May 2006

In this issue

Temperament-Based Parenting Strategies
Jewish Adoptive Families
Parent Perspectives – Talking About Adoption: How often & how much?
Success Stories

Temperament-Based Parenting Strategies

Amy was frustrated with her six year old son who every morning dawdled when getting ready for school, making him late more days than not . She said, “I have read many books about parenting adopted children, but I don’t think this is about adoption,” she laughed . “I just don’t know what to do!”

All parents are in search of parenting strategies that work! Just as children will process adoption issues in their own individual way, most parents of more than one child can tell you that a discipline strategy that works with one child, will, often to their surprise and dismay, not work with another . What works at one stage of development may not work at another . Parents therefore need a toolbox of strategies to use, as well as an awareness of their child’s special cognitive or emotional challenges .

Dr . Ron Taffel, a well-respected child and family therapist, has written many books to help parents understand and effectively respond to their children’s needs and behavior challenges . He emphasizes the importance of understanding a child’s unique personality and temperament in parenting responses . In a recent workshop for parents and professionals, he discussed several specific types of challenges children can present and effective parenting approaches with these children .

Dr . Taffel stated that very sensitive children tend to respond to the tone of voice that is used . For these children, while no parent wants to be yelling, this may be even less effective with these children . They are often misread as being “manipulative or spoiled .” However, their feelings of fear or insult really interfere with their ability to comply with parental requests . These children respond best of having their feelings validated and being encouraged to talk .

Children with a range of what is known as “self-regulatory issues of affect or attention” may have difficulty following directives for a number of reasons . They may really not remember what is said to them, or cannot hold onto more than one directive at a time . They’ll pick up their toys as asked, but forget they were supposed to then come to the table for dinner . These children will need a lot of guidance with “anticipation”, especially during times of transition .

Children who tend to be very concrete in their thinking have difficulty with the word, “no .” If a parent says, “Maybe we’ll go to the park later,” to a child’s request, the child will “perseverate” with this request because “maybe” and “later” are too vague and abstract . Better to say, “We will (or won’t) go at 3:00 p .m .” Chances are that the child may still argue to go immediately, or have some other “future want” to express . With these situations occur, it is best for parents to disengage from conversation their child and avoid the back and forth that leads to great parental frustration!

Of course, children may present with any combination of these challenges as well .

When parents can focus on their child’s unique ways of viewing the world and coping with life’s input, they will also see how their own personality/temperament matches or doesn’t match well with their child’s . For example, an extroverted mother may feel uncomfortable with her daughter’s seeming unfriendliness until she understands that her daughter has a more introverted type of personality . Learning not to judge a personality style as good or bad or preferred or not, can help parents summon the patience and flexibility that is required to make the necessary adjustments to be effective when personality styles are not an easy match .

Dr . Taffel has also expressed his finding that research has demonstrated the effectiveness of the use of consequences when disciplining children for misdeeds and misbehavior . He notes that while “logical” consequences certainly make sense – you fooled around and broke the expensive vase, you work to pay for its replacement – it is just as effective for any consequence to be used that has significance for the child . Dr . Phil calls it the child’s “currency .” Whatever the misdeed, if it’s the loss of the computer that “hurts”, so be it .

When parental efforts to manage their children’s behavior are not feeling successful, of course, it is always advised to seek professional assistance . Sometimes a professional can suggest methods that will be successful, but more importantly, a professional will help parents explore what may be contributing to the difficulties .

RESOURCES

Nurturing Good Children Now by Dr . Ron Taffel and Melinda Blau

Parenting by Heart by Dr . Ron Taffel

Parenting with Love and Logic Dr . Foster Cline and Dr . Jim Fey

1, 2, 3 Magic by Dr . Thomas Phelan

Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley with Dr . John Meeks

   

   

Back to top

SPECIAL KINDS OF ADOPTION - JEWISH ADOPTIVE FAMILIES

“She’s not really Jewish, is she?” laughed a fellow synagogue congregant to an adoptive mother and her nine year old daughter . The woman making the remark was referring to the fact that the girl had blond hair and blue eyes – not the typical appearance of American Jews . She did not know that she was talking to an adoptive family and certainly did not know that the girl was not born a Jew .

