CASE:eNewsletter

IN C.A.S.E.
The Center for Adoption Support & Education
November E-Newsletter

Message from Debbie Riley, Chief Executive Officer

November is one of my favorite months of the year. Yes, I love Thanksgiving, but more importantly, it’s National Adoption Awareness Month! It’s a time when all over our country we highlight positive adoption stories and raise awareness of the 115,000 children living in foster care awaiting permanent, loving adoptive families. Saturday, November 20, is National Adoption Day. On that day, hundreds of adoptions will be finalized in courthouses across the country. According to the Dave Thomas Foundation (link to site), since the year 2000, 30,000 adoptions have been finalized on National Adoption Day.

At C.A.S.E., we are proud to celebrate adoption and spread the word that every child deserves a permanent, loving home. To honor adoptive families in our community, C.A.S.E. created the Kids Adoption Network Conference and Carnival. This year, National Adoption Day is even more special to me because C.A.S.E. is holding the Conference on November 20th. For the 14th year, excited children, teens and their parents will gather in the auditorium awaiting the kick- off of the day’s activities. As the energy heightens, I will welcome everybody and ask the most important question of the day, “How many people in this room are adopted? –Please wave your hands up high!” The thrill of seeing those waving hands of approximately 130 adopted children and teens from every type of adoptive family (along with parents, C.A.S.E. staff and volunteers who are adult adoptees), never fails to touch my heart. On this day, we WILL celebrate how adoption helps to create strong, vibrant, loving families.

I am especially excited about the program we have planned for parents this year. Adoptive parents consistently tell us that they wish they could “look into the future.” Last spring when I was presenting at an adoption conference, I had the privilege of seeing Ms. Zara Phillips, an adult adoptee who is a writer, singer and producer of a documentary, Roots: Unknown. We have invited Ms. Phillips to share her honest and fresh insights about the experience of adoption. In recognition of the wonderful diversity of the adoptive families participating in the K.A.N. conference, Ms. Phillips and I will also facilitate a multi-racial panel of adults who were adopted internationally and domestically. In addition, we are very pleased to present poet, adult adoptee and adoptive parent, Penny Callan Partridge who will perform a poem from her from her poetry anthology, The People They Brought Me. Whether you are a new or experienced parent, someone considering adoption or waiting to adopt, I am certain that what you learn from these “experts” will be invaluable.

Looking for ideas on how to celebrate this month with your family? Consider planning a special dinner with your family. Or take a family photo and give each family member a framed copy to keep in their room. Light a candle as a family for children in foster care who are still waiting for adoptive families. For more ideas and information about National Adoption Month, please visit www.adoption.about.com, www.nationaladoptionday.org or www.DaveThomasfoundation.org. As we reflect upon what we are thankful for this November, everyone at C.A.S.E. wishes you and your families the very best, and gives thanks to you for having allowed us to be a part of your families.

Regards,

DEBBIE RILEY
CEO

Special Offer to Celebrate National Adoption Month

Throughout the month of November, we are taking 20% off four of our publications: Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens, S.A.F.E. at School, W.I.S.E. UP! Powerbook and W.I.S.E. UP! for Children in Foster Care. In addition, there is 15% off The Whole Me. Use this code to receive the discount: aamw20. Purchase your books today!

Adopting the Older Child
by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

There are many reasons why prospective parents choose to adopt children who are older (defined as typically three and up.) For some it is their own age – because they are “older parents” – either first-time parents, or having already raised biological/adopted children, it makes sense to them to parent older children. Marla, 47, mother of two adopted children, ages 8 and 10 says, “I didn’t want to have children in college when I’m getting ready to retire!” For others, there’s a feeling of wanting to provide a home for a child who really needs one. “Everyone wants babies,” says Rebecca. “We felt that older children are sometimes forgotten. They need good homes, too!” For others, caring for infants and young children is either not that appealing or doesn’t feel practical. Doug, Rebecca’s husband says, “My wife and I work full-time and have no family in the area to help out. We felt that an older child would fit more easily into our lives.”

Whatever the motivation, the decision to adopt older children must come after careful consideration (KNOW THYSELF!) and education as to both the many rewards as well as the challenges involved. Older children come with histories – whether having lived in foster care, orphanages, or with birth family. Their pre-adoptive experiences may leave them with unresolved emotional issues. Such issues include significant loss and grief related to - birth family, possibly including siblings; previous caregivers; and sometimes – culture, religion, etc. In addition, some children may have experienced trauma – physical, emotional, sexual abuse; neglect, witnessing violence, substance abuse, parental psychiatric disturbance, etc.

