May/June 2006
In this issue
Beyond Their Story: Educating Children to be Part
of the
Adoption Community
Understanding and
Supporting the Unique Needs in Kinship Adoption
Parent
Perspectives: Creating and Finding Opportunities to Explore What
Adoption Means to Your Child
Success Stories
Beyond Their Story:
Educating Children to be Part of the Adoption Community
By Marilyn
Schoettle, M. A .
This is an active time for anyone who believes there is a need to educate
others about adoption! People in the adoption community are reaching
out to promote acceptance of adoption as just one of the many ways to
form families . Some are enlightening people in their neighborhoods by
holding special events, writing articles, or simply informing individuals
who need to know more facts . Others have chosen to contact journalists
or TV and movie producers when they feel that adoption is not presented
accurately through the media .
The adoption community is committed to these efforts because an increase
in generalized knowledge about adoption can help to foster use of positive
language and greater sensitivity to appropriate boundaries around private
information . A more widespread emphasis on the positive outcomes of
adoption can also promote understanding and acceptance by young people
who are increasingly likely to encounter classmates and neighbors in
adoptive families . Many parents are hoping that teachers will utilize
their skills to help with the task of educating the next generation .
While the need to educate others about adoption is clear, there is also
a need for education within the adoption community . Parents and professionals
will be better prepared to talk in generalities, rather than about personal
stories, if they are aware of basic facts about the different ways to
adopt, the number of adoptions each year, and even something about history
or current legislative activity about adoption .
The same need for education about adoption exists for children . Although
most of the world expects children who joined their families through
adoption to be experts on any and all aspects of the subject, their personal
experience is usually only one slice of a big pie . There are good reasons
to inform adopted children about adoption in general . That information
will help them, when they are asked personal questions, to choose the
E in W .I .S .E . UP!* and educate others in a way that does not reveal
private details of their own adoption stories . In addition, adopted
children will be more likely to find connections with other adoptees
if they have been prepared to understand the experiences of other adopted
children . Most parents would agree that connections with other adopted
children or adults can prove to be a critical source of support for their
children throughout their lives .
What are some ways to educate adopted children about adoption in general?
Here are some suggestions:
• Help your child meet other children in different kinds of adoptive
families through organizations such as C .A .S .E ., where families from
a range of adoptive backgrounds come together . Another possibility is
to attend events held through your adoption agency or a local parent
organization that include different adoptive families.
• Visit a library, bookstore, or to easily access a wide range
of choices, www .tapestrybooks .com, and obtain age-appropriate books
that highlight adoption stories which are different from that of your
child . Explore how there are some commonalities in all adoptions . Point
out that children may be adopted at birth or even when they are teens
. Remember to note that some children are adopted by family members,
known as kinship adoption. As your child gets older, include information
about the laws and legal processes that protect children in any adoption
. When children reach their teens, you may want to draw on adoption-related
stories in the press or on TV to broaden your child’s perspective
about how birth parents and/or social workers make decisions in the best
interest of the child . The complexities and challenges of different
adoption stories can help your teen to gain perspective about his/her
own story .
• Find ways to reach out to adoptive families in your school or
neighborhood . Adults can model for children that the adoption connection
can be a quiet bond—something that may bring people together because
of shared experiences, but not necessarily something that needs to be
the focus of a relationship.
• Be sure to introduce information about foster care—in the
United States and also in other countries—so that your child is
aware of its important role for many children, some of whom move on to
adoption . Additionally, provide your child with facts about orphanages—their
history in the United States, and also which countries continue with
this system of caring for children who need homes . An interesting and
poignant way to learn about part of the history of adoption and social
welfare in our country is to read about the orphan trains which ran from
the late 1800s to early 1900s . (We Rode the Orphan Trains by Andrea
Warren is a good place to start .)
• With the basic knowledge of various ways in which adoptive families
are formed, build your child’s sensitivity to other kinds of families
(step families, single parent families, families with gay or lesbian
parents) . Find opportunities to teach appropriate language and respect
for boundaries .
