CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - May 2010

Adopting Your Foster Child: What Every Parent Needs to Know

DC Premiere of Living on the Fault Line

Participate in National Transracial Adoption Study

ADOPTING YOUR FOSTER CHILD: WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW

Mr. and Mrs. Chandler couldn't wait to become a "forever family" to their two foster children, brother and sister - Demetri and LaShawn, who came into care when they were 8 and 6. The Chandlers were their first and only foster family. They deeply loved these children and there was never a doubt about their commitment to them. However, if you ask the Chandlers, becoming a "forever family" meant learning to "wait forever" to have their dream come true. It took four years for these foster parents to be allowed to adopt Demetri and LaShawn.

The Chandlers' story, is not unique. Despite the mandate to move children from foster care into permanency, the reality is that a good amount of time can pass while child welfare workers pursue the concurrent plan of reunification or adoption. The legal process often involves decisions that extend the period of time to work toward possible reunification, and may also involve time-consuming appeals by birth parents to overturn decisions that terminate their parental rights. One can only imagine how difficult it was for the Chandlers to overcome their fear of losing these children. However, overcome it, they did. While they "waited forever", the Chandlers continued to be good foster parents, as they had to many other children. They faithfully brought the boys to monthly visits with their birth family, comforted their children on those occasions when the birth parents didn't show, honored their birth parents on birthdays, Mother's Day, holidays and other significant events. As a result of their kindness, love, and sense of inclusion, Demetri and LaShawn were protected from the not uncommon "loyalty struggles."

Sometimes it is the foster parents themselves who delay finalization. They may worry about losing the support of the social workers and services they have come to rely on that are part of foster care. The special challenges of raising children who have faced trauma, who may come from compromised beginnings, who are grieving losses including birth family, may make the adoption finalization quite scary. As one parent said, it has been comforting to know that the social worker, "has my back."

Regardless of the circumstances or time period for finalization to take place, it is extremely important that foster families resist the pull to "drift into adoption." Having had a child in their home for many years, they may not see adoption as a big change either for themselves or their children. As one parent, Jane said, "Nothing's changed. We are adopting her because we love her and we will go on with our lives as usual." With this belief, parents may not see the need for adoption education, and then be blindsided when their child begins to express feelings or exhibit behavior that is unusual and distressing, as Jane's daughter, Sally did. For Sally, while being thrilled about being adopted by Jane, adoption ALSO meant losing her beloved social worker who had been there for her through 4 placements, in addition to losing the long-established ritual of seeing her birth siblings at the agency. Sally, 11, said, "All I know is foster care, and now it's just going to be us." In addition, Sally had many other questions/concerns that her mother could not possibly have anticipated such as, "Should I change my last name? Will the school lose my records if I change my name? How will my birth siblings feel if I change my name? How do I tell my classmates about being adopted?"

Thus, whether feeling euphoric, extremely relieved, or ambivalent about adoption, it is important for foster families to be prepared for what adoption means, just like any new family adopting a child who has not first been their foster child. The many changes that come with adoption finalization should be carefully considered and explored by the foster/soon- to-be adoptive parents.

Parents need preparation to understand both their own emotional reactions to the changes adoption brings as well as their children's reactions so that they may meet the emotional needs of their now adopted children. One area for exploration is the changes that adoption will mean for birth family contact/relationships. Regardless of open adoption agreements, parents are now in charge of the circumstances around which these relationships will continue. This can again be a welcome change or a scary one. Changes in the frequency of contact likely will impact the children, as will feelings around grief and loyalty that may not have surfaced before. As Maris Blechner and Helene Gershowitz write in The Coalition Voice, Fall 2000, "A child can live in a foster home for years and never touch the issues deep down inside, as long as that child can hold on to the belief that someday he or she is going back to their birth family. However, once the decision is made by foster parents to adopt, a child has to look at all of those buried issues, in order to decide to be their child."

Some children we see at C.A.S.E. share their most intimate stories about their neglect, abuse and other trauma only AFTER they are adopted and claimed by a family. They want and need the security of forever parents who will accept and listen lovingly to their secrets and worst fears. They need to be securely anchored. Like adults, children will only grieve with people they trust to be there for them. And because so many foster children have had multiple moves, they need to experience that feeling of permanency in their adoptive family before they can address the trauma they have experienced.

