birthfathers that can provide significant understanding for your teen.
Here are some sample questions and language you can adapt when talking about birth fathers:
Question: Why don’t you ever say anything about my birth father? I know I have one.
Answer: You’re right, you do have a birthfather. We just don’t have any information. Your Birth mother told the agency that she did not know who he was. We can call the agency and see if there is more information than we were told. I can understand why you would want to know some about him.
Question: You said my birth parents barely knew each other? Did they mean anything to each other?
Answer: I can understand why that would be important to you. From what I understand, I think your birth parents were young and just beginning to explore relationships with the opposite sex. Sometimes young people become physically intimate thinking they will find the emotional closeness that is what they are really seeking. I don’t think they were involved long enough to develop that kind of closeness. They were just so very young.
Question: You said circumstances were such that my birth parents could just not be together. What circumstances?
Answer: Your birth father was married to someone else and he had two daughters. It seems that he was unhappily married and when he met your birth mother, they fell in love. But many people are torn about leaving their spouses when there are children involved. Your birth mother was afraid to raise you by herself and their relationship did end as is often the case. Placing you for adoption was what they felt was best. I can also understand that you may feel they were wrong to have an extra-marital affair. Right or wrong, there’s always so much more to relationship stories and issues than what we know.
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Ask Ellen
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
Dear Ellen,
Do you have any suggestions for how we can take advantage of the more relaxed, less hectic summer months to foster discussions around adoption?
Many parents I see at CASE believe that summer is a good time to discuss adoption-related issues with their children. Summer often feels like a good time to open up discussion for many reasons. Without the pressure of school demands, extracurricular activities, etc., fears of overwhelming children with potentially stressful emotions feels easier to imagine. Summer also presents greater opportunity for family time where conversation may come more naturally. Whether it’s a day together at the beach, or family vacation, or lazy summer barbecue, or during a parent/child arts and craft activity, a parent can say to any age child, “I remember our first summer together…”
Whereas some families are traveling to the country where their children were born, domestically adopted children may be interested to see the city or state where they come from. Whenever we visit Chicago, we always drove past the hospital where my daughter was born, and of course, the house we lived in when we first brought her home. When travel is not possible, pulling out scrapbooks, or your child’s lifebook, or looking at a video you may have, is a wonderful way to begin the conversation. Then you can add additional information that you wish to share with what your child already knows.
Reading books to little ones, and/or finding books with adoption-related themes for older children is another way to approach the subject. For suggested reading, go to www.Tapestrybooks.com. (If your child already has C.A.S.E.’s W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook – now is the time to revisit it – see if your child’s responses have changed over time. (or purchase it if your child does not already own it!) And remember that the book can lead to any adoption-related discussion beyond that of being asked intrusive questions. (I hate being asked if I know where my “real mom” is. “I understand”. “You know, I have some more things I can tell you about her, would you like me to tell you?”)
Movies are also a natural way to talk about adoption. There are appropriate movies for every age with themes of adoption. From Meet the Robinsons for school-age children, or Martian Child, or Loggerheads for older teens, you can find suggestions if you go to www.adoptioncrossroads/adoptionmovies. Talk with your child/teen about how their story is like/different from the character(s) in the movie? How their feelings are similar/dissimilar? What they wish they knew? Or that you have more to share.
If you are fortunate to have contact with your child’s birth family, you may be planning a visit this summer. Preparing for the contact and processing it afterwards are important discussions to have with your child. “Is there anything you want to ask Susan when you’re with her?” “It was fun to see Susan. I know it’s hard to say good-bye until next year. I’ll bet she’d love it if you wrote to her when you’re at camp.”
If you send your child to culture camp or some other adoption-related camp, the opportunity to process their experience with them is invaluable. It is important to always let your child set the pace for discussion and go with their flow. When they’re done, they’re done until the next time. There’s a huge difference between invitation to talk and pressure to do so. This goes for any parent-initiated or child-initiated discussions around adoption.
Summer activities may be the best and easiest time to foster your child’s connections to his cultural/racial heritage and lead to more personal discussion related to child’s adoption story. For example, one family chose to eat at an Ethiopian restaurant. Talking with the owners, wait staff and other patrons led one little girl to say, “They’re so nice. Is my birth mother nice, too?”
