October 2006
In this issue
The Dating
Game
Parenting
an Adopted Only Child
A Parent's Cry
Ask Ellen
THE
DATING GAME
By
Debbie Riley
Executive Director
The Center for Adoption Support & Education
If you are the parent of a teenage son or daughter, then you probably
spent a few sleepless nights contemplating the perils of dating. You
may have memories of your own dating trials and tribulations, heard countless
stories from other parents who thought they would never survive their
teenager's dating experiences or eagerly tuned into talk shows who find
this topic worthy of discussion. No matter what the source, uncertainty
prevails in the minds of parents.
For all teenagers, the prospect of entering the intricate game of dating
can be exciting, intriguing and daunting. For adolescent adoptees, the
game may present a different playing field because it can be complicated
by one's adoption experience. As their interest in dating heightens,
adopted teens may struggle with a myriad of questions:
• What kind of relationship did my birthparents have?
• Did they mean anything to each other?
• Did my birth dad respect my birth mother?
• Was my birth the result of a one-night stand?
• Should I share my adoption story with my boyfriend? What
if he thinks I am just like my birth mother? She had sex
when she was young. He might expect me to have sex.
• Should I get involved with someone? I've been hurt once
before - people always leave me - my birth parents left me.
• I really want to date someone who is Asian like me. How
will her family feel once they find out I am not "Asian"? I grew up
in a Caucasian family.
• I am not Caucasian but I grew up in a Caucasian family.
Will someone Caucasian be interested in dating me if I am
interested in him or her?
The core of these questions is intricately to the teens' quest for identity,
and the answers help to move them towards developing healthy interpersonal
relationships. As parents, it is important to provide guidance to your
teenager to help them address the complex issues behind their questions.
This may entail sharing aspects of the teen's adoption story, which have
not yet been shared for fear of overwhelming or negatively influencing
the teen. For example, .too often, adopted teens believe that they must
follow the path taken by their birthparents-i.e. - Boys don't stick around
long, girls move from one relationship to another, young teens are promiscuous,
teens have a lack of self respect. While it is imperative that adolescents
know the truth about the circumstances surrounding their birth and placement
for adoption, teens must also be empowered to make choices different
from those made by their birthparents.
In dating, there is another layer of complexity for many transracially-adopted
teens. Adolescence is a time when the teen begins to explore their racial
heritage and identity within a particular ethnic group. A teen's ethnicity
may impact his/her understanding of and feelings about gender roles,
interracial dating, and familial and societal expectations. Ethnic/racial
stereotypes may also influence the teen's choices surrounding dating.
As the teens' interest in their racial /ethnic connections increase,
they may be presented with challenges from their peers and parents. Heather,
a bi-racial adoptee, felt like she did not fit in anywhere. The Caucasian
boys in her school would not date her, as she appeared to be African
American. Being rejected from one ethnic group, she began dating African
American boys and met resistance from her parents who presented with
prejudice.
This example reflects the challenges inherent in the dating experiences
for many transracially- adopted teens. It is critically important that
parents examine their own racial attitudes, and open dialogue with their
teen about how the teen sees himself/herself, how parents see them and
how the outside world sees them. Parents must face the difficult task
of affirming their teen's feelings that racism exists and provide their
teen with strategies for coping. In addition, parents will need to take
a moment to walk in their teen's shoes and give their teen permission
to explore their racial identity.
All teens will enter the dating game. Adoption can create challenges
along the way, which can be overcome. As parents, let's make sure our
teens understand the rules, have strategies to play the "game' and someone
to talk to when hearts are broken.
Send A Clear Message: You are still needed!
• Send clear messages that you are open and willing to
talk about adoption and dating.
• Remember, as your teenager's understanding of adoption
becomes more sophisticated, his/her quest for information
becomes stronger.
• Answer your teen's questions honestly and directly. Sharing
difficult information is hard, but the truth can be healing.
• Communicate respect for your teen's feelings and affirm
their opinions.
