July 2005
In this issue
Sibling Bonds and Separations
Same Family/Different Stories
Parent Perspectives
Success!
Sibling Bonds
and Separations
Sibling relationships are potentially the longest relationship we will
ever have. Mental health professionals have recently placed more recognition
on their significance, and some even believe that they are more influential
than the relationships with our parents, spouses, or children! Certainly,
the ties between siblings can weather distance, aging, and disagreements,
and provide great support throughout our lives.
Children in foster care and those in adoptive families have some unique
challenges when it comes to siblings. Although adoptive families know
from experience that sibling bonds DO form regardless of biological connection,
our children may actually have biological siblings or half-siblings from
whom they were separated. As parents, we need to respect how our children
might feel about the siblings they cannot be with, and find ways to open
communication about their thoughts and feelings about siblings.
Out of sight, NOT out of mind!
Siblings separated through foster care or adoption may not have contact
with some of their brothers or sisters. However, if they do, those can
be wonderful bonds that are lifesavers for them, or, they can be difficult
and sad. Frequently, siblings do not get any choice in the matter.
Yet, professionals know how the loss of this bond through separation
can have potentially serious emotional lifelong consequences. Consequently,
in recent years, more effort has been made by professionals to keep siblings
together when they must enter foster care or are available for adoption,
both domestically and internationally.
Unfortunately, the sad reality remains that it is difficult to find
families willing to accept a sibling group. In the child welfare system,
siblings may be separated to increase the chances for adoption. In many
cases, only the younger children get adopted, while the adolescents remained
in foster homes. Teens feel intense sadness and resentment when they
are not permitted to see their younger siblings anymore.
Children may also be separated when the birth parents have not relinquished
all the children or the court has not removed all the children from a
family. Helping children cope with feelings about having siblings who
have remained with the birth family can be quite challenging. Contact
between siblings will, of course, depend on whether there is contact
between the birth parent and the placed child. Despite the awareness
of the importance of the sibling connections, social workers, foster
parents and adoptive parents with so much to juggle, often make visitation
between siblings a low priority.
In international adoption, prior to placement, siblings may already
be separated and living in different orphanages for any number of reasons,
including age. Sometimes adoptive parents who are planning to adopt only
one child at a time (especially those who want a very young child), may
only learn about an older sibling when in the country. Parents may not
be prepared to adopt the older sibling(s), who may have medical or emotional
difficulties they do not feel equipped to handle.
As in domestic adoption, children may also be separated from siblings
who have remained either living with the birth parents or other birth
family relatives. And, of course, different families may adopt siblings.
When adoptive parents know that siblings are living with other adoptive
parents, they usually want to connect with each other. Unfortunately,
many times parents only know that the sibling was adopted by another
family, with no other information available to them.
What do we say and do?
Adoptive parents often struggle with the question of when to tell their
children that they have siblings, whether or not the parents know of
their whereabouts. They worry that such knowledge will cause their children
much emotional distress. They fear that their children will want contact
with their siblings, and this may either not be possible or desired.
Parents naturally want to protect their children from emotional harm,
especially when the adoption story includes the fact that a sibling,
born before or after the adoptee, is still living with birth parents
or birth relative. That child may be more vulnerable to a common feeling
experienced by school-age adopted children in which they think that something
about themselves caused them to be placed for adoption.
Because there are so many factors to consider, when parents have questions
about the disclosure of information about anything they consider
to be difficult, it may be wise for parents to consult with
a professional. Generally, however, most experts feel that children do
best with age-appropriate, honest answers to questions about siblings,
which they often will ask by the time they reach pre-adolescence. Adoption
expert Holly van Gulden (Real Parents, Real Children, 1994)
feels that it is best for children to learn about sensitive information
before adolescence, which can be a tumultuous time for all kids, adopted
or not. Tanya, 10, adopted from Romania at three years old, knows she
has an older sister and one older brother. Her mother notes that she
thinks about them a lot, and wants badly to try to find them someday.
Letting her share her fantasies about them and validating her feelings
helps Tanya to learn how to cope with the pain of separation.
Some parents have the option of contact, and wonder how that relationship
should develop. Alyson, 15, adopted as an infant, was told that she had
an older biological brother living with her birth grandparents. At age
12 when she was struggling with feelings related to adoption, her mother
suggested she write to her biological brother. After a year of letters
and phone calls, they were able to meet each other. Alyson says this relationship
changed her life in so many wonderful ways. She delights in being able
to say that she has two brothers – her younger one who was also adopted
by her parents, and now her older one. Her older brother and grandparents
flew from California to attend her Bat Mitzvah two years ago. She couldn’t
be more proud of the family pictures taken at that time.