Acting out behavior related to grief can also involve a child's attempt to test the child's adoption commitment \u2013 sometimes shortly before and often after finalization. A recurrence of old problematic behavior can reoccur as if to say, "You really want me? Let's see\u2026if I am really bad, will you STILL want me?" One 9 year old boy admitted that he felt deep shame for "his part" in getting into foster care and believed he was a bad, disloyal child. Luckily his adoptive parents were prepared for his challenging behavior and could respond tenderly.

One way to mark the important distinction between foster care and adoption is use of rituals that serve to celebrate this important and desired change, despite all its complicating emotions. Many jurisdictions require a court appearance for the adoptive family where pictures are taken \u2013 even with the judge! Extended family and friends often attend to witness the signing of the legal documents. Whether you throw a party or have a quiet family special activity, mark the day of finalization. Many families continue to celebrate Adoption Day as a special anniversary. After all, "waiting forever" families certainly are entitled to have a day of appreciation to honor all their hard work and accomplishments. Children frequently tell us that they remember their adoption day. The celebration has great significance for them as they end their journey in foster care and become part of a permanent family. Celebrate this happiness!

"Why are you in foster care?" "What happened to your parents?" "Why don't you live with your real parents?" "Why don't you look like your (foster) mother?" "Did your real mom do drugs?"

No matter what situation brings on a question or comment, children in foster families are more confident when they feel in control of their responses.

Please visit our website www.adoptionsupport.org
Click on C.A.S.E. Store to learn about the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook and take advantage of this special offer.
Enter Coupon Code: WISEUPBOGO
(This offer is good until June 15, 2010)

Ask Ellen: "Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone"
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

Dear Ellen,

I know about C.A.S.E.'s W.I.S.E. Up! Tool and have taught it to my children since they first started school. They are now teenagers and I worry that it is more challenging for them to figure out how to respond to the more complicated questions they are getting from their peers, such as "Don't you think about finding your birth mom? If I were you, I'd want to meet mine."

It is understandable that the questions teens get asked about adoption are more complex than the ones they dealt with as younger children. And just as those questions mirrored the very questions that adopted children themselves might be wondering about, questions from a teen's peers are just as likely to strike a nerve. Teens are thinking with greater sophistication about their adoption, and they often want more detailed, deeper answers to their own questions. Remarks like the one above may indeed mirror a teen's internal thoughts and may be painful to hear. People of all ages are generally curious about adoption. A friend of a teen may certainly comment that they can't imagine why someone wouldn't want "to keep their child..." or want to know "Where are your real parents? Why didn't they "keep you?" Again, to a teen who is struggling to make sense of his adoption, or a teen who may be wondering if her birth mother ever thinks about her, such questions may feel like pouring salt on an open wound. Therefore, as with children, teens are in need of parental support and guidance for answering hard questions. However, they may not ask for it. Keeping communication open with teens is tricky but important. It is extremely important to talk with your teen about his adoption story. Talking about his issues/questions may help soften the blow for when an outsider brings them up.

Parents should also help their teen anticipate the questions they may get asked, and explore what the teen has already experienced. One way to do this is to share your own experiences with your teen. One mother told her 15 year old transracially adopted daughter that the grocery store cashier asked her if her husband was Asian. The mother replied, "No, he's not, but I am." The daughter laughed and told her mother that a few of her classmates told her that she is lucky she was adopted, that she might otherwise be living in a dirt hut with no education. The daughter replied, "Yeah, and all I would eat is rice!" This mother and daughter used humor to cope with these upsetting, uncomfortable experiences. Sharing the "inside joke" created a bond with which they could ease the hurt.

It may be very helpful to also help your teen understand why non-adopted people are often so misinformed about adoption. And don't be afraid to reinforce what they learned in W.I.S.E. Up! (or teach it to your teen if they are unfamiliar with it. For more information, go to www.adoptionsupport.org/publications.) Only now – think about it in terms of the social situations your teen is likely to encounter. Remember that teens worry about friendships, fitting in, and their popularity. In the company of their peers, teens usually mask their internal strife, make light of tough questions, or avoid questions altogether. Practicing WISE Up! can help them they feel in control of awkward moments as they think about how they want to respond as opposed to feeling caught off guard. As one teenage girl said, "I was asked by my girlfriends if I ever wanted to find my birthfather. I know that my story may be kept private-and I can say that now without feeling ashamed or embarrassed."

C.A.S.E.'S Virginia Office Moves!