• Provide your teen with stories from your personal dating
experiences. Share mistakes and identify qualities that
lead to healthy relationships.
• Support your teen as they define their ethnic/racial
identity.
Debbie B. Riley M.S is the Executive Director of The Center for Adoption
Support and Education Inc. in Silver Spring Maryland and the author of
the newly published book, Beneath
the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens . Please visit the website
for order information, www.adoptionsupport.org
Back to top
PARENTING
AN ADOPTED ONLY CHILD
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
At a recent dinner party, I overheard Mark, 15 (not adopted), being
asked by some other teens he was seated with how he felt about being
an only child, such as.was he lonely a lot? Without hesitation, Mark
replied that he didn't feel that way. He stated that he enjoyed a close
relationship with his parents and couldn't imagine what it would be like
to have to share his parents' attention (and other things like the TV
remote). He also didn't miss the fighting he observes between his friends
and their siblings. Mark added that being an only child had likely helped
him to become quite adept at entertaining himself by developing a number
of interests. He also indicated that he enjoyed spending lot of time
with good friends and appreciated the fact that there was "always room
for them at the dinner table."
All parents of only children would have been happy and relieved to hear
Mark's remarks. It is not uncommon for parents of onlies to feel guilty
and/or anxious about whether being raised without siblings is potentially
harmful to their children (Will they grow up selfish/spoiled, unable
to have good relationships with others?). Often these worries are compounded
by the common reactions of other people who view parents of onlies as
selfish or insensitive for laying this burden on their children.
Parents' fears, of course, are not grounded in reality. We ALL know successful,
happy adults who were "onlies." In fact, researchers of a study conducted
at the University of Texas "found adults who were only children enjoyed
lives as satisfying as or even more satisfying than adults who grew up
with siblings." (Norval Glenn and Sue Keir Hopee, "Only Children as Adults," Journal
of Family Issues, Sept. 1984, The Encyclopedia of Adoption by Christine
Adamec and William Pierce, 1991.)
That being said, while many "onlies" report feeling perfectly content,
others say that they plan to or already have more than one child because
of negative feelings they have about the experience. Clearly there is
no one way a child will experience the potential advantages and disadvantages
of being an only child. But what happens when adoption enters the equation?
WHY ONLY ONE?
Approximately 20 percent of children under age 18 are only children.
There are, of course, many reasons why an adopted child is raised as
an only child. Just like biological parents, the adoptive parent'(s)
decision may be related to financial resources, and/or lifestyle factors
such as being "older" (the "sandwich generation"), marital status (being
single, divorcing after becoming parents), career/work obligations, etc.
Perhaps the adopted child has identified special needs which require
care and attention best suited for a one child family, or those needs
became apparent post-adoption. Some adoptive parents who found the adoption
process daunting the first time around may be unwilling to go through
it again. Still others, happy with their child, worry like non-adoptive
parents that no second child can be as wonderful as their first and only.
BEING DIFFERENT
For many adopted children, as with children by birth, their only child
status may just be another fact of their lives. The positives aspects
and potential challenges are pretty much the same as they would be for
children born into their families. However, for some, being an only child
may add an extra level of challenge to the normal, predictable adoption
issue of feeling "different". Emily, 19, adopted domestically as an infant,
loves her family dearly and is very close with them. However, she struggles
a great deal with how different she feels she is from them. "They're
city folk, I'm country." She laments that they don't share or support
her interests. "I know they love me unconditionally, but I sometimes
feel like a disappointment to them and just sometimes feel like a freak.
I know that if I was their biological daughter, I might still be different
from them, but I can't help but blame it on being adopted. I think this
would have been easier if I had a sibling (adopted) because I'd have
someone to be "different" with, someone who would understand what this
feels like." For transracially/transculturally adopted children, being
the only one of their heritage in their family might add to the challenge
of forming a positive identity, but certainly not one that is insurmountable.