The remark was not intended to hurt anyone – it was completely innocent, meant to be friendly . However, Carol Hartman, the mother says, “I wanted the ground to open up and swallow either the woman or me and my daughter . One of my biggest worries –is that my daughter won’t feel that her conversion to Judaism (as an infant) means she is as authentic a Jew as anyone born to a Jewish mother is . In that instant I couldn’t explain this woman’s remark to my daughter, I wouldn’t explain my daughter’s appearance to this woman, I was just dumbfounded .”

The reality is that of course, Jewish adoptive parents face all the same joys and challenges as other adoptive parents . However, as Shelley Rosenberg writes in Adoption and the Jewish Family, “For a Jewish adoptee and adoptive family, an additional lens filters each event, encounter, and question through thousands of years of history and generations of traditions, as well as through the experience of contemporary Jewish life .”

Ms . Rosenberg’s statement reflects the complexities found in the observance of Judaism . There are conflicting messages that exist in Jewish law, known as halakhah, and tradition with respect to adoption –and there are conflicts between the different factions of Jewish observance – Orthodox, Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist . While Judaism certainly embraces adoption as a valid way to build a family, it also places great emphasis on bloodlines and ancestry . In fact, according to Jewish law, adopted children must be officially converted to Judaism if the mother is not Jewish . Only Reform and Reconstructionist will waive this if the birth father is Jewish and Orthodox will only recognize conversions performed by Orthodox rabbis . (It is very complex, indeed, and as this article is not intended to be a resource on halakhah, or Jewish law, prospective and adoptive parents are advised to consult rabbis and other sources to learn more .)

These complexities add to the unique challenges faced in adoption . Some examples--Orthodox prospective adoptive parents once told a therapist that they were troubled by the fact that one parent would not be able to have physical contact with the child of the opposite sex past the age of 12 . Another parent told their home study social worker how troubled they were when a rabbi told them that they did not need to have a brit milah (circumcision) for their adopted son on day eight after his birth because he hadn’t yet been converted . They arranged this despite his “advice”, not wanting to miss out on the experience of this important Jewish life cycle event . Another family agonized over the fact that in order to convert their three-year-old son adopted from Kazikstan, he would have to undergo a surgical procedure for circumcision .

Jewish parents must carefully consider how they will communicate respect for the religion of their child’s birth family . How will they address their child’s questions about his birth religion and about how the birth parents may feel about their child being raised in a Jewish home? If they have no relationships with people of their child’s religion, what does that communicate to the child? In open adoptions with non-Jewish birth parents, what will parents do if the birth parents want to send Christmas gifts? Or invite the adoptive family to celebrate Christmas? As with all relationships, good communication is key .

Formation of a cohesive identity can be a difficult challenge for all adoptees . For adoptees not born Jewish or who are of a different race or culture, feeling connected with the Jewish community – the “clan” can be especially daunting when outside messages question that identity . One family reports their distress when their Chinese daughter was told in Hebrew School that Chinese people are not Jewish . Sheryl, single adoptive mother of a 21-year-old African-American daughter, Becky, in reunion with her birth mother says she had no problem when her daughter went to spend Christmas with her birth mother . “I did the best I could to help Becky develop a strong Jewish identity . I respected the challenges this presented for her as an African-American woman . I had to let her make her own choices .” When Becky returned from her visit, she joked, “Hey Mom, be glad Diane’s not Jewish . At least you know you’ve got me for Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year)!” To which Sheryl joked, “Oh great . Should I be worried about Thanksgiving?” “Nah, your turkey is much better, Becky said .” To which Sheryl replied, “That’s because it’s Kosher!”

RESOURCES

Stars of David – Jewish Adoptive Parent Support Group www.starsofdavid.org

Adoption and the Jewish Family by Shelley Kapnek Rosenberg

Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley with Dr . John Meeks

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel

   

Back to top

PARENT PERSPECTIVE: TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION: HOW OFTEN & HOW MUCH??
By Ellen singer, LCSW-C

Most adoptive parents worry about whether or not they are communicating enough with their children about adoption, especially with children who don’t present with a lot of questions . On the other hand, some parents express concern about overdoing the emphasis on adoption, perhaps giving their children the impression that they were unfortunate victims of life’s events .

