E-Newsletter -
Sept 2007
In this issue
Telling
the Truth About Adoption: An Interview with Jayne Schooler
Siblings in Adoption: The Critical
Impact of Separation
"What I Want the World to Know About Adoption..."
Dive In and Help C.A.S.E. Reach Out to More
Children and Families!
Ask Ellen - Is the W.I.S.E.
Up! Program just for children?
Telling
the Truth About Adoption: An Interview with Jayne Schooler
As National Adoption Month approaches, everyone at C.A.S.E.
looks forward to one of the favorite programs we offer: the Kids
Adoption Network Conference and Carnival on Saturday,
November 10th.
Jayne Schooler, author of several best-selling books, including
Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, will be
our keynote speaker.
Ellen: Jayne, why is it so hard for parents to "tell
the truth," to
talk with their children about the facts related to their
adoption story?
Jayne: There are quite a few concerns parents have around honest communication
with their kids. First of all, well-meaning, loving parents naturally
want to protect their children from anything that might hurt them. They
are afraid of the impact that the information will have on their children.
Second, children often don't always questions - really because they don't
know how to. As a result, parents mistakenly think their children don't
have a need for information. Given that belief and combined with their
discomfort, parents would naturally rather "let sleeping dogs lie." Dr.
Jane Hoyt-Oliver of Malone College , Canton , Ohio makes a point I agree
with: "Children will ask questions if they feel they have permission
to ask." In addition, many parents believe that the present is what
counts and it is hard for them to understand why they should bring up
the past. Whatever the reasons, parents need to know that any time
a children sense something is "being hidden," a feeling
of shame develops.
It is also understandably counterintuitive for parents to believe that,
for many children and teens, difficult, event hurtful information can
be healing. However, for many children, particularly adolescents, learning
the truth about their adoption story may be the very thing that puts
all the pieces in place for them and helps them to make sense of why
they were adopted.
Ellen: Many parents are quite nervous about
when and how to share what they consider to be “difficult” aspects of
their child's adoption story. What advice do you have?
Jayne: What parents really lack is the confidence and skill about how
to share the truth. They need help developing their skills for knowing
how to share information in an age-appropriate way and how to determine
a child's readiness for information. Figuring that out is not always
easy. Oftentimes, when I encourage a parent to share some aspect of a
child's story, such as the fact that the child has siblings living elsewhere,
the parent will say, “My child is not ready (for that information).” As
we work together, that same parent often realizes and says to me, “No,
I guess the truth is that I'm not ready.”
Ellen: You said that parents need confidence and skills
to share the truth. What other skills do they need to develop in order
to feel more prepared and confident?
Jayne: Parents are right to be concerned about the
impact of information on their children. We cannot predict what the “fall-out” might
be on a child. But rather than let this fear drive parents' decisions
to deprive children of information, parents can learn how to become better
skilled at knowing how to help their children process the information.
Parents are more comfortable with honest communication when they feel
equipped to handle their children's responses.
Find out how you can prepare to share essential information with your
child at the 11 th Annual KAN Conference and Carnival on Saturday, November
10, 2007. To register online, visit our program calendar!
Back to top
Siblings
in Adoption: The CImpact of Separation
by Sharon Roszia, M.S.,
Program Manager - The Kinship Center
The many
issues surrounding siblings in adoption are confusing, intriguing,
exciting, exhausting and can even seem endless as we address the
various forms. The fact that we are even discussing the topic is exciting,
when you consider that only recently has the issue been taken seriously.
People once thought the term referred only to those children growing
up within the same family unit, whether genetically connected or not.
This perspective fit the limited view of the new kinships formed by adoption,
which believed that these newly formed units were the same as any traditional
family, once adoptions were finalized.
Our awareness is broader now, due in part to the large number of families
involved in open adoptions and to the high numbers of children separated
by the child welfare system. Today, newly formed adoptive families must
consider a number of complex sibling relationships, including:
- Children in a family where some are adopted and some are
born into the family
- Children in blended families where a parent or parents brought
children to their marriage and then adopted together
- Children in a family who have varying degrees of contact
with their families of origin and where there may be sibling
contact with one child's family and not the other child's
family.