What about the children who have no information about siblings?
IIt is painful for parents to say and for children to hear, “I don’t
know.” Most parents will try everything possible to get as much information
as possible for their children. But sometimes the reality is just that it isn’t
possible. Because of China’s one child policy and no available information,
many children may speculate, and rightfully so, about the possibility that
they were the “second born” and have an older brother or sister.
Children in domestic or international adoption may also wonder if their parents
went on to have other children.
Susan LaVigna, an adult adoptee in her late 30’s, was raised as an only
child. As a child, she had been told that her birth parents were killed in
a car accident, so she never fantasized about siblings. To her great shock,
at the age of 30, she was found by a sister who is her full sibling. She also
learned that her birth mother was alive and that she had two half brothers.
In time, she connected with all of them, and today tells her tale with much
joy. Her new relationships also include her sister’s family (“they
are now MY family.”) Best of all, “I have a sister!!” she
exclaims. The word rolls off her tongue with a youthful sense of delight and
enthusiasm.
Honor the Connections
Just as adoptive parents honor the connections to birth parents, it
is important that all who touch the lives of children in foster care
and adoption give serious consideration to sibling relationships. Whether
the goal is to maintain a strong sibling connection, heal sibling relationships,
or foster new connections, these ties should not be broken.
by Ellen Singer, LCSW, The Center for Adoption Support and Education,
Inc.
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SAME FAMILY/ DIFFERENT STORIES
Families with more than one adopted child obviously have children with
different stories about how they became part of the family. There are
families who are comprised of both children who were born into the family
and children who joined the family by adoption (commonly referred to
today as “blended families.”) And of course, some families
may have children adopted through different adoption processes – combining
domestic and international, perhaps all international but from different
countries, public and private domestic adoption, etc. Even children who
are adopted through the same process, e.g. private domestic (agency or
independent adoptions) will certainly have their own unique story as
will children adopted internationally from the same country. Many adoptive
families are transracial families, but some of the children may be the
same race as the parents because of where and how they were adopted or
if they were born into the family. The level of difference creates both
enriching experiences and of course, some interesting challenges.
One of the most important challenges for parents usually relates to
their concerns about sibling relationships and each child’s perception
of his place in the family (“Was it better to have been born or
adopted into the family?” “Are we really sisters?” or “Does
Mom (or Dad) like you better because you are the same color as they are
and I am not?”). In addition, they may worry about the impact of
outsiders’ remarks about their family on their children.
Most parents hope for harmonious, close relationships between their
children, but realistically know that this may not always be the case.
If their own sibling relationships were less than satisfactory, they
may wish for something different for their own children, and if they
were fortunate to have very positive relationships with siblings growing
up, they may expect to replicate this in their own family. However, parents
cannot predict how the sibling relationships will turn out. Therefore
it is quite important for adoptive parents to understand that when there
is sibling friction or rivalry, it is not likely that the difference
in how each child joined the family is to blame. It is important for
parents to remember that sibling relationships are very complex – so
much is dependent on each child’s unique temperament and personality,
and thus, sibling relationships are not always easy to influence.
That being said, there are ways for parents to help to influence sibling
relationships in a positive direction.
1) Coping with comparisons
For adoptive parents with more than one child, the primary task is to
diminish any comparisons that might imply there is a difference in children’s
status or role in the family because of the way in which they joined
the family. For example, in blended families, parents need to be free
to express their positive feelings about giving birth as well as the
joy they have experienced regarding the adoption of another child. They
should not deny their feelings to try to protect children from the realities
of these differences. A family who was present at one child’s birth
(in domestic adoption) can be glad for that experience as well as the
excitement of flying to China to pick up their daughter. In both direct
and indirect ways, parents must repeatedly send the message to their
children that how each child came into the family, though different,
is not better or worse…and that each way was wonderful.
Unfortunately, despite this message, children may reach their own conclusions
about these differences and decide that their story was the preferred
way or not as good as their sibling’s. Obviously, the biological
child may think it’s better to have been born to the parents than
adopted, but he just might also think that his sibling’s adoption
story is so interesting and exciting that maybe adoption is better. When
adopted children compare their stories, they may decide that one is “better” than
the other - “He came home from the orphanage at 12 months, while
I was three years old - he came as a baby so Mom and Dad love him more.” “She’s
so lucky. She gets presents from her birth mother and gets to visit her,
and I don’t know my birth mother at all.”) In addition, one
child may have more information or “things” related to his
birth family than his sibling(s) (e.g. one child has a picture, another
doesn’t; one knows about both birth parents, another only about
his birth mother, etc.), which can potentially create feelings of jealousy
and confusion. (Sometimes families find that they can go back and find
that there may indeed be more information available from their agency,
etc. And, in adoptions where birth parents are accessible, parents may
be able to get more information as well.)
