March 2006
In this issue
The Importance of Birth Family Connections
Love is Not Enough: Parenting
in Transracial Adoption
Transracial Adoption: One Mom’s Perspective
THE IMPORTANCE OF BIRTH FAMILY CONNECTIONS
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
C .A .S .E . was fortunate to have Sharon Kaplan Roszia, author of The
Open Adoption Experience: as the keynote speaker for our 2005 Kids Adoption
Network carnival which was held on October 29 . Ms . Roszia’s presentation
addressed the importance of maintaining the connection to birth family
and the challenges adoptive parents must overcome in order to embrace
this reality . Her message and advice speaks to the core of understanding
what adoption is really all about . In this article, I would like to
highlight some of Ms . Roszia’s key points .
Ms . Roszia stated that in order for adopted people to come to a full
understanding of who they are, they need to have the information and
history from both their birth and adoptive families . She reminded us
of how most people deeply cherish their family stories, the history of
their ancestors and how parents pass this information down from one generation
to the next . Parents often put ancestors’ belongings in safekeeping
-- to pass down to their children – jewelry, books, religious artifacts,
art, etc . Ms . Rozia points out that it is the adoptive parents’ ‘job’ to
do the same for their children – to preserve their children’s
biological heritage – which is INFORMATION – to pass on at
appropriate times . She states, “We ask our children to put on
our cloaks and embrace our religion, our stories of where we came from,
our heritage . We need to be willing to put on their cloaks of identity
. We should be combining in our closet, all of that, so when we put on
our cloaks, we’re wearing each other’s .”
Ms . Roszia compassionately understands why it is hard for many adoptive
parents to fully embrace the significance of birth family to their children
. Whether it’s failure to gather or share information, to talk
about adoption, or to take advantage of opportunities available to remain
in communication/involvement with birth family, parents make decisions
all the time that move in the direction of “disconnect” instead
of connection . One reason is the debate over to whom the child belongs.
In an effort to claim children as their own, which adoptive parents must
do, they often make the mistake of thinking that connection to birth
family will undermine their child’s sense of belonging in their
adoptive family or their own sense of entitlement. Ms . Roszia notes,
the wrong question is being asked, “Its’ not, who does this
child belong to, but who belongs to this child?”
When parents adapt their mindset to understand that belonging to one’s
adoptive family and the rights to one’s birth connections are not
mutually exclusive, they can assist their children with difficult loyalty
issues that many adopted children, even adults struggle with . Especially
in adoptions with older children, children usually have attachments and
positive memories of their birth family . Ms . Roszia points out that
the birth family histories in the records of these children do not contain
ALL the information . “The humanity of these people is eliminated
. Only negative information is there, usually to make the case for termination
of rights .”
Other reasons for adoptive parents’ tendency toward “disconnection” involve
parents’ concern for the safety of their child and family . While
there certainly may be situations in which this is the case, more often
it is adoptive parents’ fear of the unknown that drives their decisions
. They worry that sharing certain information will hurt their children,
and that contact will confuse their children and result in other emotional
turmoil . Many experts give “one size fits all” advice, adding
to the confusion – “don’t tell that until the child
is 18, don’t search until the child is 18 .” The fact is
that children are not all the same and will not have the same needs at
the same time . Ms . Rozia points out that if adoptive parents keep the
connection to birth family like a “precious heirloom”, children
will know that their parents “anticipated and planned for” their
needs . The ability to have access to updated medical information, for
example, is no small gift . Children will deal differently with connections
and at different stages of their lives . But keeping connected allows
each child to make decisions according to what they need .
Birth parents also deal differently with connection at different stages
of their lives . When birth parents desire and are willing to have a
relationship with the adoptive family, many adoptive parents decide to
raise their children with these relationships from the beginning . However,
sometimes birth parents requests for contact come later . Ms . Rozia
notes that when birth parents request contact after having been out of
touch, when the child is older, she advises parents not to make a big
deal of it . Say something like, “Something really neat is happening
.” and that if children want to know why the birth parent has not
been around before – encourage them to ask their questions . Preparation
for reunion is essential – the adults, along with possible professional
support can help children anticipate all the possible outcomes and providing
them with support .
Ms . Rozia pointed out that whereas international adoption years ago
meant connections were forever lost, that is changing as well . Adoptees
are going back to Korea, Viet Nam, Russia and Latin/South America and
making connections . She hopes the same will one day be true for China
.
Adoptive parents at the conference shared their experience of deciding
to open contact with their child’s birth parents in middle childhood – in
response to their child’s questions, request and desires . One
mother of a nine year old girl said, “I agonized for a year, waking
up at night, wondering what to do, worrying if I would be opening up
Pandora’s Box .” With all the courage, she could muster,
she made the contact . “Written communication led to meeting and
has led to periodic visits . It has been wonderful . The moment that
I knew I had made the right decision was walking to the car after my
daughter’s very first meeting with her birth mother, when she said, “Gee
Mom, I never knew a birthmother was a friend .”
The understandable knee jerk reaction of parents is to protect children
from harm . In fact, what adult adoptees tell us over and over is that
they wish their parents spent less time protecting them and more time
listening to them, understanding their feelings, being honest with them,
and communicating . Parents can help their children to cope with their
realities, even if they are difficult – skills that will be useful
lifelong .
RESOURCES
The Open Adoption Experience: A Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth
Families- from Making the Decision Through the Child’s Growing
Years by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia
The Spirit of Open Adoption by James Gritter
Openness in Adoption: Exploring Family Connections by Harold Grotevant
and Ruth McRoy
Children’s Adjustment to Adoption: Developmental and Clinical
Issues by David Brodzinsky, Daniel Smith and Anne Brodzinsky .
