November 2006
In this issue
Keeping the Faith: Adopted Teens and Religion
"40+" Is the New"20+": Adoptive Parenting at 'Mature" Ages
Adopting as an Older Parent
Ask Ellen
Keeping
the Faith: Adopted Teens and Religion
By Debbie Riley
The holiday season often highlights the question on the minds of many
adoptive parents with children whose religious origins differ from their
faith - Should I/we somehow incorporate this difference into the ways
we practice religion in our family? How parents respond to this question
depends largely on the age of the child, whether the religious diversity
is part of a larger ethnic or racial difference, and or the degree to
which religion plays a role in the life of the adoptive family.
In domestic adoption, children adopted before the age that they would
have any conscious memories of celebrating another religion, will most
likely be raised in their adoptive parents' faith. While these families
are unlikely to celebrate the birth family's religion, it is very important
that they demonstrate respect for the religion of their child's birth
family's (as hopefully children are taught to be respectful of all differences!)
and to address whatever needs their child may have to learn about and
understand their religious origins. This is also critically important
for parents who adopted internationally. They are encouraged to honor
their child's cultural heritage, which includes teaching their child
about the religious beliefs and practices from their country of origin.
When children are adopted at older ages, if they have had the experience
of observing a faith different from their new family, most adoption experts
would agree that it is very important to continue to honor their religious
practices. A Jewish family adopted Charlene and Annie at ages 13 and
9. Prior to adoption, the girls resided in foster care, experiencing
two placements which embraced the Christian faith. In the beginning months
of their adoptive placement, Charlene and Annie shared their important
memories of celebrating Christmas. The girls' parents recognized the
insurmountable losses the girls had experienced and the importance of
the connections/attachments they held to the foster families and their
religious beliefs. Charlene and Annie's parents demonstrated this awareness
by allowing the girls to celebrate those holidays which helped them to
remain connected to their past; at the same time, the parents slowly
began to introduce the girls to the Jewish faith, traditions and holidays.
Responding with sensitivity to religious and other differences during
childhood lays the groundwork for facing the challenges that religious
differences may present during adolescence. Adolescence in general is
a time for teens to challenge parental values, assert one's independence
and ponder the uniqueness of one's identity. Grappling with the task
of forming an identity, teens who were adopted may begin to question
their religious connections: Should I continue to identify with the religious
beliefs of my adoptive family or should I try to connect with my religion
of birth origin? In order to figure out "Who am I?" embracing feelings
about religion may be an integral part of the search for identity.
For Sharon age 17, born to Christian birth parents and raised in the
Jewish faith, the search for self led to a re-evaluation of her religious
affiliation. For a period of time, she began to question whether she
was "really" Jewish, especially when people who did not know of her background
told her that she "didn't" look Jewish. Sharon 's parents empathized
with her feelings while gently conveying their beliefs about her authenticity
as a Jew. They gave Sharon the time and space she needed to resolve her
confusion. While they hoped she would embrace the Jewish faith, they
ultimately communicated unconditional love regardless of her decision.
The family of Mitchell, adopted at the age of three from Korea , happily
celebrated Christianity, sometimes attending a Methodist church while
also participating in services and activities at a local Korean church.
When Mitchell turned 15, he befriended a fellow Korean American student
whose family practiced Buddhism. As Mitchell learned more about this
religion, he decided to incorporate its practices into his life. At first
stunned by Mitchell's behavior, his parents became interested students
as he shared his new knowledge with them.
Wise parents know that adolescence is a time of tremendous change on
the journey to adulthood. The journey around religious and spiritual
identity is often a lifelong evolution. However religious differences
are embraced in an adoptive family, the key to resolving potential conflicts
is ultimately based on love, respect, open and honest communication,
sprinkled in with a little prayer!
Tips for incorporating two religions.
1. If the decision is to celebrate two religions, have family meetings
to decide when, what and how traditions/holidays from each religion will
be celebrated. Educate extended family members about the needs of your
adopted children/teens to prepare them for changes they are unaccustomed
to.
2. If your family is only practicing the religion of the adoptive parents'
faith, you might enjoy celebrating your teen's religion of origin in
the home of friends or relatives who practice that religion (including
birth family members in the case of open adoption.)
3. If your teen becomes uninterested in celebrating your religion, certainly
continue to carry on as before - letting your teen know what is expected
of him as a family member and what is really optional (for example, you
might decide that your teen may be allowed to skip church or synagogue
but is expected at the holiday family dinner table.)
