June 2006
In this issue
I Don’t
Care If He Goes to Harvard, but…
Single Parent Adoptive Families
Success Stories
I
Don’t Care If He Goes to Harvard, but…
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C and Marilyn Schoettle, M.A.
Everyone who decides to embark on the journey of parenthood goes down
the road with fantasies of what parenthood will be like, and more importantly,
dreams about what their child will become as he grows up. Will she love
soccer like I do? Will he excel at science? Will we have wonderful summer
vacations at the beach, like we did when I was a kid?
As adoptive parents, we have the same dreams that all parents have,
although we usually embark on our trip to parenthood with less information
about the biological road maps of our children. Although many of our
friends find that their children by birth are surprisingly different
than they expected them to be, it is true that we take a fork in the
road when it comes to perceived certainty about the future. Whether we
adopt because of infertility or not, we are told we must set aside our “fantasy
child” in order to be emotionally prepared to love and attach to
one who brings her own set of genes, family history, and talents. Logic
tells us that she may look and be different from what we hoped our biological
child would be like.
Many adoptive parents find this inability to predict actually frees
them from the pressure of producing a Gap baby who will star in the spelling
bee. They look forward to learning about their child and what special
traits he will contribute to the family. For example, a child who is
discovered to be artistically talented in a family where no such gift
exists, is a pleasing, wonderful surprise.
But what happens when the surprises are considered negative or undesirable,
or the child’s personality seems mismatched for the adoptive family?
What if the child’s accomplishments are disappointing? Does adoption
complicate how parents handle their expectations, dreams, or plans…especially
when they are not going to be realized?
Expectations and the Idealized Child
I
wonder if this
whole adoption thing was a massive mistake. I think I’ve ruined
my life. I wonder if I’m
trying to make good out of bad genes. I think about returning
him. I wonder if my birth child would have thrown spaghetti
at me. (Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother.)
The truth is, no kids—adopted, foster, birth, or step –ever
really meet any parent’s ideal, and all parents experience some
disappointment in their children. Adoptive parents may have an especially
hard time with the loss of the fantasy child because it is easy to assume
the fantasy would have been realized in the biological child. By observing
families created by birth, it is possible to see this probably would
not have happened.
The loss of the idealized child becomes a problem for ALL parents,
notes Elinor Rosenberg, author of The Adoption Life Cycle, if that child
is not recognized and is “unconsciously imposed on the existing
child – adopted or biological –who can never be seen and
appreciated for who he or she is. Under these circumstances, parents
live in a state of constant disappointment, and children, sensing their
disappointment, feel they are not the person they are supposed to be,
thus fostering feelings of inferiority.”
While adoptive parents may face disappointment, as all parents do,
many of us worry that admitting it will mean we are rejecting our children.
Just about the last thing adoptive parents want to do is to appear to
be pushing their children away.
Plans and dreams for our children can also become a problem if they
are just making up for what we missed. That scenario can be so problematical
that Carl Jung once said, ‘The worst thing that can happen to children
is the unlived lives of the parents.”
Expectations and the Idealized Family
Sam is jumping
about in the pool’s locker room, finding dozens
of reasons why his mother should not be permitted to put on his clothes
after swimming. Exhausted after trying three separate and innovate forms
of bribery and meeting only failure, his mother looks at the ceiling
and exclaims loudly, “Good Heavens! Why did I decide to have this
child?!!”
Now imagine the implications of hearing an adoptive parent, in the
same situation, cry out, “Good Heavens! Why did I decide to ADOPT
this child?” Most of us would never say anything like that out
loud.
Yet, it is normal for parents to feel ambivalent about children. All
parents struggle with the notion that they should love their children
unconditionally and that mothers in particular should love their children
all of the time. In The Mothering Dance, Harriet Lerner notes that parents, “must
accept the obvious: that when it comes to love, the other person’s
behavior always matters, even when that person is an infant or small
child.” It’s very typical for children to do things we wish
they wouldn’t, and that influences our feelings, just as they are
influenced by things they wish we wouldn’t do.
For some adoptive parents, it is especially hard to acknowledge normal
ambivalence about their children. Most of us do not feel we have the
luxury to be uncertain about them. We worked hard to adopt them, sometimes
needing to convince family and friends that it was the right thing to
do. We do not want to hear, “I told you so. Adoptive families are
different.”
There are times when it seems the rest of the world is looking to confirm
the suspicion that adoptive bonds are weaker, our children “second
best”. It’s a nuisance that needs to be dealt with, particularly
because we must model for our children how to handle this extra challenge,
as they will also face it from time to time. Ironically, the pressures
felt by some adoptive parents because of society’s expectations
of what a family should be are not unlike the pressures we place on our
children by holding onto preconceived notions of what they should be
like.