All adopted children need help to grieve the losses they have experienced. Placed in permanent families where they experience their new parents’ commitment and loving support, they are often able to address their issues. Empathetic listening, compassion, and patience from their parents can help them further develop the resiliency they already have that enabled them to survive difficult life experiences.

Parenting older children is therefore a very special and important job. Key to the success of older adoptive placements is preparation, according to Madeleine Krebs, Clinical Coordinator at CASE. She notes, “Both the parents’ and the child’s expectations need to be carefully explored and adjusted for what the realities are likely to be. For example, a child coming from an orphanage may never have lived in a family and therefore may have no idea as to how a family functions. Having experienced multiple caregivers, he may have no model for being able to understand what a “Mom or Dad” is. On a practical level, for example, he may never have ridden in a car with a seatbelt, or been to a grocery store. And of course, he is experiencing these cultural differences in a foreign language.”

Ms. Krebs notes that children may be very excited, and/or scared about the new changes, and have difficulty adjusting to parental expectations. They may be confused by how the reality differs from their fantasies of what life would be like after adoption. Ms. Krebs describes how one seven year old girl moving into a family with older siblings was terrified of them because in her birth family, the older children were often in charge of the younger ones and were quite hurtful to them. The parents’ knowledge of their daughter’s experience enabled them to prepare the older siblings to adjust the ways they interacted with their new sister until she grew comfortable with them. This meant a great deal to the girl and enabled her to learn that the roles of older children – siblings – in her family included that of protection of younger siblings, helping her to feel safe.

An older child coming from foster care may have multiple models of what parents are like and unfortunately, some of their experiences may not have been positive ones. They too, may have a mix of feelings of excitement, fear and confusion. Ms. Krebs says, “One little eight year old boy with a history of physical abuse, adopted by a single mother, would hang his head and become mute whenever he was upset, and then later get into trouble with aggressive behavior toward peers at school. It was likely that his birth parents told him to keep quiet and that his silence kept him from further abuse.” With therapeutic support from his therapist and loving encouragement from his mother, he learned how to verbalize his feelings. He eventually became more confident in expressing his feelings in new and positive ways.

Children involved in concurrent planning, where the plan may have been reunification with the birth family, are likely to be quite confused about this plan and show signs of anxiety that may be difficult to understand. Again, parents need to take into account the earlier chapters of their older child’s life experiences for clues to make sense of present day behavior or emotions.

What Parents Can Do

Ms. Krebs notes that in light of this understanding, parents need to be very patient with themselves and with the children. Older children will go through many changes as they learn how to develop reciprocal relationships with their new family members. “It just takes time,” she says. “It helps tremendously if parents have a good understanding of the child’s pre-placement history and are prepared to listen to their child’s stories from the past. They must also be prepared to do a lot of teaching about what is expected in their family – Parents must continually state, ‘In our family, we don’t do___. This is what WE do. One ten year old boy stated that in previous placements, everyone ate dinner in their own rooms. He had to adjust to the fact that in his adoptive family, family members were expected to eat dinner together. Of course, it is equally important that parents be open to incorporating some of the child’s wishes (such as traditions and rituals) into family life.”

One of the most difficult aspects of parenting older children is the patience required for the time it may take for a mutually satisfying attachment to occur. In her book, Attaching in Adoption, Deborah Gray notes that it can take up to one to two years for the love to come. Many children who have been traumatized may be quite resistant to love for fear of being hurt and rejected. When parents can remember how long their courtship took to lead to a committed relationship, they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their child.

Parents often report feeling guilty when there are times when they have negative feelings about their children. Others feel lonely when family or friends do not understand how hard it can be sometimes. Support is critical for parents to know that what they are experiencing is normal, and important for helping them to persevere.

Adopting an older child can bring great joy to both parents and the child. The willingness to work with unique challenges is not right for everyone, but for those who choose to bring an older child into their lives, the hard work can bring great happiness.

RESOURCES:

Parenting the Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen
Adopting the Older Child by Claudia Jewett
Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray
Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray
Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes
Healing Parents by Michael Orlans and Terry Levy
Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Peck
Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Peck
The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Dear Ellen,

My 23 year old daughter is feeling “stuck” in several areas of her life. She has been with her boyfriend since her freshman year of college and while she loves him, she has many serious doubts about marrying and spending the rest of her life with him. Open to seeing a therapist, I suggested she come to C.A.S.E., but she insists that her issues have nothing to do with adoption. Any suggestions?

