CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - April 2007

In this issue

Helping Adopted Teens Connect with Other Adopted Teens

The Decision to Search

A recent media story about an adult adoptee, who stands to inherit 3.5 million dollars because her birth mother was heir to the Jell-O fortune, led to a request to C.A.S.E. for an interview from the Lisa Birnbach radio show in New York . The topic of the interview was search and reunion in adoption, focusing mainly on the reception adult adoptees receive from birth family members when they are found. Guest host, Diane Dimond wanted to know, "Why do some birth family members reject the adoptee? Are there any happy reunion stories?"

For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Elizabeth McNabb found her birthmother almost 20 years ago and continued a relationship with her birthmother until her birthmother's death in 2003. Elizabeth also had a relationship with two half-sisters. A trust for the birth mother's descendants is to be split between McNabb and two half sisters. The contested inheritance decision was, of course, around whether McNabb is entitled to be considered a descendant since she had been "adopted out." The decision to grant McNabb the money will likely be appealed and may remain in court contention for some time. While of course, this is an extreme situation - the kind that draws media attention, the story provided an opportunity to provide accurate information about what happens in search and reunion.

The fact is that what happens in search and reunion is, of course, not a one size fits all phenomenon. The complexity of emotion around searching, being found and in reunion cannot be understated and is uniquely individual. (Respect for individual decisions around search and reunion cannot be overemphasized, including the decision not to search.) There are however, many common concerns, fears, and questions that all members of the adoption circle may have. It is therefore very important for adoption circle members to understand these feelings so that they are able to be properly prepared for this often life-transforming experience.

Birthmothers who are contacted by the adoptee may have reactions of alarm because they have kept the birth and relinquishment of the adoptee a secret from their families and were assured of complete confidentiality at the time of placement. They may have many fears about the impact this contact will have on their current family - especially children they are parenting. They may fear the judgments of extended family members or friends. Contact with the adoptee may bring them back into a past that is filled with painful memories. This was Sara's (31) experience when she made contact with her birth mother. While she and her birth mother had several visits over the course of a few years, the birth mother ultimately decided to cease contact with Sara. She made it clear to Sara that this was necessary to protect her secret. While deeply disappointing and painful for Sara, she does not regret her decision to search. In addition to the invaluable information that she obtained, including medical history, Sara felt that meeting her birth mother helped her to gain a sense of peace.

Sometimes the initial reaction of distress can be worked through to allow for the contact to occur and relationships to develop. Andy's (27) experience was quite different from Sara's. Andy's birth mother was initially reluctant to meet him. However, after the exchange of phone calls over a period of a few weeks, she invited Andy to visit (she lived in another state.) She introduced Andy to his grandparents and two brothers who lived in different states. They wound up developing a very comfortable, enjoyable relationship. She helped Andy to meet his birth father and the birth father's family as well.

Doug's (33) birth mother, on the other hand was immediately thrilled when he contacted her. They arranged to meet right away. She told Doug that she herself did not initiate a search because she did not feel she had the right to do so and had many concerns around "intruding on Doug's life." This sentiment is not an uncommon one experienced by many birth parents.

Aside from the practical aspects related to obtaining information, including state laws related to assistance in the process, it is not unusual at all for there to be many starts and stops in the searching process on the part of both birth parents and adoptees because of the intense emotions involved. Fear, fantasy, excitement, sadness, and frustration can all be part of the search process. Like Andy's birthmother, adoptees, too, may worry about intruding on the privacy of their birth parents which could result in rejection. Michelle (35) had these fears. Michelle had placed her name on an international adoption reunion registry. While she longed to meet her birth parents, she had concluded that her birth parents were probably not interested in meeting her since she had made it easy for them to find her and they had not done so. As she came to understand the complex emotions birth parents may experience, she decided to resume her search 10 years after her initial attempt.

Most adoptees and birth parents have understandable concerns around what they will find if their search is successful. Will the birth parent/adoptee be someone they can relate to? Will their expectations post-reunion match? - E.g. birth mother wants more of a relationship than the adoptee does or visa versa? Melanie (31) liked her birth mother but did not feel they really "clicked." They were so different in terms of their values, interests and beliefs. While she wanted to maintain contact, she could tell that her birth mother was disappointed in the level of closeness that they had. Sam (36) discovered that his birth mother was deceased. Coming to terms with this knowledge was very difficult. However, he went on to develop relationships with his birth siblings and maternal aunt who were able to give him the gift of learning about his birth mother through their stories and memories.