It is important to keep in mind that summer presents families with the opportunity to strengthen their ties and connections through shared activity and communication. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that talking about birth parents weakens the bond. Remember that it is quite the opposite – when children feel able to verbalize their thoughts and feelings to an empathic, accepting parent, they feel understood and safe, the underpinnings of a close relationship.
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Free Summer Camp for Adoption Youth and those in Kinship Care
August 9th-August 20th 2010 (restrictions apply)
The Center for Adoption Support & Education, along with its partners The Montgomery Department of Recreation and Through the Kitchen Door, are thrilled to announce this 2-week Summer Camp opportunity for Middle School Youth from select areas within Montgomery County.
Click Here for details and eligibility requirements. Submit your Referral form today, spaces limited.
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Did You Know? – Fundraising Tip of the Month
Does your company Match Gifts?
Families have access to support & education services, the adoption and foster care communities are strengthened, a network of advocates are mobilized, the doors of communication are opened between parents and children/teens -- these are just some of the ways that gifts are put to work through The Center for Adoption Support & Education. Thanks to the generosity of our donors, C.A.S.E. continues to strengthen the well-being of children and families in the foster and adoption communities. Our supporters have become part of a network of thousands of people who donate their time, money and resources to the work of C.A.S.E. We thank them for their gifts and we are privileged to put their compassion into action.
Your gift could be matched dollar for dollar! Many employers sponsor matching gift programs and will match charitable contributions made by their employees. Best of all, you are recognized for the full amount of your own gift plus any resulting corporate match
To find out if your employer (or your spouse's employer) has a matching gift program, visit your Personnel/Human Resources department today. If your company is eligible, request a matching gift form from your employer, and send it completed and signed with your gift.
Please complete the form and return it to:
The Center for Adoption Support & Education
4000 Blackburn Lane
Burtonsville, MD 20866
Attn: Tamara Martin
We will do the rest. The impact of your gift to this organization may be doubled or possibly tripled! Some companies match gifts made by retirees and/or spouses.
The Center for Adoption Support & Education’s Identification Number (also known as Employee Identification Number or EIN) is 53-2100734
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C.A.S.E. Founder Kathleen Dugan, receives The Audrey Robbins Volunteer of the Year Award 2010
June 2010
Terry Owens, Emcee; Kathleen Dugan, Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.), Volunteer of the Year; Nancy Huggins, Audrey Robbins Awards, Co-Chair
Kathleen Dugan believes that every child deserves a loving, permanent family, and that every child and family joined through adoption deserves qualified, adoption-competent mental health and family support services. Not only has she lived this commitment – adopting eight children in addition to her four daughters by birth, but her efforts have created a nationwide organization that since 2001 in Howard County alone has served more than 275 families. Through her efforts, and the philanthropy that back them up, families adopting a child with special needs have a support group to which they can turn, foster parents, and adopted children can meet with other adoptees to share experiences and learn skills to manage questions and comments that can range from the curious to the cruel. Pre-teens learn how to understand their story while exploring issues relating to their identity, birth family and their adoption story.
Clarksville resident Michael Battle has knows the impact of Kathy’s commitment. He and his wife, and their two adopted children have benefited from C.A.S.E.’s programs. They’ve provided critical guidance to help them understand the challenges adoptees and their families face. Working with Kathy he says, “She is somebody who walks the walk…She has a positive aura about her,” he notes, and is an “encouraging, positive force in every interaction we’ve ever had.” Kathy, he says, “has taught him what real stewardship means.”
Audrey Robbins Humanitarians.
Back row, standing: Terry Owens, Emcee; Janet Edelman, NAMI-Howard Country, President, Volunteer Team of the Year; Donna Wells, Howard Country Mental Health Authority, Employee of the Year; Jay Blackman, ACS President. Front row, seated: Nancy Huggins, Audrey Robbins Awards, Co-Chair; Susan Rosenbaum, Lifetime Achievement Award, Kathleen Dugan, Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.), Volunteer of the Year.
Kathleen Dugan has also spent hundreds of hours meeting with local officials as well as state political figures and professionals – to share her story and to educate them about the needs vulnerable children. But she doesn’t just talk about what it takes to support adoption; she directly helps those experiencing it. On the first Wednesday of every month she can be found in the C.A.S.E. office leading a You're Never Alone: It Takes a Village Adoptive Parent Support Group where she shares her own experiences.