- Ghost siblings; children who had been in the adoptive family
before the new children arrived and are deceased or who had
disrupted from their placement.
- Former foster siblings that have meaning to the children
now being adopted into another family system.
- Siblings who stayed with the family of origin and siblings
who later arrived into the family of origin.
- Biological siblings who were placed with another adoptive
family.
- Children who became emotional siblings but were left behind
in orphanages and group homes.
- Siblings being raised in different relative caregiver homes.
My contention is that the effects of foster care and adoption have great
impact on sibling relationships. Neglecting to address such relationships
openly and honestly may cause unnecessary loss and heartache for the
children involved. Sibling relationships are potentially our longest
lasting and most intense relationships. The interplay of siblings exerts
a powerful life-long force. In addition, sibling bonds can be even stronger
for children in dysfunctional families, because they truly come to rely
on each other, especially in times of crisis.
Biologically connected siblings mirror each other; bring images of their
birth parents back to them; all siblings have the ability to mentor each
other, store memories and share secrets and fears. Older siblings, who
are the holders of family history, worry intensely when separated from
the younger siblings for whom they may have been responsible. It is important
to underscore that, even when children don't talk about their brothers
and sisters, this silence doesn't mean that they don't think about, wonder
about and worry about them. In fact, search and reunion organizations
report that more adoptees are apt search for their siblings than their
birth parents.
For families adopting through the child welfare system, the following
information is important. According to national statistics gathered through
the National Adoption Clearing House, 85% of children entering foster
care have at least one sibling; 30% have four or more; 75% of these siblings
end up living apart.
OBSTACLES TO SIBLING CONTACT
Despite a strong national movement to keep siblings connected, (some
states have sibling reunion registries) far too many children lose these
connections. Why? Because the creative energy and time it takes for agencies – both
public and private – to at least make sure that the people who adopt
these children get to know each other and see value in keeping the children
connected, is frequently missing. The idea that siblings (particularly
children who stay with the birth family, and those who are born after
placement) should form connections is not a common practice. Perhaps
because it is too complicated for agencies to properly ensure, in the
pressured system we currently have.
In a study about adoption disruptions, Dr. Rick Barth's research indicates
that siblings placed together tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral
problems and that sibling groups are less likely to experience disruption.
Placing siblings together can lead to better progress in resolving personal
issues; can decrease loneliness and increase a sense of belonging, according
to a study by Stocker. Separating children because of difficulties in
their relationship is not helpful; rather, they need experienced therapists
to help them change their relationship. Sometimes, siblings who aren't
given the opportunity to work through and resolve issues with each other,
may “work them out” on some other child or in a destructive relationship
later in life. When siblings truly cannot be placed together, they should
stay connected through the efforts of the adults involved and be given
opportunities to build shared memories.
Useful and creative visitations that allow children to be together and
camps such as Camp To Belong , where children can spend a week
just being kids and siblings together should be commonplace and financially
and socially supported
Far too often, siblings lose each other because the adults involved
find keeping these connections unnecessary. Parents may think, “These
children are part of my family now and need to move on with their lives
and forget the past”. Consider for a minute how difficult this is from
the child's perspective. It might be helpful for such parents to imagine
how they would react to being asked to forget their families and or to
give up special people from their childhood after being married.
Some parents simply find it inconvenient to schedule time for sibling
contact and are likely to say, “We are already very busy with school,
church and sporting activities.” Again, it might be helpful to consider
how important it is for them to maintain contact and spend time with
their own extended family members.
Sometimes parents decide to sever sibling relationships because the
people parenting their child's siblings are difficult, intrusive, threatening,
embarrassing or a negative influence. In order to handle potential challenges,
parents need to know how to set clear boundaries and, if necessary, should
consult with a professional to accomplish this task. However, parents
should know that many times, their worst fears will not come to pass.
Over time, contact and sharing can help to build a trusting relationship.
Should conflicts with parents of siblings be irreconcilable, parents
should find other ways for their child to stay in touch via e-mail, phone
calls, sending cards and notes, sharing art work or blogs, etc.