Our Virginia office is moving April 1st to 5101 H Backlick Road in Annandale, Virginia. The new office repesents an expansion of our services which include adoption-competent individual and family therapy for both foster, birth, and adoptive families as well as groups for children and teens, and educational programs for parents and professionals. Our staff will grow along with our space as we look forward to continuing to serve our clients, our community and new families.

Phone: 703-256-3820
Fax: 703-256-3821

DC Premier of Living on the Fault Line, Where Race and Family Meet, with filmmaker Jeff Farber
Film Screening and Discussion about the Family Challenges of Transracial Adoption

Date and Time: June 3rd at 6:30 PM
Location: Washington Ethical Society

Metropolitan DC– The Washington Ethical Society announces that on Thursday, June 3rd at 6:30 p.m., it will host a community-wide event built around the screening of the award-winning documentary film, Living On The Fault Line, Where Race and Family Meet. The evening is co-hosted by a local partnership of Rainbow Families DC, the Washington Ethical Society, The Center for Adoption Support & Education, and is open to the entire community. A $ 5.00 donation is appreciated.

The event will feature the DC area premiere screening of the highly acclaimed documentary film Living On The Fault Line: Where Race And Family Meet (www.onthefaultline.com) by Vermont filmmaker Jeff Farber, followed by a facilitated discussion with Mr. Farber. When Sandra Bullock graces the cover of People Magazine holding aloft her newly adopted child of color, this film takes on a new urgency, not only for adoptive families but for all those with an interest in understanding the changing landscape of race and family in our culture.

Adoption Today Magazine has said this about Living On The Fault Line, Where Race And Family Meet, "The parents who adopt transracially not only adopt a child, they also adopt a vivid new awareness of race and culture. Living On the Fault Line invites audiences to join these families in that growing awareness." This film has also been hailed as "an excellent place to begin examining the issues of race and white privilege" and "a compelling investigation of an important topic".

In exploring the intersection of family love and racial, Living On The Fault Line, Where Race And Family Meet reveals itself as an honest and open-hearted look at race in America as it profiles nine transracial adoptive families, illuminating the complex and emotional story of institutional inequities and racial stereotyping intruding into the haven of family and the community beyond. A preview of the film can be seen on you tube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV9bbqK4E4w.

About Jeff Farber
Producer, director and cinematographer, Jeff Farber has been an award-winning independent filmmaker for over 25 years. His career began in Philadelphia, where he was a founding member of New Liberty Productions (1980-86), a multi-racial film collective. His previous works include The Valley Green; Brother Bread, Sister Puppet; Beyond 88 Keys: The Music of Michael Arnowitt; and Living the Autism Maze. Living on the Fault Line, Where Race and Family Meet is Mr. Farber\u2019s latest and most ambitious project. Learn more at www.onthefaultline.com

Participate in National Transracial Adoption Study

Department of Family Science, University of Maryland, in conjunction with The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.), are initiating a national survey of transracially adopted adolescents and their families. The specific focus of the study is to examine the impact of family characteristics on the overall adjustment, self-esteem and racial identity of racial minority youth adopted by white parents.

We believe this research will benefit us in providing better services to the youth and families we serve as well as the general field of adoption. We encourage you to consider participating!

Who can participate?

If you are a white adoptive parent(s) and you have adopted at least one racial minority child who was either placed or adopted by age 3 and is now an adolescent between the ages of 14-18, your family would qualify.

What will I be asked to do?

Both parent and child will be asked to complete an on-line survey that will take approximately 20 minutes. Adolescents who complete the survey will receive a $10 iTune gift card.

How do I find out more about the study?

If you would like to know more about the study or are interested in participating, contact:

Dr. Leigh Leslie
Department of Family Science
The University of Maryland, College Park
301-405-4011, lleslie@umd.edu

MAY
5- Healing through LifeBooks(Arlington County, VA, child welfare staff)
18-Adoption through the Eyes of Children (Park School, MD)
21- Impact of Adoption on Families (Southern CT University, Post Mster's Adoption Competency Course
30- Retreat for young adults who aged out of foster care system (Congressional Coalition Adoption Institute)

JUNE
12- Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens (Families with Children from China Camp, NJ)
15-16- Disruption and Dissolution: How to Support Children and Families (UCLA, Center on Child Welfare, CA)
17 -Moving Forward to Permanency: Openness in Adoption(Cecil County Department of Social Services)
23- W.I.S.E. UP! about Adoption (Baltimore County Public Schools, MD)