When it comes to search and reunion, many adoptees - even as adults, still feel that old loyalty conflict between their love for the adoptive family and interest in their birth family. Even when their adoptive parents have not expressed anything to suggest they are feeling threatened by their child's actions, the adoptee may be reluctant to meet their own needs if it means hurting the adoptive parent. In her very first counseling session, Lynn (29) clearly stated her intent to involve her mother in the counseling process at some point, in order to help her mother avoid feeling "left out." "I can see my mother already thinking, - 'if she finds her birth mother, will she be spending next Thanksgiving with her instead of me'?" Support by adoptive parents is so important during search and reunion. If adoptive parents are feeling upset, it is imperative that they seek assistance so that they can be counted on to be there for their child. It is also important to note that while some adoptive parents may have a knee-jerk reaction of fear and jealousy, the fact is that many adoptive parents' fears of search/reunion reflect concern for their child, not themselves. They may have the same fears that their children have. Sara's mother did not want her daughter to be hurt -- from rejection by the birth parents, or by learning something painful about her birth parents. She was afraid of "the unknown." As with all parents of adult children, the challenge is learning how to communicate concern while maintaining respect for an adult child's need and right to make their own decisions.

ADDRESSING THE NEEDS

Given the normal, predictable, sometimes challenging and overwhelming emotions involved in search and reunion, it makes sense that preparation for all parties is key. While the party who is searching can find appropriate counseling and support groups through the process, the party who is found usually has had no preparation for the contact. Hopefully, once contacted, that party can locate resources to help them process this new opportunity and help them to make thoughtful decisions about how to proceed. Whereas adoptees who are found may have the support of adoptive parents, siblings and friends, when it is the birth parent who is found, if they have kept the adoption a secret, they may have few sources of support. It becomes even more important in these circumstances to find support. Some adoptees and birth parents may use a third party to make the contact on their behalf. Some states have confidential intermediaries who not only make the contact, but can assist both the party who is searching and the party who is contacted to process their feelings and support them through the process. Some adoptees and birth parents in reunion decide to get to know each other slowly by phone calls, letters and e-mails before arranging a face-to-face meeting. Of course, others arrange to not only meet each other, but meet extended family as well. It is not at all unusual to need ongoing support and counseling for guidance in working out the nuances of these new relationships and incorporating them into one's life. Support is certainly needed when, after reunion, one party wants to continue the contact, and the other does not.

Whatever the outcome, as is always the case in adoption, support is key. It is validating to talk to others about your experience and know you are not alone in the unique journey of search and reunion. Below are a number of resources for locating support in your area as well as recommended reading.

RESOURCES

American Adoption Congress
www.americanadoptioncongress.org

Concerned United Birth Parents
www.cubirthparents.org

Adoptee-Birthparent Support Network ( Maryland , Virginia, D.C.)
adoptee-birthparentsupportnetwork.org

Adoption Crossroads
www.adoptioncrossroads.org

Child Welfare Information Gateway (formerly National Adoption Information Clearinghouse) www.childwelfare.gov

Birth Bond: Reunions Between Birth Parents and Adoptees - What Happens After by Judith Gediman and Linda Brown

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search, Reunion and Beyond by Julie Jarrell Bailey and Lynn Giddens

The Family of Adoption by Joyce Pavao

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky and Marshall Schechter

Searching For The Past: The Adopted Adult's Unique Perspective by Jayne Schooler

The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children For Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade by Ann Fessler

Courageous Blessing: Adoptive Parents and the Search by Carol Demuth

Helping Adopted Teens Connect with Other Adopted Teens
By Debbie B. Riley

As adolescents face the normal developmental challenges of figuring out who they are as well separating and becoming more independent from their parents, peer relationships take on special importance in their lives. Teens will turn to their peers for the attention, intimacy, emotional support, and entertainment that used to be more of the parents' domain.

Friendships at any age are usually based on commonalities such as shared values, interests, and often times unexplainable "chemistry." While adopted teens do connect with teens who are not adopted, the extra layer of challenges that adoption poses for many teens is usually something nonadopted friends may have little knowledge of and/or ability to empathize with. People of any age often appreciate the ability to relate to people who really "get them." The vulnerability of adolescence makes this need critical.

Finding other adoptees to befriend may not be easy. Some teens may be lucky enough to have found friends on their own who are also part of adoptive families - either through neighbors, school, extracurricular activities including sports, the arts, religious affiliated youth groups, part-time jobs, etc. - all the places teens tend to make friends. If your child has not been so lucky, you may have to help create those opportunities. Some families may have once participated in some type of adoptive family support group, but many families often drop out as their children grow older and lose interest in participating, concentrating instead on other activities and relationships. Reconnecting with old friends from those groups, however, may be a wise thing to do - e.g. invite some of the former families for a "reunion" dinner.