Debbie Riley, who first approached Dugan with the idea of starting the Center, notes “Kathy has an incredible heart. She wants to make sure the outcomes for children are wonderful in a positive way. Kathy always sees the glass flowing over. She is the most optimistic person you every want to meet. No obstacle gets in her way”.
To view “Volunteer of the Year” video, click here
To read article in the Baltimore Sun, click here
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Beneath the Mask: A Celebration of Art & Adoption Gala
May 2010
On behalf of The Center for Adoption Support & Education (C.A.S.E.) and The Metropolitan Center for the Visual Arts (VisArts) at Rockville, we would like to thank all of our dedicated donors and supporters for making this event a success and allowing us to achieve our mission. The event raised more than $30,000.
Saturday May 1st 2010 will always be a night to remember. The evening marked a unique fundraising and awareness-raising collaboration between two trailblazing non profit organizations; The Center for Adoption Support & Education and The Metropolitan Center for the Visual Arts. “Beneath the Mask: A Celebration of Art and Adoption”, was not only an elegant Gala in Rockville attended by nearly 140 guests, but a collaboration between the community and families, partners and supporters, and friends and colleagues. The event raised more than $30,000, that will further the mission of both organizations.
The evening began with passed hors d'śuvres catered by Through the Kitchen Door, and a silent auction that featured an array of 50+ fun items ranging from a roof top event at Seska Lounge, a tour of historic Williamsburg, and a fused glass sculpture to a summer football camp, fine jewelry, and a beauty and pamper and beauty baskets. Guests mingled while experiencing ambiance, eclectic artwork of foster and adopted youth, and live jazz and swing music.
The Finest: IMPACT (Inspiring Mentoring, Positive Activists Called Teens!) Dance Troupe showcased their talent through an inspirational and eye-opening dance performance. The Finest! Youth Performance Troupe is a multicultural youth performance group of actors, dancers and steppers. This group of Middle and high school teens explore and tackle real world issues in a theatrical setting, fostering thought-provoking audience discussion while building resiliency skills.
C.A.S.E. and VisArts were grateful to have Carol Trawick, president of the Jim and Carol Trawick Foundation at the event to provide some inspiring words about the value and power of collaboration. Her foundation was responsible for bringing these two organizations together one year ago, as C.A.S.E. and VisArts are two of four local nonprofits who partnered and together received the Trawick Foundation's first TeamUp grant, a grant which funds the Leadership Empowerment and Action Program (LEAP), a youth development program for foster and adopted youth in the county and their families.
Sponsored By
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Upcoming Events
Save the Date
9th Annual Golf Tournament at Whiskey Creek Golf Course!
Friday, October 15th 2010
Save the Date
KAN Conference & Carnival will be held on National Adoption Day!
Saturday, November 20th 2010
Across the Nation: C.A.S.E. Educates Parents and Professionals
JULY
14th - August 2nd "W.I.S.E. UP! for Children and Parents" (ASIAC, Australia)
23rd "W.I.S.E. UP! for Children and Parents" (Ethiopian Heritage and Culture Camp, VA)
AUGUST
5th-7th "The Importance of Birth Parents in the Lives of Adopted Children" and "Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens" (North American Council on Adoptable Children, OH)
5th-8th "W.I.S.E. UP! for Children and Parents" (Parents Adopting Kids Kamp, Monterey, CA)
25th "Loss and Grief in Adoption and Foster Care" (psychologists of Baltimore County Public Schools, MD)
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Help Build A Forever Family “Buy A Bear”
To order your bear today, visit the Merchandise section of our online store.
Donor Survey
Donors and supporters like you have made it possible for C.A.S.E. to reach our mission and actively affect the lives of thousands of families since 1998. We would like to get to know you better. Please take the brief survey below. Your participation in this short survey will help improve the communications you receive from us. From the results we will be able to:
- Understand what you value so we can prioritize our efforts.
- Learn the best way to tell you what your donations are achieving.
- Identify the most passionate advocates and how to best cultivate stronger relationships with you.
- Develop lifelong friendships with our all of our supporters.
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