4. If you have always celebrated your teen's religion of origin, and
she no longer wishes to, it is important to try to understand why. Unless
it is because she has embraced your religion or another religion, it
may be part of an identity struggle or something related to adoption
that you may not fully understand. Thus, you may wish to continue old
celebrations even while she appears to be uninterested. Doing so can
send a powerful message of your recognition of its importance to her
which may matter to your teen in years to come.
5.If your teen becomes interested in practicing his religion of origin
or any other religion which differs from yours, consider joining him
in his journey. He will appreciate your support and may ultimately journey
back to the religion you have raised him in.
RESOURCES
Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley
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"40+" Is
the New"20+": Adoptive Parenting at 'Mature" Ages
By Ellen Singer
I wouldn't have the courage to write this article if it weren't
for the fact that I am an "older" parent, albeit by birth, of a seven
year old boy, as well as the adoptive mother of a nineteen
year old young woman. I'd be too worried about offending my fellow "older
parents." However,
since I am in the same wonderful, but challenging boat, I
feel confident that my readers will forgive me if they do not agree
with the viewpoints in this article.
Adoptive parenting (by birth, too) at older ages, typically 40 plus,
is more common now than in generations past. It is a favorite 'story'
depicted on the news. The common reasons for the trend typically relate
to the fact that women (and men) are delaying both marriage and parenthood
in pursuit of their careers. Many older adoptive parents of course, may
have lost years to unsuccessful infertility treatment (possibly including
trying donor egg/sperm/surrogacy) before building their family through
adoption. The adoption process, of course, can also take one or more
years to complete. Some couples say it took a long time to first find
Mr. or Mrs. Right. Single men and women are also adopting past 40, many
deciding that they no longer wish to delay parenthood while waiting for
a partner to parent with. Other motivations behind older adoptive parenting
include: remarriage, especially to a partner who has no children; and
after parenting by birth, the desire to continue parenting, and/or to
provide a loving home to a child(ren) who needs one.
Whatever the reason, most middle-aged people do not make the decision
to adopt without careful consideration. There are predictable, though
very individual, concerns that older parents may have. "I worried about
having enough energy to keep up with the children," says, Mary, mother
of Sasha and Elena, ages 9 and 7, adopted from Russia as toddlers. Everyone
said, "Oh, this will keep you young!" but in fact, I often felt exhausted.
When I complained to my peers, who were in their 20's and 30's, they
assured me that they felt tired, too. But somehow, I suspected that they
were just being kind. Over time, I did learn to 'pace myself' and stop
comparing myself or feeling guilty." On the other hand, Molly, mother
of 7 year old Chris, says, "I am in better shape now than I was in my
30's! I was a couch potato back then. I run marathons! I can keep up
with the younger mothers, no problem!"
Bob, with grown children in their 20's wanted his second wife, Anne,
47 to have the experience of parenthood, and adopted Mia, now three from
China . He worries about how they will handle the financial obligations
of raising a child. "Thinking about college tuition just as I will be
ready for retirement is a bit daunting. Will I be able to retire? When
my brothers and friends talk of their retirement plans, I just have to
laugh. We are trying to plan things accordingly, but we just don't know
how it will all work out. Of course, our real concern is our health.
We just want to be here and be well to raise our daughter."
Daryl and his wife, Mindy shared their feeling of being out of sync
with family members, close friends, and colleagues. Daryl says, "Our
friends' children are in high school, college, some are even getting
married. It is hard for them to relate to our lifestyle. They don't remember
that we cannot be spontaneous. To go out, we have to plan ahead to get
sitters, and staying out late isn't fun when your six year old is up
at 6:00 a.m. and wants to play checkers! Mindy laughs, "On the positive
side, I have become quite "bi-generational. At birthday parties of our
son, 7 and daughter, 5, I can easily talk with the moms and dads who
are a decade plus younger than I am, as well as the birthday child's
grandparents, whom I may be closer in age to!"
Peter and Alice, parents of five year old Michael note that in comparison
with younger parents they know, they see themselves as more patient and
relaxed with their children. "I spent 20 years developing my career,
traveling, and refurbishing our home," says Peter. "I have little ambivalence
about the loss of my freedom. Comparing the experience of parenting to
all those other experiences, there is no comparison. My children are
my joy." Alice agrees, "I can't really imagine being a mother when I
was younger. I realize now how much I didn't know myself, how insecure
I really was. I feel that I can really do a good job as a mother because
I feel wiser, more settled. I'll never know if I would have enjoyed the
kids as much as I do now. I keep thinking I might have felt trapped.
I don't know."