• If your child is interested in sharing his/her knowledge about
adoption in a group situation (at school, church, Brownies), or if there
is a school assignment that has the potential to focus on his/her adoption
story, prepare your child to speak in generalities . (This amounts to
ensuring that your child has the knowledge to help him choose the E in
W .I .S .E . UP!) For example, a child who is asked an intrusive question
about the reason he/she was placed for adoption can turn the focus from
the personal to the general: “Sometimes mothers and fathers are
not able to care for their children . This happens everywhere in the
world . Adoption has been a way to solve that problem for thousands of
years!”
*W .I .S .E . UP!sm is a program
developed by C .A .S .E . to help children and teens respond to questions
and comments about adoption . For more information, see the Publications
section at www.adoptionsupport.org . © 2003
The Center for Adoption Support and Education, Inc .
For many foster and adoptive parents helping their child be successful
in school, not only means giving them a stable and loving home,
but also finding out the child’s school history and special education
needs.
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Understanding and Supporting
the Unique Needs in Kinship Adoption
Kinship adoptive families are formed both by choice and often out of
necessity. A family member (adolescent child, niece, cousin, etc.) has
an unintended pregnancy and another family member agrees to adopt the
baby – to keep the child in the family and/or often times filling
the dream of a single or infertile couple who are happy to step up to
the plate.
In addition, with the increasing number of children who cannot remain
in their homes, child welfare agencies rely heavily on grandparents and
other relatives to become foster parents for their kin. Kinship care
is as old as time in most cultures. And with the passage of the Adoption
and Safe Families Act of 1997 (ASFA), whose purpose was permanency planning
for children -- with the goal of moving children from foster care into
permanent adoptive homes -- kinship caregivers are being asked to make
their centuries old informal raising of children, legal and formal through
adoption or risk losing the right to raise them.
When the kinship adoption is the result of the voluntary placement
of the infant/young child by the birth mother, the challenges are not
dissimilar from open adoption arrangements. In both types of families,
where there is often, ongoing contact with the birth mother, it is critically
important that the child be told the truth about the relationship. Whereas
most kinship adoptive parents are honest as they explain the child’s
adoption story, other parents fear that the disclosure will hurt or confuse
the child and hide the truth to “protect” the child.
In these situations – for example, in an open adoption, the birth
mother is known only as a “friend”. In kinship adoption,
only the new relationship resulting from the adoption is known to the
child (sister, aunt, cousin, etc.) The “secret” invariably
impacts family dynamics with discomfort and tension that parents think
the child won’t notice, but does – and may cause the child
to worry needlessly as he imagines all kinds of possible catastrophes.
Equally damaging, the disclosure of the truth at a later point in time
can be traumatizing to the child, and destroy the trust between adoptive
parent and child.
When children are removed from their birth parents and placed with
relatives, the decision to adopt carries with it many significant changes
and challenges for families. The post-adoption success of these families
depends a great deal on two things: 1) assisting families in the decision-making
process through careful planning and consideration of the lifelong issues
in kinship adoption in the PRE-ADOPTION phase and 2) on-going support
and other services post-adoption as well as knowledge of how to access
those supports and services.
Caring for children who have been traumatized by the loss of their
parents, as well as abuse, neglect, etc. may present emotional, educational
and behavioral challenges that are extremely stressful—understanding
the help these children need and accessing appropriate services is no
small job.
Kinship adoptive parents especially of older placed children need to
understand the grief, loss, confusion and loyalty issues faced by the
children. – Laura Manson was unprepared for the intense grief her
eight year old niece, Diane experienced when the mother’s rights
were terminated and she was told she was going to be adopted. “She
refused to call me “Mom” for at least a year. I never pushed
it and always tried to convey the message that she could love us both.