Although such friendships offer many benefits, they do not guarantee open or helpful communication about adoption. Too often, teens may not even be able to understand or articulate feelings related to adoption and/or even know how to constructively help each other cope with these feelings and concerns. Providing teens with the opportunity to engage in meaningful interactions with other adopted teens can alleviate the isolation, confusion, and feelings of being different that may surface during the teen years.

Programs for Adopted Teens

Over the years, a variety of activities have been established within the adoption community to bring adopted teens together. These activities range from a two hour workshop that only meets one time to full-day or even week-end conferences/retreats. There are summer camp/culture camp programs. For many adopted teens, participation in on-going group counseling or even a time-limited support group comprised of adopted adolescents and led by a therapist or counselor trained in adoption issues also offers a distinct advantage.

Teen Support Groups

Support groups for teens can provide a unique milieu for growth and emotional healing. Facilitated by experienced mental health professionals whose expertise is adoption and adolescence, the therapeutic atmosphere created in group work can help to release the stigma and secrecy that all too often surrounds adoption in the teen's world. Adopted teens can find others who likely have had similar experiences and share feelings related to their adoption experience. For many adopted teens, the primary support of the group provides a decrease in the feeling of isolation. Kiesha, age 13 said after being in a teen support group, "I always felt like I was the only one who ever thought about what it would be like to someday meet my birthmother. What a relief it was to find that other kids thought this too." Teen groups can also reinforce the universality of adoption. Dan, age 15 said that he never knew that there were more than 1 million people in the United States who were adopted! He learned this from an educational discussion about adoption in his group. Rene, age 14, who participated in a teen group, commented that the group helped her to learn about other teens' adoption stories. "Many of the kids in my group struggled with not having information about why we were placed for adoption. I had so much anger about this. The group helped me to get in touch with the source of my anger and figure it all out."

Typically, groups are time limited, conducted over a period of usually 8-10 weeks and occur weekly for 1.5-2 hours in duration. Teens tend to benefit from co-ed groups as this reflects their current social sphere. The consensus in the clinical literature is that the size for interactional groups is approximately 7-8 participants. Groups are also designed to meet the needs of a specific age group. Depending on the maturity level of a particular teen, support groups may have separate groups for 13-15 yr olds and groups for 16-18 year olds.

Parents who are seeking a group for their teen often want to have them attend specialized groups related to the type of adoption they have, i.e. Children placed from foster care, teens place from a particular birth country etc. Our experience has proven that the richness of a heterogeneous group is preferable. Adopted children and teens benefit from learning about different types of adoption experiences and knowing they are part of the larger adoption community. If this is a first time group experience for your teen, it would be beneficial to locate a specific adoption group which has a "curriculum" that is adoption focused. In order to increase the likelihood that participation in a group will be a positive experience for a teen and to help ensure the "right fit," a careful assessment is conducted by the group therapist before the teen joins the group. Adoption support groups typically focus on topics of importance to all adolescents, such as friendships, relationships, dating, and sexuality, as well as those issues of special significance to adoptees.

If your teen resists the idea of joining a group, he or she may be persuaded to come one time to meet with the group therapist to learn more about what the group will be like, what topics will be discussed, and that there will be other teens just like them there. This might be enough to convince them to try one meeting. They may also want to talk with someone who is already in the group, or someone who has participated in one. Whatever the avenue, helping teens connect with other adopted teens can be extremely beneficial. and should be explored with your teen.

Finding Resources In Your Community

The availability of programs for adopted teens varies from community to community. The list below will provide you with some resources to begin to map out what is present in your area.

1. Contact national/local adoption support groups/networks such as Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoptions, (FRUA), Korean American Adoptee Adoptive Family Network (KANN) Families Adopting Children from China (FCC), local foster care parent groups.

2. Contact local adoption agencies to learn what they offer or for referrals to teen programs in the community.

3. Contact your respective State Adoption Managers through your local child welfare agency to access their list of resources.

4. Child Welfare Information Gateway (formerly The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse) www.childwelfare.gov is another excellent resource.

5. The North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) www.nacac.org offers parent groups across the country and may have access to community resources for teens.

6. Contact specialized adoption support centers like C.A.S.E., which are in some communities across the country. The Center for Family Connections (www.kinnect.org), Casey Family Services ( www.caseyfamilyservices.org ), The Kinship Center ( www.kinshipcenter.org )

7. Local therapists who specialize in adoption may also conduct groups for teens.