• Some parents worry that they have too little in common
with the family of their child's siblings; they may be of a different
race, religion or culture, have different values, or belong to different
socio-economics classes. Parents may worry that the other family will
negatively influence their child; however, it is important for parents
to remember that their children already know these folks and have a history
with them. It may also be helpful for them to think about the people
they already have in their lives who are different from them perhaps
in personality, life choices, or parenting style. They can think about
how they got to know them, bridge the differences and came to appreciate
these people who are different from them.
• When the situation involves contact with birth parents,
parents may feel “These people couldn't take care of my child and don't
deserve to be with our child.” Again, it is important to realize that
the reason for contact is not about what birth parents deserve, but about
what children deserve and need.
• Parents may not understand why their child would need contact
with a sibling they never met because the sibling was born into the birth
family after the child was adopted. Parents should think about how they
would feel if they were separated from a sibling they knew nothing about
and then were found by that sibling in later life. Building a relationship
with a sibling as adults is not as easy as knowing about each other and
having shared memories over time. Most of us would feel a loss. Remember,
each sibling brings their own gifts.
If parents can honor and respect how important sibling relationships
are, all potential obstacles are usually not insurmountable.
TIPS FOR PARENTS:
- Acknowledge sibling connections as your child defines them;
ask them who they consider to be their brothers and sisters.
Don't get hung up on full, half or quarter or biological-your
children don't count siblings in that way .
- Accept the confusion that siblings may feel as they are
moved from one family to another and as they may change birth
order.
- Expect children to re-process their sibling relationships
as they grow through their developmental stages towards adulthood.
Your job is to preserve their linkages and enable the building
of shared memories over time.
- Remain neutral about your children's' allegiances.
- Remember, there are shared biology and shared experiences,
both form sibling relationships.
- As adoptive parents, you have a choice to enhance your children's
linkages to siblings or diminish them. It puts you in a powerful
position and you may have to answer for your choices to your
grown children someday. Whether your children have siblings
by birth or “made/or chosen” siblings, such as former foster
siblings; children need help with four types of relationship
building that could strengthen their sibling ties. We connect
through the following means:
- Physical - How we look the same, such
as our big ears that stick out; smell the same; like the
same foods; have the same allergies.
- Emotional- are we sensitive, strong,
caring, funny, affectionate, stoic or empathetic?
- Mental –are we smart, curious, disciplined?
- Cultural -what foods, music, religion,
clothing, language do we share?
You can see that some of these ways of connecting are based on biology;
but much is based on shared life experience. You can support these connections.
Children aren't mobile or independent for a long time; they need their
parents' support in facilitating their connections.
- Schedule joint activities to facilitate memory building
between siblings; create life books; time lines; take many
pictures and videos; use e-mail to keep connections between
visits; just hang out; cook together; share special occasions,
create web albums—Be Creative.
- There are times when we didn't want to be with our siblings;
don't use those developmental phases as an excuse to stop
initiating these visits.
- Clarify what each sibling brings to each others' lives.
- Teach acceptance of difference. Practice it yourself.
- You may have a warm feeling for the children who your children
call siblings; this is natural since adoption is like a marriage,
and we do love those people who love our partners.
- Help children decide with whom and how to share their expanded
sibling ties.
In closing, make the time and nurture these precious relationships;
it won't diminish your children's lives, but will enhance them. Your
children will be grateful that you provided these opportunities for connections.
It shows them that you value who they are and those whom they hold as
important.
"What I Want the World
to Know About Adoption..."
Kids & Teens 6-18 years old, you're invited to enter our creative
art/writing contest. Help us celebrate National Adoption Month
and you could win an iPod, GameBoy or other great prize!
Then e-mail or snail-mail it to C.A.S.E. (postmarked by Nov. 15, 2007).
All postcards will displayed online and in our November e-newsletter.
Tell everyone you know to visit our web page and vote for their favorite!
If your entry receives the most votes, you could win an iPod,
a Gameboy or other cool prize.
Complete details and rules, a list of prizes and a blank postcard template
will be ready soon! Keep checking our website at
www.adoptionsupport.org .
Dive In and Help C.A.S.E. Reach Out to More Children and Families!