ALL parents want to meet their children’s emotional needs for security, self-esteem, and love . Many of us were fortunate to grow up with parents whose communication tried to address these needs .

However, many of us also had parents who did not understand our innermost feelings and worries . They could not help us to really acknowledge them . If I said to my mother, “I don’t want to go on the field trip,” she would respond, “Why not? There’s nothing to be afraid of . Of course you’ll go .” As in the words of Sherrie Eldridge, author of Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew, my loving mother did not “connect with my heart .” She didn’t know how to discover why I was feeling afraid, that separating from her made me anxious sometimes . She also did not know how to acknowledge my fear before reassuring me . Today’s parents are learning how to say… “I understand that it scares you to be away from me sometimes . But I promise, I’ll be right here when you return . I am confident that you will be all right . And I’ll be glad to hear all about your trip .”

A generation ago, our parents meant well . But they didn’t have the tools for this kind of communication . And they believed that painful feelings and subjects were to be avoided . They tended to avoid their own painful feelings .

Today’s adoptive parents need to help their children with their important feelings related to adoption, including feelings of loss and grief, which impact their child’ sense of security and self-esteem . They can do this by VALIDATING their child’s feeling (including those related to adoption) with statements such as, “That must be very painful .” Everyone can help their children by knowing how to empathetically respond to them . Sometimes, before parents can do this, they must come to terms with their own feelings about adoption, including the normal emotions of loss, jealousy, and fear of birth parents .

How often should a parent raise the topic of adoption? Holly van Gulden, in her book, Real Parents, Real Children, suggests that parents throw out “pebbles” periodically . “Pebbles” are statements about adoption or your child’s adoption story that create a ripple effect, which may or may not produce an immediate response . “I wonder if your artistic ability comes from your birth mother .” Children will respond as they wish and when they wish . Parents can be aware of stories in the media that reference adoption themes . These strategies provide a consistent message that adoption is a topic that is open for discussion . Children are different in how they process adoption . As long as parents have established an open atmosphere, they do not need to be overly worried about those children who ask only a few questions . (It may change as they get older .) Parents are also advised to remember that conversations may come up at the most unexpected times – driving in the car --sometimes last less than a minute, and to allow children to end the conversation as they desire .

As long as parents create opportunities for adoption to be brought up, they are doing well by their children .

Referenced Books

   

 

Success Stories

Giving birth to children, if you are Jewish, does not automatically guarantee that they will embrace their Jewish identity or practice Judaism in ways you hope they will . Adopting a child not born Jewish and converting her to Judaism, I realized at some point, filled me with even greater fears than my fellow Jewish mothers with children by birth . As many other adoptive Jewish adoptive parents, I worried that my daughter would question the authenticity of being Jewish, and reject it all together, either during adolescent rebellion, or worse, as a mature adult making choices about her life . More importantly, I didn’t realize how important the observance of my faith was to me until I thought about it from this parent perspective .

Over the course of time, I realized that I had to learn more about Judaism if I was to impart its beauty to my daughter . I studied with fellow students at my synagogue with our rabbi and participated in a b’nai mitzvah ceremony at the age of 41! While I still missed out on the experience of being held up on a chair in celebration, I didn’t miss out on my then 10-year-old daughter telling me how proud she was of me .

For a variety of reasons, my husband and I chose to send our daughter to Jewish day school and she also attended Jewish camps in the summer time. Her high school graduating class spent three months in Israel last year, part of the school’s program . She loved Israel and felt completely comfortable there . She has already been back to visit friends she made there . She will tell you, at the age of 19, that she’s not terribly spiritual . However, we notice that she is proud of her proficiency in Hebrew, her ability to explain the meaning behind many of our religious practices and traditions, and her delight in helping her seven year old brother with his Judaic studies homework and Hebrew . Her ipod is filled with music of Israeli artists .

I hope she will grow in her love of Judaism. I pray that she will find joy in and strength from her faith as she faces life’s rewards and challenges .

Ellen Singer, parent

Back to top