WHEN THE ONLY HAS SIBLINGS
All adopted children think about their birth parents and fantasize about
what they are like, especially those with limited or no information.
The fantasy may certainly include siblings. Joanne, 20, adopted
at as an infant says, "Oh yes, I sometimes fantasized that my birth parents
eventually married and went on to have children - a boy and a girl. I
daydreamed a lot about them." Indeed, when a child's adoption story includes
information about full or half siblings living with birth family
and/or other adoptive families, (and is shared in an age-appropriate
manner), powerful as that is for any adopted child, it can certainly
have special significance for an only child in an adoptive family.
And of course, an only child in an open adoption where the birth
parents are parenting the child's siblings.or who has siblings living
in other adoptive or foster homes (usually children adopted internationally
and from foster care)-may experience a range of both positive and challenging
feelings related to these sibling relationships including excitement,
frustration, jealousy, and rejection.- For
more on the subject of siblings, read Ellen's article "Sibling Bonds
and Separations."
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
It is critically important for adoptive parents of only children to
acknowledge and "resolve" any feelings of loss and guilt related to their
family structure. When parents are conflicted, they may not give their
children permission to express feelings of loss, sadness or anger and/or
permission to ask questions related to the desire for siblings.
Instead, parents can emphasize that there is no one right way to be
a family while acknowledging and validating their child's feelings and
giving honest and age-appropriate answers to their child's questions. "I
understand you wish you had a sister/brother. Most of your friends and
classmates do. It was a huge undertaking - in every way- to get you from
Russia and we just didn't feel we could do it again. We are so happy
to be your parents. I think we are a pretty great family." It may also
be helpful to explore with your child what he thinks it would be like
to have siblings.
Parents of onlies need to be aware of the potential for committing what
Carolyn White calls "the common sins of parenting only children" in her
book with that title, The Seven Common Sins of Parenting Only Children .
Often motivated by feelings of guilt and or/loss, these sins include "overcompensation,
overindulgence, unrealistic or high expectations, and overprotection." All
adoptive parents are already at risk for these parenting mistakes if
they are grappling with issues related to feelings of loss, guilt and
entitlement (the right to parent a child.)
All adopted children benefit from relationships with other adopted children
and adoptive families. For transracially/transculturally adopted children/teens,
having close relationships with other children/teens/adults who share
their heritage (adopted and non-adopted!) can help to mitigate potentially
challenging feelings related to not having any family member who shares
their heritage.
Only children should know that the trend toward families with one child
is on the rise. Acknowledging and validating any negative feelings your
child may have does not preclude helping your child identify the many
positive aspects of being an only child family.
RESOURCES:
Parenting an Only child: the Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One
and Only by Susan Newman
The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child: A Guide for Parents
and Families by Carolyn White
The Open Adoption Experience by Sharon Kaplan and Lois Melina
www.onlychild.com
Back to top
A Parent's Cry
By
Daphne Saunders-Houston, M.S.W.
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
Counselor and Coordinator of Adoptive Families Preservation Project program in
Virginia
Have you ever heard a parent's cry? We are so accustomed to the cry
of babies waiting to be fed, the cry of toddlers not wanting to be placed
in a stroller, the cries of school age children in Wal-Mart wanting the
fat color markers for school supplies and the cry of teenagers who want
to wear the coolest and "fresh like that" outfits and not to be told
they look adorable.
Here in the Burke, Virginia office, I have heard the cries of many parents
who are crying out to have their children seen for post adoption
services. On May 16, 2006 , the cry of a single mother was heard.