Please join us on Sunday, September 23 at C.A.S.E. Founder Kathleen
Dugan's home from 2-4 pm in Laurel, MD. Take advantage of the season's
last chance to kick off our shoes and enjoy some great
food, drinks and company while we work together to come up with
great ideas to ensure that C.A.S.E. reaches out to even more children
and families in our community! For details and directions email
C.A.S.E. Volunteer Coordinator Carol Rollinson at carol47del@verizon.net
ASK ELLEN
Is the W.I.S.E. Up! Program just for children?
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
When my 20-year-old daughter, Carrie, was nine, she participated in
what we now refer to as a Kids Adoption Network (KAN) group. While initially
reluctant to be in a group, she clearly enjoyed it and we found that
the group really helped to foster communication about adoption.
Carrie shared with me some of the comments and questions she received
about adoption from her friends and classmates. She had learned and role-played
the principles of the W.I.S.E. Up! Program in group. At that time, Carrie
agreed the tool was very helpful. When C.A.S.E. first published
the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook in 2000, Carrie was just shy of 13. I was
excited about the book and showed it to her. She denigrated it and
made jokes. "Oh, pulleeeaassee!" were her exact words. She
rolled her eyes in typical adolescent fashion.
On the day of her 13th birthday, Carrie, my husband and I were at our
synagogue in preparation for her upcoming Bat Mitzvah. During
a break in rehearsal, I found Carrie in the religious school office,
engaged in conversation with a teacher. All I heard was the word "daughter!" coming
from the teacher. As Carrie and I left the office, it was apparent
that she was visibly shaken and upset. Furious, Carrie recounted
for me her conversation with the teacher, who did not know that Carrie
was part of an adoptive family. Having never met me before, the teacher
had remarked that Carrie and I do not look alike, and told Carrie that
her daughter also looks very different from her. The teacher confided
that people often ask her if her daughter is adopted, which she told
Carrie is very upsetting to her. She went on to say that she responds
by saying, “How dare you suggest that she's adopted! She's NOT
adopted! She's MY daughter!”
As I tried to comfort Carrie, I empathized with her feelings and asked
her what she wanted to do, referring somewhat hesitantly, to W.I.S.E.
Up! (recalling her attitude). Without hesitation, Carrie said, “I choose
E! Let's educate her!” We returned to the school office to find the teacher.
Carrie initially said she would do the talking, but still quite upset,
asked me to. It felt quite appropriate for me to both take care of my
daughter on her birthday (a day already filled with complex emotions!)
and to model again what to say.
With as much calm and kindness as I could muster, I told the teacher
that Carrie and I both understood that we knew she certainly had not
meant to hurt Carrie's feelings. I went on to say, however, that in fact,
Carrie was adopted and that her comments were hurtful because of 1) the
overall negative view of adoption and 2) her implication that Carrie
is less authentically my daughter than is the teacher's biological daughter.
The teacher did apologize and expressed regret. We assured her that her
apology was accepted. Carrie appeared satisfied, and we all went on with
our business.
Carrie and I discussed the incident later that evening. She expressed
her hope that in our attempt to educate the teacher and sensitize her
to the feelings of adoptive families, we had spared other adopted children
in the religious school from being hurt in similar ways.
A few weeks later, Carrie happened to see the teacher again. To our
dismay, the teacher suggested to Carrie that perhaps my comments to her
were a result of being under stress related to the Bat Mitzvah. Carrie
felt angry, but was engaged in conversation with her friends and did
not want to “waste any more time on her.” So, she decided to ignore the
teacher and return to conversing with her friends. She hoped that I would
not be upset that she had not “defended” me. I assured Carrie that it
seemed “wise” to me to choose the W and ignore the teacher's comments
and Walk away.
The W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook may be intended for school-age children,
but EVERYBODY, including adults can benefit from the ideas behind W.I.S.E.
Up! --- 1) know your mood 2) identify your feelings – about the question/comment
3) think about who is asking the question/making the comment, and 4)
understand and learn the choices for responding.
Feeling empowered in a potentially hurtful situation is an important
life skill. W.I.S.E. Up! helps adopted children and teens, as well as
their families navigate the questions and comments of others.
