June 2005
In this issue
Teens Often Fear Leaving Home
Here’s Your Opportunity!
Take Time to Talk!
Parent Perspectives
Success!
Teens Often Fear Leaving Home
It’s finally summertime and the living is easy…or not.
For many families with teens, the living isn’t easy because the “leaving” isn’t
easy. One of the major tasks of adolescence is the need to master the
psychological separation from parents. It is an ongoing process and life
transition that ultimately culminates in the teen’s physical separation
and actual “leaving home” whether to attend college, or live
independently for other pursuits. All families experience some degree
of tension related to this process – typically our culture reflects
the difficulty parents have letting go…there’s the television
advertisement for cell phones in which the parents are in the car saying
good-bye to their teen who is beginning college – the teen leaves,
turns around to see the car hasn’t left…the message of course,
is how hard it is for the parents to let go.
While adoptive parents may certainly experience ambivalence about seeing
their children growing up in preparation to leave the nest, it is often
the adopted adolescent who may have difficulty with separation because
of unique feelings related to adoption. The ad where the parents seemingly
can’t wait to renovate their child’s room/house/garage as
soon as the child leaves may not be all that humorous to adopted teens.
Debbie Riley in her recently published book, Beneath the Mask:Understanding
Adopted Teens discusses the special challenges faced by adopted teens
around separation and leaving home. The following is an excerpt from
her book….
Like all children, adopted children need and want to know that they
are loved and that the love is forever. However, adoptive parents may
need to be encouraged to reinforce the issue of permanency more often.
It may seem a little confusing to parents to do this when they are striving
to help their teen leave the nest. Reassure them that it only appears
to be a paradox. It is always easier to launch a daring adventure from
a secure base.
Parenting adopted teens who are moving toward emancipation, leaving
home for college, work, or other opportunities, presents some unique
challenges. Often in late adolescence, the teen begins to ponder the
longevity of the parent-child relationship and to think that because
the adults have almost completed their job of raising them to young adulthood
the relationship will soon come to an end. It is the responsibility of
the parents to prepare the launching pad without creating fears of abandonment.
We ran a support group that helped parents to more fully understand the
underpinnings of separation and how the adopted teen may be especially
vulnerable to separations of any kind. Listen to a few of the parents’ observations.
Sam’s mother was getting exasperated. She didn’t understand
her son. “I can’t believe that I still have to tell Sam that
I will be home at a certain time. He is almost eighteen years old and
he seems to think one day I am just going to leave and never come home.
I read about adopted kids worrying about losing yet another parent, but
come on now, he should know after eighteen years I am not going anywhere.”
Lynn’s mom was also incredulous. “We were sitting one Sunday
morning reading the paper and talking about how much fun it would be
to have a place in the mountains. Lynn, age fifteen, came down the stairs
and apparently had been listening to our conversation. As she approached
us she had tears streaming down her face. She said, ‘I knew you
would leave me one day.’
“Leave her? Come on! We were just fantasizing about our dream
retirement home! Where in the world would she come up with the idea that
we would leave her?”
Another parent volunteered, “Three weeks before college applications
were due, I walked into my daughter’s room and she was sit-ting
on her floor with papers strewn all over. She looked up at me and said, ‘I
can’t do this.’ I said, ‘Do what?’ She said, ‘Go
away. I don’t want to leave you.’ And then she started to
cry. I did not know what to do. I felt so helpless. I was so surprised
by my daughter. Everything was going along so smoothly.”
Another father spoke up. “Our daughter has expressed negative
feelings about her birth mother from time to time but mainly in the context
of, ‘How could she do that to me — abandon me like that?’ A
few months ago, she couldn’t locate us. She tried calling all of
our various phone numbers and she left messages. When we picked up one
of her messages, we called her. She scolded us for not being available.
She said, ‘You know I have issues with abandonment.’”
Educating parents of teens about these dynamics can often pre-vent late
adolescents from making some poor decisions that could have a negative
impact on their future. Adoptive parents who are sensitive to these issues
surfacing can open dialogue with their adolescent to affirm that they
will always be their parents — no matter what. The wonderful children’s
book written by Robert Munsch begins with a mother holding her new baby
singing these words:
I’ll love you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be.