Ms. G (as we will call her) telephoned to inquire about counseling
and group services for her 12 ½ year old adoptive daughter. Her
concerns were that Stacey was experiencing behavioral problems
of defiance, i.e. lying, stealing, obsession with boys, and
skipping classes. Ms. G. immediately shared Stacey's strengths of being
respectful toward her mother, funny, affectionate and smart. Ms. G. feared
that Stacey's behavior would spin out of control as did her older biological
brother who was also adopted. His adoption was disrupted and
he was placed in residential programs and is currently incarcerated for
robbery. In Ms. G's own words, "I
have to save my baby." Ms. G. immediately scheduled an intake appointment
which was cancelled and rescheduled due to employment limitations
and personal commitments. Finally, once an appointment was made
she remained steadfast in the standard Friday schedule at 3:00pm,
despite every other weekend custody visitation with the adoptive
father in Woodbridge, VA. The rapport between Stacey and I was with
minimal obstacles. She shared her perception of when her troubles
began and her desire to change her inappropriate behaviors and strive
for a successful school year. Stacey expressed loss of family due to
a divorce and displacement of "Daddy's
little girl" due
to stepchildren, half siblings and a feeling of "how are we truly related
if I am adopted." Her issues of identity were prevalent in sessions
and creative outlets and exercises allowed her to explore her
feelings of trust and security. After five months, Stacey and mom continued
to work in family sessions. A behavioral contract addressing
skill building in areas of self control was implemented during
the alternate weekends at mom's house and will be reinvented
for the school year. Stacey has made some progress with her hoarding
and during her August individual session she immediately took responsibility
for logging on to "myspace.com" without
permission. Ms. G. is also learning some parenting strategies
such as "Catch
Stacey Being Good" which appears to reduce the struggles in the home.
In an email she wrote, "I am really excited to find your organization
and my daughter was really excited that we may be able to find
some peace." The
Adoptive Family Preservation project helps a parent's cry turn
into tears of joy.
ASK ELLEN
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
DEAR ELLEN,
We are the parents of a precious three year old girl. We have a semi-closed
adoption in that we send pictures and letters once a year, but my daughter's
birth mother is now asking for visits - we don't know what to do. At
the time of the adoption, we told the birth mother that we would have
our daughter meet her when she was 18, or at least older. She accepted
this and we can't figure out why she is doing this now. While, we don't
want to hurt the birth mother, we certainly don't' want to hurt our daughter.
What should we do? When is the right time for a child to meet her birth
parents?
Many professionals in the field of adoption have opinions about when
the "right time" is for permitting contact between children and their
birth parents. Some will say wait until the child asks for contact, wait
until the child is mature enough to decide if she wants the contact,
wait until adolescence, don't do it in adolescence, wait until the child
is an adult, and of course, others support the concept of open adoption
in which the relationship is there right from the beginning of the adoption.
In my experience, many times an adoption is "closed" or "semi-closed" only
because the birth parents did not have appropriate education about the
choices they are entitled to make. Many prospective adoptive parents
are willing to have an open relationship and work with the birthparents
to develop a plan that is amenable to all. Sometimes the crisis of an
unintended pregnancy and the accompanying grief make it difficult for
some birth parents to imagine that they would ever want post-placement
contact. They might believe that it would be too painful for them, or
interfere with their desire to "get on" with their lives.
Adoptive parents need to understand that for some birth parents, it
is only after they have given birth to the child that they experience
all the feelings of loss and grief surrounding the decision to place
the child for adoption. They may still believe that placement of their
child is the right plan for themselves and the child, but may also realize
that they are willing to embrace a common fact in today's adoption practice
---that not being able to parent doesn't mean not being able to have
a relationship with the child and the adoptive family. For birth parents
who ask for contact in the ensuing years after the birth, it is likely
that they feel emotionally ready to face the challenges involved in having
a relationship with their birth child and the adoptive family.
Of course, helping everyone adjust to changed expectations for the relationship
can be emotionally challenging and difficult. But these challenges do
not have to be insurmountable. Oftentimes professional intervention with
an adoption speacialist , which we provide at C.A.S.E., can help both
families come together and develop this unique but important relationship.
With increased knowledge of the needs of adopted children, adoptive and
birth families can better understand how their relationship can help
them each fulfill their roles in meeting those needs.
In our next newsletter, I will address preparing children for contact
with birth parents.
Back to top
