CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - August 2007

In this issue

When friends and teachers acknowledge adoption as a positive way to build families
Back to School with Confidence
Dive in and Volunteer! Come to C.A.S.E.'s End-of-Summer Pool Party
Bringing Smiles to New Families
AF Magazine Annual Photo Contest Now Open
Ask Ellen

When friends and teachers acknowledge adoption as a positive way to build families Students feel supported and school performance may be enhanced

By Judith Madden, Ph.D.
Educator Training and Development Specialist
College Summit, Washington , D.C.

It's August, and teachers everywhere are gearing up for the start of school. Many are focusing already on the strategies they will use to build rapport with their students and create a cohesive class culture. They're eager to forge a welcoming atmosphere in which students get to know one another quickly.

This level of comfort fosters a sense of community and enhances learning. Parents of adopted children can play a vital role in helping teachers plan opening and year-round activities that are comfortable, positive, and engaging for all children.

Eager to give students opportunities to shine and to make learning relevant, teachers are often unaware of how some school assignments or discussions may affect youngsters who have joined their families through adoption. Parents can be very helpful in graciously helping teachers understand the unique perspectives of adoptive families. Expanding educators' awareness is crucial, for research suggests that school climate plays a significant role in how an adopted child feels about himself and his family. An adopted youngster's self-acceptance is stronger when friends and teachers acknowledge adoption as a way to build families, and feeling supported may even enhance school performance. Supporting adopted children is beneficial not only for adopted children, however. Schools that are committed to creating a warm and welcoming atmosphere for adoptive families convey genuine respect for individual and family differences. When all students and their families are valued by the school community, learning can flourish.

The Center for Adoption Support and Education, Inc. (C.A.S.E.) has developed an outstanding resource for educators entitled, S.A.F.E. at School: A Manual for Teachers and Counselors. The S.A.F.E. Manual is brimming with tested strategies for creating a positive environment for adoptive families. Educators wishing to purchase the manual or to participate in professional development addressing the needs of adopted children should contact C.A.S.E. at (301) 476-8525.

At the beginning of a busy school year, even the most well intentioned teachers may be too busy to take the time to explore the S.A.F.E. Manual. Parents eager to inform teachers about adoption related issues should recognize the time constraints teachers face in September and think about how to introduce key concepts without overwhelming school staff. The tips for parents below provide some guidance about how best to approach adoption topics as school starts. They are followed by some straightforward suggestions that can be shared with teachers to help them effectively support adoptive families.

Parents

Assume you and your child's teacher(s) share an interest in having your youngster succeed in school.
Remember that your child's teacher(s) may not be well informed about adoption, but may still care very much about your son or daughter.
Approach school staff with an attitude that communicates respect and a willingness to work collaboratively.
Make an appointment to talk with your child's teacher(s) about adoption and your child's adoption story when it is mutually convenient. Request an opportunity to talk privately as well as with ample time for discussion.
Offer to assemble resources for school staff about adoption. Resources may include reading material, websites, and contact information for C.A.S.E. and other community agencies familiar with the needs of adopted youngsters and their families.
Share any concerns you have about how your child's adoption story may emerge in school and strategize with the teacher(s) about how to handle issues that arise.
Include other key professionals, as appropriate. You may choose to inform and involve the school counselor, nurse, administrator, athletic coach, special educator, etc.
Inform your child's teacher(s) and other school staff of changes occurring in the family - whether directly related to adoption or not - that might affect school performance. Talk together about how best to support your child during these transitions periods.

Educators

Be aware of your own perceptions and attitudes toward adoption, then gather the information you need to extend your knowledge and ensure that your opinions are based on fact.
Communicate your openness to learning about adoption. Equip yourself with the knowledge and resources you need to serve as a source of information and support around adoption.
Remember that each child's understanding of adoption will vary based on age and developmental level, family experiences, emotional maturity, and many other complex factors.
Recognize that adoptive parents differ in their comfort with talking about adoption in general and their child's adoption story in particular.
Invite all parents to share pertinent information about their children and to be your partner in fostering school success.
Welcome adoptive parents who choose to share their children's adoption stories with you and listen to those stories with respect.
Communicate frequently with adoptive families, as you do with any family. Be sure to let parents know if you are concerned about a child's conversations, behaviors, or anything else related to the adoption process.
Normalize adoptive families as one of many kinds of families. Routinely include information about and for adoptive families in materials you distribute to students and families.
Think about the impact on adopted children of lessons, discussions, activities, and assignments you are planning.
Provide alternatives to assignments that may be difficult for adopted children who may be sensitive to requests for family background, childhood memories or photographs, family relationships, or other requirements that may make an adopted child uncomfortable.
Use "teachable moments" to offer accurate information about adoption to all of your students. Whenever possible and appropriate, integrate adoption themes into lessons across the curriculum.
Support adopted children when classmates ask unwanted questions or make comments about adoption. Remind others that it is okay to talk positively about adoption generally, but that the specifics of an individual's adoption experience are private.
Learn and use positive adoption language. Resources from C.A.S.E. and other sources can help all educators embrace nonjudgmental vocabulary.
Advocate for creating a safe school environment for adoptive families and for all the families whose children you are educating.

A growing body of research suggests that when schools cultivate social and emotional health, students thrive. As parents and educators collaborate to support adoptive families, they create a nurturing, emotionally healthy environment in which all youngsters are valued and engaged. Pledge to begin the 2007-2008 school year working in partnership with your child's teachers and other school staff to forge the kind of school community in which everyone is respected, safe, and ready to learn.