“Is it adoption or something else”? is a very common question that parents often wonder when their child, of any age, is experiencing a behavioral or emotional difficulty. There is a much better way to ask that question, which is: “How might the experience of adoption impact the typical, normal challenges that children, teens and adults face throughout their lives”?

C.A.S.E. has written extensively on the “extra layer” of challenge that adoption may present with normal adolescent tasks. We have discussed how feelings of ‘difference’ can complicate identity formation, and feelings of rejection by birth parents can impact separation from parents and the ‘leaving home’ process. (Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley) Moving from adolescence into adulthood, Freud described “the 20’s” as all about “love and work.” In Erik Erickson’s Eight Stages of Development, the developmental task to master between ages 20-34 is “intimacy vs. isolation.” So how might adoption impact this stage of development?

In adolescence, we talk about the possibility that some adopted teens experience the emotional task of separation from parents, in preparation for independence, as quite challenging. This is because ‘separation’ may retrigger feelings of rejection and abandonment that the teen experienced in childhood as they tried to make sense of adoption. The fact is that adopted young adults may continue to be driven by the same underlying feelings as they make choices around intimate relationships and other decisions. The security of a steady boyfriend/girlfriend may mitigate fears of rejection in the dating scene. Fears of rejection/abandonment may also motivate a young adult to compromise and settle for someone who is not quite who they want to be with, but who is safe and secure.

On the other hand, some young adults may find themselves repeating patterns of choosing unsuitable partners in order to avoid intimacy and hurt. They typically reject partners before they can be rejected. Other young adults are sometimes so fearful of rejection that they unconsciously bring it on by appearing too dependent and needy.

Without question, we all know non-adopted adults who display similar difficulties in their love relationships. To say that these patterns of behavior are connected only to the experience of adoption is certainly not the point. The reason, though, that adopted persons are encouraged to seek help from an adoption-competent therapist is because our expertise allows us to tease out HOW the experiences of growing up adopted MAY influence the adoptee’s emotional struggle. We won’t miss it, as other therapists may.

Our clients come to us after many years of seeking help with other therapists who never addressed the experience of adoption. One young man, Ben, was always choosing women who ultimately mistreated and were unkind to him. In therapy, Ben realized that he didn’t believe he deserved better because he was always battling feelings related to low self-worth. Growing up, his family never talked about adoption, and he realized that he was left on his own to cope with feelings related to why he was “given away.” Another young woman, Mia, adopted from Korea, realized that she couldn’t break up with her boyfriend whom she felt she had outgrown, because she was desperately afraid of being alone. She recalled lonely years in high school where she never felt like she really belonged either with her Caucasian friends or other Asians.

Therapists who are adoption-competent are experienced therapists with special training in adoption. We certainly understand all of the significant factors that may contribute to a person’s difficulty: e.g. biological predispositions, family relationships/experiences past and present, personality/temperament; etc. However, adoption is very important experience in our clients’ lives. Determining if/how the adoption experience connects to the problem an adoptee is experiencing is critical for effective treatment.

IT”S NOT A SPRINT…….IT’S A MARATHON

Life as an adoptive family is joyful, rewarding, and at times challenging. We often say that adoption is like a marathon, where after beginning the journey, one must remain confident, consistent and focused to complete the race. Marathon runners know that they must maintain their strength to reach the finish line. To do that, they need a little help along the way -- support from those on the sidelines who provide water, medical care and cheer them on.

Adoptive families need help from professionals who understand adoption; professionals who have the special skills, adoption competence to support them through their lifelong journey. C.A.S.E can equip a child to cope with difficult questions others ask about adoption, educate school personnel about a child's special needs, or help a teen who is struggling with questions related to identity.

For the past 12 years, The Center for Adoption Support and has provided hope, support and understanding to thousands of children, teens, adults and families. When we opened our doors, we were honored to have the opportunity to empower families to build the love, trust and relationships that would help them to succeed. Years later, as we strive to continue the goal of meeting the complex needs of the foster care/adoption community, we find ourselves in a wonderful but challenging position that requires your help.

Thanks to a significant $50,000 match gift, from the Debra Steigerwaldt Waller Foundation for Adoption Ltd., (“Foundation”), C.A.S.E has created the Waller-Jockey Foundation Scholarship Fund. With the leadership of Debra S. Waller, Chairman and CEO of Jockey International, Inc. (“Jockey”), Jockey through its corporate citizenship initiative, Jockey Being Family®, has helped raise awareness and availability of post-adoption services in support of adoptive families. We have accepted her challenge as part of our annual campaign, confident that our friends and supporters will help us to succeed.