Munsch depicts beautifully the permanency of a mother’s love for,
her child. At the end of the story the mother is very sick and frail,
and the son goes to his mother, picks her up, and sings: I’ll love
you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My mommy you’ll be.
Excerpted from “Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens” written
by Debbie B. Riley, M.S. and John Meeks, M.D. Debbie Riley is the Executive
Director of The Center for Adoption Support & Education, Inc.
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Here’s Your Opportunity! Take Time to Talk!
School is over and for many of us, the long days of summer promise
relaxed schedules, lazy weekends and miraculously, some extra
TIME. We all know how important it is to help children with
the normal questions they have about being adopted. Why not
target July and August to find ways for bringing those feelings
into the open? Ordinary family conversations are a great place to start.
Another possibility is to create activities that lead to opening communication
about being an adoptive family. Here are a few suggestions:
- Bring out photos of the first days with your child and retell her
adoption story.
- Do something with your kids that you loved to do during the summertime
and tell them stories about your childhood. Pass on family
traditions.
- Help your kids connect to their early history by writing letters
and sending photos to people who were part of their lives before they
entered yours: foster parents, foster siblings, orphanage directors,
social workers, etc.
- Build stronger connections to their generation of extended family
members by visiting or contacting cousins.
- Go beyond tourist parenting and find a way to understand your child’s
heritage. Check out resources at the library and activities in the Washington-Baltimore
area that you don’t normally have time to attend. If your child
was born in the U.S, learn more about the area of the country
where they were born.
- Help your child or teen practice the W.I.S.E. Up! Program and assist
him in finding ways to use it in the more relaxed environment
of camp or neighborhood. Call C.A.S.E. if you need some pointers!
- Read a book together (or at the same time) that involves foster care
or adoption in some way (see suggestions below). Talk about
the characters and stories, and give your kid plenty of time to share
his thoughts and feelings about the book. (Think of how much harder
it might be for your child or teen to read the book on their own!)
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Parent Perspectives
-by Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
Theme: How do we find the right therapist?
“I’m worried about my son. He seems so different than he
was last year. He’s always had some trouble with his temper, but
now he seems to be angry all of the time. He is hanging out with a group
of kids that I don’t like very much, but he claims they are more
like him than the friends he had last year. Is this typical
teen-age stuff?”
I am addressing this question because C.A.S.E. is frequently asked by
parents for guidance on finding the “right” professional
for their children. Parents often struggle with whether issues are adoption
related or not, and are often confused about where to turn for help.
When it comes to counseling, parents have made the decision to seek
services after considerable thought. However, they often have questions.
In addition to wondering about how long they can expect to be involved
in counseling, what the cost will be, and how their child will respond,
the most important question is: How do we find the right therapist? Can
they help our child and family?
It’s an important concern. The right therapist at the right time
has the potential to have a positive influence for years to come.
The “right therapist” is obviously someone who has the expertise
to correctly identify the particular difficulties facing the child, as
well as the expertise to handle them. Therapists often develop specialties
in addition to their general training and will clarify this at the time
of contact.
The clinical staff at C.A.S.E. is similar to other therapists in this
respect. Our staff is comprised of social workers, marriage
and family therapists, and other mental health professionals
with extensive training and experience. Dr. John Meeks is the
psychiatric consultant to the staff. Each of the therapists affiliated
with C.A.S.E. has chosen to develop specialized knowledge in the area
of adoption.
Our seasoned professionals have worked with thousands of children and
families during their careers, including both families built by birth
and those build through adoption. They have expertise in school difficulties,
behavior problems, adolescence, eating disorders, parenting concerns,
and a wide range of mild to severe social/emotional concerns.
Having expertise in treating a wide range of emotional and behavioral
issues which may arise because of early life experiences or adoption,
equips C.A.S.E. therapists with the important ability to accurately and
effectively assess if and how adoption issues are
in any way related to the difficulties a child or teen is experiencing. The conclusion may
be that, in fact, adoption has little to do with the issue at hand. The
benefits of having a therapist who has expertise in adoption means that
adoption can always be considered as a possible issue.