Carol, 51, states that the hardest part of being an older parent is
being part of the "sandwich generation." Juggling the needs of her elderly
parents, including an 89 year old father suffering from Parkinson's Disease
and an 82 year old mother who is his caregiver, with the needs of her
family is very stressful. "Shopping for both Pampers and Depends at the
same time is the reality! You typically hear that women don't put their
needs first. But in this situation, it really is a challenge to make
your needs a priority. When my husband and I were adopting, I was just
concerned with the fact that my parents would not be able to help me.
I didn't think about what it would be like if I had to help them. I've
become quite adept at locating and using outside resources, services,
supports to meet the needs of my family and my parents."
It has been said that adoptive parents rarely "take their children for
granted." As we begin to age, we often begin to stop taking 'life' for
granted. For many older parents, the combination of these two perspectives
certainly makes the experience of older adoptive parenthood especially
enjoyable and rewarding.
RESOURCES
But I Don't Feel Too Old to be a Mommy!: The Complete
Sourcebook for Starting (and Restarting) Motherhood Beyond
35 and After 40 by Doreen
Nagle
See e-newsletter on Kinship Grandparent
Adoption
Adopting as an Older Parent
By Perry and Alida Beider
If the question is, "Is it harder or easier being older parents,
or more specifically, older adoptive parents?" I guess our answer
is, "A little bit of both, and a lot of neither." Yes, we probably
have less physical stamina than we would've had if we had adopted
15 years earlier, and that would have come in handy with a child like
our (incredibly cute, smart, talented, and loving) Energizer bunny. And
yes, we probably know ourselves better and have more perspective on things
than we would've had back then, and that comes in handy in many ways--some
of them related to the challenges and richness of being adoptive parents.
Mostly, though, our impression is that parenting at an older age is
a lot like parenting at any age: it's the world's best example of learning
on the job, and it's a surprise package that you open every day. But
none of it happens until you start. Adopting 15 years earlier wasn't
an option for us; we didn't even know each other then. If you're ready
to adopt at 30, great; if you weren't ready then but are ready at 35,
or 40, or 45, great. Try to go in clear-eyed about your strengths and
limitations, and the kinds of childcare and other help you might need,
but don't let an age number be an arbitrary cut-off. Being a parent brings
immeasurable growth, meaning, and joy however and whenever it comes about.
ASK ELLEN
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
DEAR ELLEN,
I have two children by adoption, a son from Russia and a daughter from
China . I have a great deal of information about my son's birth mother,
and of course, no information about my daughter's birth mother. I am
worried that sharing my son's information will make my daughter feel
bad about the lack of information I have for her, and I am not sure how
to handle this.
Most parents with children by birth and adoption worry about how their
children will feel about the different ways each child joined the family - mostly
worrying, of course, that their adopted child will feel bad that he was
not born into the family like his sibling. When an adoptive family has
two adopted children, they may worry about how each child will feel about
the differences in their adoption story.Will one child perceive his story
as better or preferred - e.g. I was adopted at nine months, you came
when you were older at two years? Will one child feel bad about
not having answers to questions his sibling has - e.g. I know I have
birth siblings, you don't know if you even have any. " Parents often
worry that these differences will cause their children pain, and more
importantly, will negatively impact the sibling relationship. With outsiders
asking hurtful questions as "Are they really sisters? Really brother
and sister?", parents do not want anything to get in the way of their
children developing a strong sibling bond. If resentment and jealousy
is the possible result of different adoption information, the pull is
strong to downplay these differences to level the playing field.
Parents should resist this pull. If in any family, one child is more
academically talented or athletically gifted, parents would certainly
not hold that child back from succeeding in order to "protect" their
other children from feeling bad. Instead they would highlight each child's
special aspects. Each child brings unique "gifts" to their family and
parents should give the message that they cherish each way their individual
children became part of the family.
With this understanding, one child should never be denied the "gift" of
his/her information in order to spare the feelings of his sibling. Instead,
if feelings are upset, parents must validate them and provide comfort
to their children. If one sibling is using his adoption story to hurt
his sibling, parents should certainly step in and let their children
know that that is unacceptable in their family.
Children can benefit a great deal in learning about adoption and birth
parents from the information their sibling has. In some families, one
child's adoption may be more open than another's - with possible in-person
contact. Again, parents should never deprive their family from the opportunity
for a relationship with one of their child's birth parents because the
opportunity isn't possible with their other child's birth parents. While
that child may have some painful feelings, the positive relationship
they can enjoy with their sibling's birth parents can have a very beneficial
impact.
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