Every dollar raised for this scholarship will benefit the children and families we serve. Consider the following:

$25 (Becomes $50) which will pay for a 90 minute Kids Adoption Network Group
$55 (Becomes $110) which will pay for 50 minutes of individual and family therapy
$125 (Becomes $250) which will pay for an initial assessment/evaluation
$83 (Becomes $166) which will pay for a 90 minute consultation

These are just examples of how your generous contribution can ensure that adoptive parents and their children receive the critical assistance that they need. This is an opportunity to see your gift doubled! Please help us make a significant impact on a child’s future.

The C.A.S.E. staff thanks you in advance for your continued support and we wish you and your family Happy Holidays!

W.I.S.E. UP! Train the Trainer course is being offered again this year!

Since its creation in 2003, our popular W.I.S.E. Up!® program has grown from a gem of an idea (“How can C.A.S.E. help adopted children respond to the questions and comments of others?” ) to a nationally and internationally acclaimed program that has helped over 20,000 adopted children and their parents.

In the beginning, C.A.S.E.’s cadre of adoption-competent counselors “teamed” with the W.I.S.E. Up! Owl to facilitate “easy-to-remember” empowerment workshops for adopted children and their parents in our conference room. The mission was simple: Create a safe place for children to express their feelings about being adopted and prepare them for the inevitable classmate’s questions, neighbor’s remark and insensitive school assignment.

It wasn’t long before the calls came flooding in: “How can we have W.I.S.E. Up! where we live?” We could not be everywhere, so we developed a Facilitator’s kit. And the word kept spreading. Over the years, we’ve come to learn that parts of the program have been removed, altered or misinterpreted – sometimes just a little, and sometimes a whole lot! To preserve the integrity of the W.I.S.E. Up! program and to fulfill C.A.S.E.’s mission that all children from foster and adoptive experiences have access to the necessary tools they need to address their feelings, as well as the questions and comments of others about adoption, we are inviting you and your organization to apply to become authorized W.I.S.E. Up! Facilitators.

This year’s course will be held on Friday, December 3, 2010, at Sunny Ridge Family Center outside of Chicago, Illinois. If you are interested in learning more about the numerous benefits to you and your organization by becoming a facilitator, and want more information about registration for the December course, please contact Valerie Kunsman at caseadopt@adoptionsupport.org.

Adoptive Parents: Please Help Us Learn About Counseling for Adoptive Families

Are you an adoptive parent who is about to begin or is interested in receiving counseling for your family or your adopted child?

If yes, you could be part of an exciting research project that could lead to improved services and resources for families like yours.

Participation would involve a total of 2 hours of your family’s time:

one hour for you and your child to answer questionnaires prior to beginning counseling,
and one hour for you and your child after completing counseling.

Participating families who complete the study will receive a total of $20 in gift certificates to Target.

Please consider helping the University of Maryland, Department of Psychology with this important study. For more information, contact Maria Wydra, M.A., at (443) 742-1041 or mwydra@psyc.umd.edu.

A huge THANK YOU to McCormick & Schmick of McLean, VA, for hosting and sponsoring a fabulous reception on November 4th which raised awareness and funds to support increased service delivery in C.A.S.E.'s NEW Virginia office!
9th ANNUAL GOLF TOURNAMENT - NOTABLE SUCCESS

Each year, The Center for Adoption Support and Education hosts a fun-filled day of lighthearted golfing competition that brings together our many generous sponsors and donors. This year's event on Friday, October 15th at Whiskey Creek Golf Club in Ijamsville, MD was especially memorable with 128 players and total revenue exceeding $68,000! Forty-five businesses participated including eleven new companies. Congratulations to the First Place team, Forrester Construction Company, the Second Place team, T.A. Beach Corporation and the Third Place team, Capital Tristate. Raffle winners included John Lano and Dave Pate. The ever popular “Dress Hole” elicited an additional $2,280, as well as many colorful photos! The staff at Whiskey Creek Golf Club was so impressed with C.A.S.E. and our players that they also made a donation. C.A.S.E. looks forward to October 2011 when we will host our very special 10th Annual Golf Tournament Benefit.

The Center for Adoption Support and Education would like to thank all the Sponsors of our 9th Annual Golf Tournament Benefit who helped to ensure another successful event! C.A.S.E. would like to especially recognize Steve Batista, UnderArmour for their generous donation of golf shirts and gloves for each player! C.A.S.E. also heartily thanks the Golf Committee: Ellen and Steve Baron, Mike and Kathy Dugan, and Frank Watkins for their outstanding commitment to this fundraising event!

