CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - December 2006

In this issue

ASK ELLEN
By Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education

DEAR ELLEN,

This will be our newly adopted 10 year old daughter's first holiday season with us. It means so much to us and we are excited to share all of the fun and traditions we look forward to every year at this time. It seems to us, however, that since Thanksgiving, she has become increasingly out of sorts - cranky, irritable and just not herself. We want this to be her best Christmas ever - what can we do?

Holiday time is usually a time of heightened emotions/stress for most people, adults and children alike. Parents go into "auto-pilot", busily involved in all the preparations involved - gift purchasing, house decoration, menu planning, travel arrangements, etc. The holiday season also triggers memories for everybody of holidays past - and these memories may be either positive, negative or a mix of both. For older adopted children who have lived with birth families, foster families, in orphanages - their memories of holidays past may remind them of unhappy, lonely, challenging times. A CASE therapist asked one 10 year old if she recalled any "happy" Christmases. She responded with a heartbreaking, "Not one."

Holiday time is filled with images of happy gatherings of family and extended family. Adults will reminisce about loved ones who are no longer at the table. For adopted children, holiday time can be a reminder of people they have lost, people they miss. It can trigger strong feelings of grief - for birth parents, grandparents and other extended relatives, foster parents, and other caregivers. It can be especially painful for children separated by adoption from siblings. Children from orphanages may miss their orphanage mates. Children may worry about their birth parents during this time. One little boy wondered if his birth mother would have a happy Christmas. Who would buy her gifts? He needed help not to feel guilty about the happiness he was experiencing.

Parents can help ease the pain their children may be experiencing at this time by first preparing themselves to adjust their expectations of how their children should feel and behave during this time. With this awareness, they can validate their children's feelings by communicating that it is perfectly all right and understandable to have mixed emotions at this time. A parent might say, "I imagine you may be thinking about your birth parents." While this may bring up pain, parents can ask their children to share their memories with them, including how they celebrated the holidays in the past.

Children can be given choices about incorporating some of their positive experiences into the present. One family included foods on their holiday menu that the children had eaten at holiday time with their birth family and with two previous foster families. Another family decorated the house with blinking blue lights instead of their usual clear ones. Some families use rituals to acknowledge the important people from their children's past. They may say a prayer for the birth family, or light a special candle. They may hang a special ornament on the tree. They can encourage their children to write a letter or draw a picture - maybe to be put in safekeeping for a future time when contact is possible. Including children's wishes for celebration as well as honoring their loved ones from their pasts goes a long way in helping bring everyone in the family closer together.