At C.A.S.E., we are well aware of how difficult it can be to make the
initial call to a therapist. The first appointment is always an opportunity
for both the therapist and the family to explore if there will be a good
match. Parents are guided to determine how we can be of help and what
the family can expect from counseling. We can also assist with appropriate
referrals when indicated. Parents ask about educational specialists,
physicians, occupational therapists, and mentors. We are happy to help,
and have developed an excellent network to assist in the search
If you would like further information about our counseling services,
please call Madeleine Krebs, LCSW-C, clinical coordinator.
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Success!
Raising Teens
We are pleased to include this article by Rick and Susan Troxel, adoptive
parents of two young adults, who have agreed to share with us
the strong message that the teen years are well worth the efforts they
require! Their immense pride in their children is partially based on
how well they weathered the challenges of adolescence.
As our children approached adolescence, their quests for self-identity
took on added complexity as adoption issues wove their way in and around
the usual inner chaos. At the same time, I found myself posing sensitive
question inwardly: Had we raised them right? Had we been successful in
forming them into good, caring, capable adults? Would they make us proud
in the end or embarrass us?
I think that as adoptive parents, we often bring an extra layer of self-questioning
to the already tricky business of parenting adolescents, as we struggle
with our own issues of entitlement, separation, loss and recognizing
fully the emerging individuality of our kids who, after all, may be quite
different from us not only in looks or personality, but also in life
choices.
Honoring their individuality while at the same time limiting their excesses
and preserving the bonds between us proved to be an extraordinary challenge
and in the end a deeply rewarding one. Between the two of them, our teenagers
went through an array of challenging behavior. All along the way, we
worked closely with Debbie Riley of C.A.S.E, whose wisdom, guidance and
particular knowledge of and sensitivity to the needs of adopted adolescents
were crucial to our family’s survival. With this specialized support,
not only did we negotiate the crises without losing our minds or our
kids, but we emerged as a family whose turbulent history forged unique
bonds of commitment, strength and love.
The major theme which comes to mind for these past few years is "letting
go."
Our daughter, now 22, is divorced, going to college full-time and working
full-time, supporting herself with occasional help. Her goal is to attend
law school. She remains a bright, perceptive, capable, strong-willed
young adult who does not like to relinquish control of anything. I love
to be with her when the opportunities come, but I don't demand her attention.
I try to listen a lot when she wants to talk; I don't tell her what to
do. I understand that I am not responsible for her happiness, but that
I will love and cherish her as she goes through the trials and storms
of life. We are such different people, yet we care for and respect each
other greatly.
Our son, now 21 who has battled severe bipolar disorder and learning
disabilities for many years, has much to be proud of. He graduated from
high school, continued with his anger management training until he became
a paid assistant to the teacher, and completed an independent living
skills training program through DORS. We arrived at a significant turning
point a few months ago when, due to his refusal to follow the house rules,
we required him to leave our home. As a result, he has been able to establish
himself in an independent living situation and is thriving. He has been
able to sustain a relationship with a very nice young lady for an entire
year. It is so refreshing to live separately, as I no longer obsess about
his mood swings or whether he's going to come home. We do give him help
and support in setting up appointments, keeping his meds in order, etc.,
and we can enjoy each other's company freely, without feeling chained
to each other. I know this is a healthy for him as it is for us!
My husband and I are both deeply involved in our work, our spiritual
lives, exercise and the people we love. Having much more time to be together
and enjoy each other's company is a wonderful gift.
We still keep in touch with Debbie Riley at CASE and feel free to return
for help as needed. I continue to feel that, without the specialized
help we received, our family would probably not have been able to stay
together.
Lastly, after dealing with so many challenges with our kids (anger,
running away, vandalism, drug experimentation, suicidality, violence,
cutting, school suspensions, etc.), I understand that I became a better
parent, and a better person, as the result of those challenges. I am
left with a sense of awe and meaning as I contemplate all we have come
through. We look to our children's futures with cheerful optimism.
- Our advice to other adoptive parents whose kids are approaching adolescence?
- Prepare for the possibility of a rocky road;
- Realize that our kids struggle deeply to integrate the pieces of
themselves and come out whole;
- Get specialized help and support; and
- Stay the course. There is nothing more worthwhile we can do.
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