However, inside it was hard for me to understand her loyalty to a mother
who had left her alone for hours on end while she prostituted herself
for drugs.” Laura adds, “I was also the bad guy, refusing
to let her birthmother (my sister) take her out on school nights after
she consistently brought her home late. Over time, Diane stopped trying
to hurt me by telling me she was going to live with her birthmother as
soon as she turned 18. When she saw she couldn’t push that button,
she learned that the only competition going on was in her mind. We are
now very close."
In reality, especially as children reach the age of majority, some children
in kinship adoption may desire to live with their birth parents and wish
to take care of them. Adopters must prepare for feelings of loss, betrayal
or having “failed”.
Setting boundaries as Laura tried to do is not easy. Kinship adopters
lose the assistance of their caseworker and the court’s role in
setting limits and handling boundary issues with regard to the relationship
with the birth parents. This can be quite a challenge. These families
may still be very much in need of professional assistance to set boundaries,
manage the relationship with birth parents, including how to appropriately
involve and include birth parents in the lives of the children over time.
This is especially true for grandparent adopters who in addition to
challenges with regard to setting boundaries, are dealing with their
own feelings –sadness, guilt, anger -- about what is happening
to these birth parents – their sons and daughters. They are coping
with the stigma of being seen as responsible for the difficulties of
the birth parents (“the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”)
If they are feeling blamed or blaming themselves and/or feeling guilty,
or extremely angry – all these feelings can have a negative impact
on the children if they are not handled appropriately. Open conflict
with the birth parents who are their children or son/daughter-in-laws,
and/or belittling the birth parents to the children can certainly create
terrible stress for the children. Such stress can exacerbate the normal
feelings of loss, grief, confusion and loyalty issues the children experience.
Grandparents adopting their grandchildren are confronted with practical
issues related to their energy and physical ability to keep up with their
children. Identifying sources of respite care can be critical. And of
course, while all parents should identify guardians for their children
in the case of their disability/death, grandparents are realistically
concerned about what will happen in the event of illness or death and
must identify secondary guardians who will take over.
Whether the result of voluntary or involuntary placement, despite the
challenges, kinship adoption is a wonderful adoption option.
RESOURCES
National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen
Challenges of Adoption by Karen Foli and John Thompson
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Parent Perspectives: Creating
and Finding Opportunities to Explore What Adoption Means to Your Child
By
Ellen Singer
“I am an adoptive parent who understands the importance of talking
with my child about his adoptions story. I bring the topic up from time
to time, but do I need to do anything else? Often he seems uninterested.
Isn’t it better to leave well enough alone?”
In previous issues of this newsletter, we have discussed how most adopted
children and teens need help identifying their feelings about adoptions,
and that they can benefit from knowing that they have their parents’ permission
to express those feelings. Communication between parents and their children
is one very important way to help them. However, as this mother expressed,
children and teens are not always interested in talking about adoption
with their parents.
In a survey C.A.S.E. conducted some time ago asking for feedback about
our programs, many parents indicated that they did not involve their
children in groups for adopted children (the K.A.N. program) because
their children “were not interested” or the parents themselves “didn’t
see the need.”
We know that all of us – children and adults alike – tend
to avoid those things that make us anxious. We also know that it is very
common for certain aspects of adoption to challenge our abilities to
be open and communicative. Many of us simply want to get on with being
a family (plenty of challenges there!) and find it awkward to fit into
our busy lives --conversations about how our family was formed. For others,
there is difficult information to share, and we are unsure as to how
to proceed. Many of us find our children’s questions very hard
to answer, or we simply lack the information to fill in the blanks they
would like filled. In turn, children are normally hesitant to raise adoption
as a topic, either knowing it makes us uncomfortable, or worrying that
they will appear not to love us.
The result can be that anxiety leads to avoidance, and that avoidance
may translate into expressions of disinterest when we offer to take our
children to adoption related events.