Sometimes parents try to minimize their children’s pain by denying
one child something in order to protect another. For example, they may
want to limit contact with one child’s birth parents when the possibility
of contact is not available for another child. This is a huge mistake.
Even the child without contact can benefit enormously from the contact
with his siblings’ birth parent despite the possible pain or jealousy
that may cause. In another example, a story heard recently by this author
is of an adoptive mother of two adult who never gave her first child
a blanket that had been knitted for him by his birth mother because she
had nothing similar to give to the second adopted child. It is far better
not to deprive one child of something meaningful and special, and instead
- to help the other child develop coping skills for disappointment, anger
or sadness.
Given these realities, it is important for parents to watch for signals
that their children may be struggling with feelings related to these
comparisons, and even more important, be aware that their children may
use this difference as a weapon against each other. Parents should certainly
make a family policy that differences are not to be used as a means to
hurt each other, but wise parents know that they cannot control what
goes on behind their backs. If parents do pick up on hurt feelings from
their child, they will certainly want to be ready to provide comfort
and reassurance to their child that what the child feels or has heard
from a sibling does not match the parents’ own attitude. It is
also important, however, never to discount the feelings of the child.
For example, a parent might say, “I know you wish you had been
with us when you were a baby, like your brother was, that you worry that
we might favor him because of that, but that’s not at all how Dad
and I feel. However, I can understand how you might feel this way.” This
statement provides reassurance, validation of feelings and leaves the
door open for a child to express more feelings, possibly other ones related
to her adoption.
Regardless of the order in which children entered the family, it is
important for them to have a clear understanding of the reasons for the
family’s decision to adopt each child who was adopted. As Holly
van Gulden points out in Real Parents, Real Children, it is important
for children to believe the parents’ motivation was based on love
for a child, not a cause or some need the child would fulfill. Adopted
children do not want to grow up believing that they were, in effect,
a project for the parents. In bio/adopt families, if a child was adopted
first into the family, they may also think they are no longer needed
when the parents become pregnant. Birth children may think their parents
adopted because they were not the right gender (or race). These thoughts
may seem absurd or irrational to adoptive parents, but they may make
perfect sense to their children. With this realization, parents can proactively
make statements to help defuse the power of these musings.
(2) Promoting children’s individual strengths
A good way to ensure that children feel equally valued is to be clear
about the unique and special characteristics each child brings to the
family. As parents, we may connect to each of our children for different
reasons, and sometimes we may find it easier to connect better to one
child than to another. (As stated, siblings too may connect for reasons
having nothing to do with how they joined the family.) When children
accept a shared family culture that is based on similarities and differences
valued by everyone, they are more able to weather any doubts about their
connections to their parents. For example, an adopted child who is athletic
in a family that is more oriented toward academic ability can honor the
uniqueness of that child’s special talent and recognize that this
talent is most likely a gift from the child’s birth parents.
(3) Providing children with individual attention
While obvious, it is not always easy for parents to provide each child
in the family with quality individual time. Different amounts of attention
may be based more on the child’s particular needs (a child with
learning disabilities may require more help with homework) or stage of
development – (a younger child who require more help with self-care.)
Children may choose to perceive these differences incorrectly, and despite
reasonable explanations, may still worry if the attention differences
are based on favoritism related to the way the child joined the family.
Given this reality, parents do need to be aware of their child’s
feelings and acknowledge them. Of course, children may also try to use
this difference as a way to hook parents into paying attention to them
or obtaining certain privileges– by charging that they are being
treated unequally (“You let him go to the mall with his friends,
why can’t I?”) Parents need to know that they must see this
for what it is and not overreact when children try to use adoption as
a hook (“You aren’t my real mother!” or “You
love him more because he’s white like you, he is (or isn’t
adopted, etc!”)
Children may wonder if the way they joined the family affects how extended
family members feel about them as well. Hopefully, grandparents, aunts
and uncles, etc. will send the message that connections are based on
being family – on personality, sharing common interests, etc. and
not on being biologically related, being the same race, bonding in infancy,
etc. They, too, must be encouraged to find ways to connect with all of
the children in the family. Many parents may be surprised to find that
relatives will easily be able to accomplish this task.
“Are they really brother and sister?”