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LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH: PARENTING
IN TRANSRACIAL ADOPTION
By Ellen Singer LCSW-C, Adoption Program
Specialist
Jaiya John, Ph .D ., an African-American adult adoptee was raised along
with his younger adopted African-American brother in a Caucasian family
in a predominantly Caucasian community . In his autobiography, Black
Baby White Hands: A View From the Crib, Dr . John writes that when his
father was asked by an African-American man, “How are you-all going
to teach this child all of the things that a Black child needs to know
to grow up in a society so strongly aversive to Black people?”,
his father replied honestly that he probably could not “do a good
job because of my ignorance and limited perspective,” but that
he would try to teach his son what his father had taught him, and “hopefully
that will provide him the tools and strength of character to figure out
the rest on his own .” Upon hearing this story, Dr . John notes
that while he appreciated his father’s acknowledgement of his limitations,
he thought to himself, “How exactly was I supposed to ‘figure
the rest out on my own? ?’ I had been lost in a racial hinterland… .Something
in our relationship had needed to stretch and elevate itself out of their
cradle and into mine—a dimension that could address my unique circumstance
.”
Without question, Caucasian parents raising adopted children of a different
race face the important challenge of ensuring that their children grow
up with knowledge and pride in their racial/cultural heritage -- keys
to a cohesive, positive identity and self-esteem . This involves commitment
to open communication –often initiated by parents, around
- the adoption story,
- the reactions of others to their visibly “different” family,
and of course,
- the racism that exists in our society .
With regard to the latter, parents need to discuss the positive and
negative racial stereotypes and biases that happen all around all the
time . Barb Franck, therapist at C .A .S .E . and mother of two African-American
children notes in “Creating an Emotional Safe Place” by Gina
Hagler in the Aug/Sept . 2005 issue of Adoption Today magazine, “A
safe place for transracially adopted kids is a home where differences
are acknowledged and celebrated…we need to redefine safe to mean
not protected but open, educated, interested and prepared .”
In addition to the home atmosphere, Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall emphasize
in Inside Transracial Adoption, that parents must make it a priority
to ensure that their children have “regular and comfortable connection
to the cultures with which society will identify them .” For many
parents, this means making changes in their lifestyle and facing their
any feelings of discomfort or fear. Living in a diverse community certainly
can help make this easier, but only if effort is made to make real, close
connections with families of the child’s birth heritage . If families
do not live in a diverse community, Steinberg and Hall suggest that parents
need to bring their children “to experiences with their cultural
group as frequently and for as long duration as possible .” Culture
camp is one example . If parents seek out experiences where they are
the minority, they will also understand what it feels like to be in their
children’s shoes .
Steinberg and Hall list the following suggestions to connect children
with members of their racial culture .
- Do everything in your power to make friends with at least one family
who shares your child’s racial heritage, hang out in their
neighborhood, giving your child a chance to make friends
with kids who share her racial experiences .
- Join in recreational, religious, or educational groups or activities
with members of your child’s racial or ethnic group .
- Shop; go to restaurants, movies, and beauty/barber shops with people
of your child’s heritage .
- Seek out special events such as museum exhibits, street fairs, musical
productions that are likely to be attended by people of
your child’s
heritage .
- Choose professionals of color: doctors, dentists, and teachers, etc
- Choose schools with diversity in mind .
- Join adoptive parent groups with other transracially adopted families,
esp . families with children of the same racial heritage
as your children .
Certainly by adolescence, if not before, as transracial adoptees move
further out into the world, their ability to cope with “being different” and
racism will continually be tested . In Beneath the Mask: Understanding
Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley and Dr . John Meeks, one 24 year
old man writes, “I was not aware of the apparent awkwardness my
family’s
racial consistency thrust upon society at large until I reached
my teenage years and was stripped of my naiveté…Soon, looks
that I once classified as just that turned into scowls or disgust
and visual admonishments .” How does he cope? “I deal with
it . I don’t
ignore the fact that my family is different from the majority
of families . What I ignore is the reminder that society gives
me each and every day telling me so ”
RESOURCES
Black Baby White Hands: A View From the Crib by Dr. Jaiya John
Inside
Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall
Beneath
the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley and
Dr . John Meeks
“Creating an Emotional Safe Place”, Aug./Sept. 2005 Adoption
Today magazine
National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse
“Transracial and Transcultural
Adoption” --National Adoption
Information Clearinghouse www.naic.acf.hhs.gov
W.I.S.E. Up!SM Powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle, M.A.
www.pactadopt.org
Back to top
Transracial
Adoption: One Mom’s Perspective
By Barb Franck
When I’m on my own walking down the sidewalk, the people I pass
probably don’t realize I’m a black woman. I’m not,
actually. I’m white, yet I look out at the world around me through
several sets of eyes. I am the white mother of black children. Children
who are mine through adoption.
I am ever aware of the differing realities we have in America based
on our skin color and how we look. I don’t imagine I can truly
know my kid’s experience of the world, but I’m sure going
to try. When they are out in the world without me they need to know how
to get by, how to make connections. They need to be comfortable in their
skin and in their selves. I want to be able to help them with that. I
want to be one of their many resources as they claim their identity.
We talk, we read, we have white friends and black friends. We live in
an interracial neighborhood in a city where interracial families are
not that unusual.
I’m not pretending that I’m black and that my kids are
growing up just as they would if they had black parents. I am also not
pretending my kids are white. We are an interracial family, blessed,
I believe, by the differences we bring to each other and the unique mix
we create together.
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