I encourage you to make it clear that sharing experiences which may
relate to adoption is your decision, made, as so many parental decisions
are, with your children’s best interests in mind. Later on, after
your child has enjoyed the experience, he will remember that you were
committed to helping him with any concerns he might have about being
a part of an adoptive family – a valuable piece of information
for the years ahead!
There are many ways that adoptive parents can help to stimulate their
child’s exploration of adoption issues and feelings. In addition
to K.A.N. groups at C.A.S.E., and our annual K.A.N. conference and carnival
in November during National Adoption Month – adoptive families
can attend social/educational events and activities sponsored by adoptive
parent support groups. Interacting with families just like theirs or
learning about other kinds of adoptive families -- is very meaningful
for children. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse lists the
resources available in each state.
Internationally adopted children are attending culture camps across
the country in greater numbers each year, and the number and range of
homeland tours is growing as well.
Another suggestion is to utilize age-appropriate books about adoption
or with adoption-related themes that can be purchased for children of
every age up through adolescence. Some parents give their children books
as presents; others may leave books in conspicuous places for their children
to discover. C.A.S.E. has a bibliography of recommended books which is
available upon request.
Parents can also look for articles in newspapers and magazines which
will foster discussion. When my daughter was 10, I shared with her a
newspaper article that addressed the uncovering of the fact that some
Yemenite refugees to Israel after WWII had their babies kidnapped and
placed for adoption, many with Holocaust survivors who had lost children.
The story led to a discussion of the “I was kidnapped fantasy” that
many adopted children use to explain the reason for the adoption.
Movies with adoption-related themes are also good sources for discussion.
Years ago, many parents took their children to see Stuart Little without
knowing that the message in the movie could be quite disturbing for adopted
children (the human adoptive parents return Stuart to the mice they believe
are his birth parents, when they come to claim him.) Others, who knew
the story, took their children anyway and used the negative message as
an opportunity to clarify misperceptions about adoption.
The kids who attend C.A.S.E. programs are very clear – they need
to know that their parents give their permission and support
them as they explore their adoption. Sometimes that may require taking
the lead to show our children various ways to carry out the exploration.
Deborah Cox, a Korean adoptee who works with Holt International shared
a story at a conference many years ago that stayed with me. She described
how when she was a teen, her family planned to attend a Korean event
of some kind and having “no interest” in attending, she refused
to go with them. Her parents did not insist that she go – and they
went anyway without her. Years later, as a young adult, she
realized how much this meant to her.
Success Stories
Hi, we are the Bready Ladies, Alice (Granny), Paige and Morgan (granddaughters,
ages 10 ½ and 9 years old). We would like for you to know something
about our kinship adoption.
Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think that at this stage of life
that I would be the adoptive mother of my two granddaughters.
At a mature age and six months after my husband’s death, my granddaughters
(Morgan – 33 months and Paige – 4 years) were court ordered
into my home as a result of my daughter’s addiction and mental
problems.
After a couple of years of going to court, the judge was unhappy with
their mother for not following his orders. She had problems with visitation
rules, adhering to doctors’ appointments and attending her therapy
sessions, etc. Her parental rights were terminated and I was allowed
to adopt Paige and Morgan in October of 2002.
Since the adoption, I have encountered a lot of challenges – the
girls both have learning disabilities, needed day care, and their mother
refused to accept the fact that I am now the mother of these girls. She
tried to reenter their lives when it was convenient for her to do so.
I have tried to deal with my problems by taking one day at a time.
The Bready Ladies have a lot of good times and fun together as we like
to get in the car and travel to West Virginia to visit friends, go to
the beach, and take bus and train trips.
Being a parent the second time around has been very interesting -- especially
when Morgan calls me “Mommy” in public – which results
in comments and stares. Also, it is my opinion that adopting Paige and
Morgan has been as good for me, as I have been for them!
As for the future, I will continue to devote my time and energy to making
life for these girls as comfortable and safe as possible.
Alice, adoptive grandmother of Paige and Morgan
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