It is hard enough for adoptive parents to respond calmly to these kinds
of questions, and most parents do not want their children to be hurt
by these or other adoption-related questions and comments. Children need
to see their parents model the answer to this question which is “Yes.” Parents
can also help prepare their children to anticipate and rehearse responses
to other questions. C.A.S.E.’s W.I.S.E. Up! program and Powerbook
were developed for this purpose. (See Resources).
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Parent Perspectives
-by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
“How do I explain to my child that fact that he/she has
a sibling (older, younger) living with his /her birth family? When is
the right time to share this kind of information with my child?
This particular question is often of great concern to adoptive parents,
who fear that their child will be “doubly” hurt, feel especially “rejected” or
terribly confused by the knowledge that 1) the birth parents were either
able to raise a child before their child was born, 2) chose to parent
sibling and not the adopted child, or 3) went on sometime after placement
to have additional children and are parenting them.
In any case, two points are important: a) Parents convey the message
that the circumstances regarding placement had to do with the birth parents’ situation
and were no about the child, and b) Parents frame the truth in a sensitive,
age-appropriate way, e.g., “As a single mother, your birth mother
felt that she had the ability to take care of and financially provide
for one child, but felt that she could no give another child what she
wanted you to have.” Or, “Your birth parents felt that they
were too young and not ready to be parents at the time you were born,
but when they are older, they felt ready to parent a child, and that
is your sibling.”
If known, some parent’s may share the information about a sibling
right from the beginning as part of their child’s adoption story.
Others decide to wait until the child asks about siblings. The timing
of this sharing depends a great deal on the particular circumstances
of the story. In any event, it is recommended by many adoption experts,
including Holly van Gulden, author of Real Parents, Real Children that
parents share all information about their chills adoption story prior
to adolescence, giving children a chance to reflect on feelings and issues
at a less emotionally volatile stage.
Whatever the reasons or explanation, even when explained with great
sensitivity, it is always important for parents to know that their child
may indeed struggle with a variety of difficult feelings in response
to these conversations. Hurt, sadness, anger, confusion are not unlikely.
Although we cannot “fix” those feelings, we can be there
to acknowledge them and provide comfort and support. In so doing, we
continue the process of helping our children develop the necessary skills
to cope with the sometimes difficult and painful aspects of being adopted.
by Ellen Singer, LCSW, The Center for Adoption Support and Education,
Inc.
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Success!
We have three children who were adopted from South Korea and the Philippines.
As they have grown (they are now all teenagers), we have had conversations
about what we know about their birth families and the circumstances that
surround their birth and subsequent adoptions. Foremost in our minds
has been our belief that this information is their information, and is
important to them as they journey through life.
As parents, reminding ourselves that this is not about us as parents
as much as it is about our children has been helpful. The older the children
get, the more I realize how important it is, and how those of us who
have the benefit of knowing our personal histories so often take that
for granted, not realizing how much a part of us this information is.
One of the challenges in addressing this topic with our children is
that we have differing amounts of information for each of them. For one
of our children, we have a great deal of information as well as a recent
connection to people who knew her from birth. For the other two, we have
limited information with little hope of ever learning more, and some
of the information we have is difficult. Add the jealousy that is natural
in a situation like this one to the sibling issues that occur in all
families, adoptive or not, and the situation is made more difficult.
When we discuss the information we have for one child, it raises identity
issues for all three children. The two with little information revisit
their own feelings about being adopted, and while they may be happy for
the sibling that has a new piece of information they feel sadness and
grief as well. We have tried to normalize this as much as possible--by
acknowledging their feelings and listening to them, reassuring them that
when they are old enough and want to search, we will help them although
the reality is that we may not acquire anything new, and by getting support
from an adoption professional when it seems that we need it.
At the same time, the child with the information has conflicting feelings,
and needs help in processing what it all means. We have also found that
our children's understanding of the same information changes at different
ages so that we revisit it in different ways at different times. . We
work through sibling relationship issues by reiterating what we always
have said--that feelings are normal, even the "negative" ones;
at the same time, we are a family and treating others in the family poorly
is unacceptable. Generally speaking, this has been helpful for our family.
We have made certain to have frequent contact with other adoptive families,
and to be an active part of culture camps and other activities that help
our family connect to our children's heritages. Doing this definitely
becomes more challenging as the children become teens, but we have continued
to work to make these connections an integral part of our family life.
The issue is more than culture, however. It encompasses knowing your
own personal history as well as your birth culture. When we began building
our family through adoption, we did not realize how powerful this connection
to one's personal history would be. We hope that by being open to our
children, seeking help from adoption professionals, reading as much as
possible and staying connected to other adoptive families that we can
support our children as they continue their adoption journeys.
Paddy Gordon
Adoptive Mother
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