Grand Slam Sponsors ($5,000)
Battle Resource Management, Inc.
Capital Tristate
Freestate Electrical Companies
T.A. Beach Corporation

Tee and Green Sponsors ($2,500)
Bignell Watkins Hasser Architects P.C.
Carl M. Freeman Companies
Dominion Electric Supply Company
Electrical Wholesalers
Maurice Electrical Supply Co.
Regency Centers
Joe and Penny Richards
Shepherd Electric Company, Inc.
Siemens Industry
Thomas & Associates Consulting and B Construx

Cart Sponsors ($1,250)
Battle Resource Management Inc.
Carrollton Enterprises Management Company
Colony Supply
Dynaelectric Company
Forrester Construction Company
Graybar Electric Company
Joan Most and Friends
Lara, Shull and May LLC
MBC Imaging
The Peterson Development Companies
Rexel
Schlenger/Pitz & Associates Inc.
Sunbelt Rentals
Tishman Construction
United Rentals
Valley Lighting
Watkins Partnership, Inc.
Xpertechs

Meal Sponsors ($300)
Elm Street Development
First Coast Partners LLC
GLW
Kelly Generator and Equipment, Inc.
The Traffic Group
The Velnoskey Wolf Group
C.A.S.E. staff

Putters ($100-$1,000)
Arva Jackson
CH Tel Company, Inc.
Federated Lighting
J Donegan Company
L&L Supply
Loiderman Soltesz Associates
Singleton Electric Company

We thank the following individuals and companies for their donation of prizes. Ellen and Steve Baron

Bear Trap Dunes Golf Club
Blue Mash Golf Course
Carl M. Freeman Companies
Crofton Country Club
Mike and Kathleen Dugan
Golf Galaxy
Carine Moegling
Regency Centers
River Run Golf Course
Cheryl Thomas Paige
Whiskey Creek Golf Club

Let's Celebrate National Adoption Month!

Adoption Today and Fostering Families Today magazines are doing a giveaway-a-day in November for subscribers and Facebook fans. Included in the giveaways are books by CEO Debbie Riley and The Center for Adoption Support and Education. Other giveaways include movies, CDs, books and so much more...all from adoption and foster care advocates around the world. Win prizes, subscriptions and more by participating in AT and FFT's great National Adoption Month Promotion. You'll be able to purchase Adoption Today, the premier resource for adoptive parents with children of all ages and Fostering Families Today, the only national publication providing education, information and resources specifically for foster parents. But you'll also have the chance to win really great prizes. Prizes will be given away through AT and FFT's Facebook page daily, so become a fan today at http://bit.ly/bydewq and http://on.fb.me/a72lVg.

In addition to daily giveaways, Fostering Families Today and Adoption Today have set some benchmark goals for new and renewed subscriptions throughout the month of November:

When FFT and AT reach 1,000 Facebook fans, 10 free subscriptions to Adoption Today or Fostering Families Today magazine will be given away.
When 100 new subscribers or renewals sign up for each magazine, a $50 gift card for dinner will be given away from the first 100 subscribers for each magazine.
When AT and FFT reach 250 new subscribers or renewals, a $100 gift card to your choice of Home Depot, Sears Portrait Studio, or Amazon.com merchants will be given away from the first 250 subscribers to each magazine.
When AT and FFT reach 500 new subscribers or renewals, a $250 gift card to Starwood Hotels including Sheratons, Westins and 4 additional luxury hotel groups worldwide will be given away, from the first 500 subscribers to each magazine.
When AT and FFT reach 1,000 new subscribers or renewals, $500 in cash, plus a matching donation of $500 to a non-profit of your choice will be given away to one lucky winner! Maybe you will choose The Center for Adoption Support and Education!

All offers expire Nov. 30, 2010. All new subscribers and renewals are eligible for all prizes and will be included in each applicable prize drawing. Prizes will be awarded by random selection drawing. All new subscriber entries are eligible for multiple prize awards.

Subscriptions to Fostering Families Today are $24 a year – a great price for six issues of a magazine dedicated to providing readers with current, quality foster care and adoption information. With a deal like this, every subscriber is a guaranteed winner! Purchase beginning Nov. 1 at www.fosteringfamiliestoday.com and get ready to win!

Subscriptions to Adoption Today are $12 a year – another great price for 10-plus issues of a digital magazine dedicated to providing readers with current, quality pre- and post-adoption information. Purchase beginning Nov. 1 at www.adoptinfo.net and get ready to win!