Because ambivalence is normal and it helps to express it, adoptive
parents often enjoy sharing these thought only with a group of friends
who also adopted their children. The chances are higher that they will
be able to understand our concerns with out questioning our commitment
and love for our children. Friends who are not adoptive parents and know
us well are also more likely to hear us out without thinking adoption
is the cause of our ambivalence because they can acknowledge their own.
Although most of these feelings are quite normal, they can become dangerous
if parents blame their disappointments and frustrations on the fact that
the children are adopted. This scapegoating can create breaks in family
bonds by separating or disowning the child (and his problems). Professional
guidance can help to prevent this situation.
Children’s Expectations
I think I was adopted because I was an ugly baby. I must not be as good
as the kids whose parents kept them.
It is not unusual for children who were adopted to use their own age
appropriate, but limited, logic to understand their adoption story. They
may expect or fear that their adoptive parents will “give them
away” as well. Sometimes their expectations impact ours. It is
well known that school-age children may exhibit testing behavior in order
to see if they can elicit rejection from their adoptive parents or others
because they imagine their negative behavior may have been the reason
their birth parents placed them for adoption. Rosenberg describes it
this way: “The child asking, ‘Will you still keep me, even
when you can’t stand me?’ This prompts the parents to ask
themselves the same question.” Sometimes it causes parents to revisit
the fantasy child again.
If we recognize our expectations and how they affect our children,
we can work to put them in perspective. We can choose to handle our ambivalence
in ways that affirm our love for our kids. One of the unique challenges
of adoptive parenting is to understand that our expectations exist side-by-side
with those of our children, whose dreams and worries about the future
are affected by adoption and their need to come to terms with what might
have been. Success lies in shaping our family’s future together,
drawing the map of our journey as we go.
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Single Parent Adoptive Families
“All of the supposed research about how children in single families
fare so poorly used to seriously annoy me,” says, Betty, single
adoptive mother of a ten year old girl and thirteen year old boy adopted
domestically. “I know I am doing a fabulous job and my kids are
great.” Betty’s sentiments echo that of most single adoptive
parents.
Some single adoptive parents originally thought they’d parent
someday with a partner, and subsequently made the sometimes difficult
decision to go it alone, rather than continue to wait for Mr. or Ms.
Right. They have had to embrace the many obvious challenges with single
parenthood, but also have come to appreciate the many less obvious beneficial
aspects of single parenting. “I am a person with strong opinions
and convictions,” says Doug, single father of Ben, 7, adopted from
foster care. I see how my couple friends have to constantly negotiate
their different parenting styles, and I appreciate the fact that I have
the freedom to make my own decisions. There is no confusion for Ben over
this. There’s no, well, maybe I can manipulate Mom/Dad to get what
I want.” Doug also feels that for Ben, having faced many changes
and traumas in his early past, being able to give Ben a great deal of
attention is just what he needs. While Doug dates women, he feels there
will be time in the future for relationships, and is happy now to have
the time to concentrate on Ben’s needs.
The downside – “You’re always on, 24/7”, says
Betty. I was so sleep deprived when the kids were little, I needed coffee
intravenously!” Single parents need to develop a good support network
of people – relatives, friends, neighbors, child care providers,
babysitters -- that can help to give them much needed respite, but also
to talk to about the ups and downs of parenting. In addition to needing
a break, all parents need to share their “stories” – and
even more important, their worries -- with other parents (especially
other single parents, and adoptive parents – single or not) who
understand and who can validate what they are going through and give
helpful advice.
While it is wonderful to be able to enjoy close relationships with
their children, many single parents must also watch out for the easy
mistake of not maintaining appropriate psychological/emotional boundaries
with their children. It’s OK to tell your child you had a bad day
at work, but it’s another thing to give the kind of details that
may risk burdening your child with your adult problems. Without a partner
to process personal worries or concerns, especially financial, a single
parent can include their child in decision making matters where they
don’t belong. Elevating children in this way is not only inappropriate
and emotionally burdensome, but can also be very confusing when the parent
needs to exert appropriate parental authority in matters of setting limits,
adhering to rules and discipline. “A child can’t be your
friend and confidante and then be expected to understand that a family
cannot always function as a democracy,” says Madeleine Krebs, Clinical
Coordinator at CASE.
With regard to challenges for the children, many single adopters say
that their children do appear to often struggle more with not having
a Mom or Dad than about being adopted. Their adoption story is often
confusing to them because they have a birthmother or birth father – but
no mom or dad. It is very important for parents to allow their children
to express their wish for a Mom/Dad, including their fantasies of what
that would be like, without feeling defensive. A parent can validate
their family structure and say, “I understand that you wish you
had a mom/dad. There are many different kinds of families – some
have a mom and a dad, some have two moms/two dads, some have one child,
etc., etc. Our family has a Mom/Dad and_________.and we are a great family.
Of course, it is important for children to have meaningful relationships/positive
role models with both males and females, and in the absence of a mother
or father, most single parents work to establish those relationships
for their children either with relatives (aunts, uncles) or close family
friends.
As with all adoptive families, it is wonderful if children can grow
up knowing other families like theirs. There are several single parent
support groups and single adoptive parent groups which hold social activities
for families. Many other adoptive parent organizations certainly welcome
single families -- whether domestic or international, they are also an
important resource for single parent adoptive families.
RESOURCES
National Adoption Information Clearinghouse www.naic.acf.hhs.gov
Single Mothers By Choice www.mattes.home.pipeline.com
www.encyclopedia.adoption.co
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Success Stories
“At the age of 42, I decided that I was no longer taking applications
for the Soul Mate position. With or without a partner, it felt like the
right time to be what I had always wanted—a mom. Besides, I was
tired of borrowing other people’s children. After 15 years of thinking
about it, it was time to take the plunge, so I jumped into the Adoption
World.
My son came to live with me in foster care at age 4 and his adoption
was final when he was 6 ½, in the same month as 9/11. Ironically,
he inspired hope in me. Of course, my life is now radically changed and
it is a completely new world. I have discovered new social networks and
have many wonderful friends that I would not have met had it not been
for being a mom. Plus, it really is true: life is richer experiencing
it through a child’s eyes.
When I asked my son what is the best thing about having a single mom,
he said, “Your parents don’t argue.” What a brilliant
insight! (Did I say that he also is a genius?) Although it would be nice
to have some back-up when my son and I argue, I am happy for him that
he does not witness ugliness by the adults who love him most. When asked
what the worst thing is about having a single mom, he said, “There
is not as much money.” Yeah, right. There is that. Another income
in our household might mean that our kitchen remodel would happen before
the turn of the next century and our house would no longer be in first
place in The Ugly Kitchen Contest.
I don’t have the luxury of a large, supportive family. My parents
are deceased and I am not close to other family members due to geography
or sentiment. As I began the adoption process, my only sibling in the
area declared, “I don’t believe in single parents.” Gee…I
hadn’t realized that having a partner was a religion. At holidays
and special occasions, my son does not have grandparents, aunts/uncles,
and cousins to smother him in bear hugs and slobber him in kisses. Instead,
we have the Fun Family and at its core are three single moms—a
widow, a divorcee, and me, eternally single. Two families are interracial
and one family has a child who is deaf. Around this core are other families
that are multiracial, “traditional” (whatever that means),
and some with members who are deaf, as well as families with gay parents.
My son is living diversity—one of many experiences that
I hope prepares him for the future.
We are blessed with a supportive “village” of friends, school,
church, CASE (especially CASE!), and neighborhood. Positive role models,
people who have helped to normalize adoption, and who have embraced him
in a circle of love, have surrounded my son. When he was six, I realized
that half of the children in his Sunday school class were adopted. His
school is majority minority from all kinds of backgrounds. For three
summers, he attended day camp at Gallaudet University where he learned
about the deaf world and culture, as well as some American Sign Language.
You could say it was an “immersion program”. He has also
learned that the Village has many ears, as Mom will hear about missteps
on the playground, at school, or down the street.
I’ve also found that a great deal is sinking into his consciousness
and he is growing in compassion. We were thinking about someone that
we could invite to come with us to a CASE activity and he suggested inviting
the little girl (age 8) who just found out that she’s adopted.
Wow, and I thought he wasn’t paying attention!
What’s the best thing about being a single, adoptive parent? Independence!
I determine the house rules, make the big & small decisions, coordinate
the social agenda, dole out chores, and oversee homework. It is an exhausting
job to perform alone, but I’m also the sole beneficiary of much
love, hugs and laughter. What in life can be better than snuggling with
a child who says, “I love you, Mom” or “You’re
the best mom in the world”?
What’s the worst thing about being a single adoptive parent? I
agree with my son that one of the worst things about a family with one
parent is the financial challenge. Our home will never be on the cover
of a remodeling magazine and we might not be able to tour Europe in the
next 20 years. It also would be nice to have an occasional “relief
pitcher” for homework. But, by myself, I have a clear focus on
my child without worrying about a mate’s emotional needs or wants.
In our case, it’s probably better that the Soul Mate position has
remained unfilled, since there is so much other fulfillment at arms reach,
not to mention all those hugs!
Linda Shafer
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