Dr. Madden served for 20 years as an educator with the Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS). She has been an award winning school counselor, pupil personnel worker, and Supervisor of School Counseling Services in MCPS. After retiring from the school system she worked as the program director of N*COMMON, the multicultural mental health program of the Mental Health Association of Montgomery County (MHA). She left MHA in August 2007 to join the national staff of College Summit.

Back to School with Confidence

by Margie Perscheid

Although the calendar and thermometer say it's summer, the back-to-school ads on TV prove that summer's days are numbered. Our thoughts are turning to school, and we parents are undoubtedly starting to wonder what this new school year has in store for our children.

Like all parents, we adoptive parents want our children to have the best possible school experience. We work to find good schools, we ensure that their teachers are giving them a quality education, and we monitor their friendships to ensure that they're healthy. We do all we can to make sure our children's educational, social and emotional needs are met. But making sure that schools meet their adoption needs is a different challenge altogether.

Our children's educators may have had no formal training in adoption, and may themselves not understand adoption process, relationships, and emotional impacts correctly. Worse still, teachers and classmates alike may have formed their impressions of adoption from what they see in the media or in TV sitcoms. And although we like to believe that TV is catching up, I assure you it's not.

Just the other day, sitting in the kitchen watching a sitcom with my 16-year-old daughter, Mara, we heard one character insult another this way: "You're adopted and Mom and Dad don't love you!" I immediately turned to Mara, who feigned indifference. But her body language told me otherwise. It hurt.

We'll never be able to control everything the world dishes out to our kids. But we can look ahead to the possible experiences they may encounter to smooth their paths. School gives us an excellent opportunity to do that. Our children will spend in the neighborhood of 17,000 hours of their young lives in school. The time we spend educating our children's educators will be well worth the effort.

There's no single right way to do this, but I can share some ideas taken from my family's experience.

Know your child's school
Before our children ever set foot in their schools, we should visit to get to know the environment. Are the administrators and teachers welcoming? Do they show you around with pride? Are they willing to share test scores and demographic information, the latter of particular importance to transracial adoptive families? Will they be open to understanding the importance of adoption in our children's lives? In short, do you get good vibes?

Know your child's teachers
Make an appointment to visit your child's new teachers before the school year begins, even if it's only for a few minutes to introduce yourself. Having been a teacher myself back in the day, I know the power of a visit from parents, and the great help it was to talk directly to them, one-on-one, about their children's specific needs. The time for that discussion isn't back-to-school night, it's before the school year even begins, or as close to it as possible.

Be an educator
Because we can't presume to know a teacher's perspective on adoption, it's best for us to assume the role of adoption educator. My approach was to put a packet of adoption information together at the beginning of each school year for each of my children's base teachers. I labeled it with the names of all of the teachers and counselors on that year's team, and included a note asking them to read the material, pass it on, and to call me if they had any questions. This packet always came back to me with thank-yous, which told me that the information was helping raise awareness among the teachers. C.A.S.E.'s S.A.F.E. at School would be a great resource to include in such a packet.

Be vigilant
Almost every adopted adult I know has told me that they never told their adoptive parents about instances of teasing or uncomfortable assignments for fear of hurting them - and that's all the more reason for us to ask. Knowing about difficult projects well before they're due will allow us to help our kids and their teachers adjust the projects or to find alternatives. Recognizing that teasing has occurred, even when our children want to handle the situations themselves, keeps the lines of communication open, and this alone may be enough to help our children through the inevitable rough patches.

Be creative
Teachers work hard. A full day of teaching followed by an evening of grading papers and planning lessons can be exhausting. When we come to our children's teachers looking for alternatives to emotionally-challenging assignments (like family trees or histories) we should bring along a few ideas. They'll help our children and those who follow, too. If you can't think of any idea to bring, take the time to meet with your child's teacher to discuss your concerns and brainstorm alternatives together.

All of these really speak to being committed and involved. There's really no way to predict exactly what adoption issues might or might not arise at school. Being ready to actively address them is the best support we can give our children.

I'm approaching this year's return to school with a little more nostalgia than usual. Our son, Paul, leaves for college in two weeks. Just as his thoughts are all in the future, mine are much in the past. I remember that first day of kindergarten so clearly - walking down the street to school with Paul in his new sneakers and backpack. Without question, the teachers and counselors who appreciated the educational importance of understanding adoption have helped him develop the confidence that will take him through college and into adult life.

Margie Perscheid is the adoptive mother of two Korean teens. She is co-founder of Korean Focus (www.koreanfocus.org), a Korean families support organization in metro DC, with chapters in Northern Maryland, Cincinnati , Seattle , and Indianapolis . Margie thinks out loud on her blog Third Mom (thirdmom.blogspot.com). She, her husband Ralf, and children Paul and Mara live in Alexandria, Virginia . Contact Margie at mperscheid@koreanfocus.org.

Dive in and Volunteer! Come to C.A.S.E.'s End-of-Summer Pool Party

by Carol Rollinson

Are you a data entry whiz? Love graphics and design? Great at planning events, or prefer to set-up and tear down? Do you know how to find sponsors, goods and donations? Are you a natural at PR and advocacy? Do you like helping out with special projects and mailings?

C.A.S.E. is always looking for friends to help us raise awareness and funding for our specialized programs, trainings and publications. We consider all abilities to be hidden diamonds that are waiting to be uncovered! There is so much to do!

Please join us, Sunday, September 23 at C.A.S.E. Founder Kathleen Dugan's home from 2-4 pm in Laurel, MD. We'll kick off our shoes, have a few laughs, enjoy good food, drinks and company and work together to come up with some great ideas.

For details and directions, please email me at carol47del@verizon.net by Aug. 16 or call 301-476-8525 ext. 16.

Bringing Smiles to New Families

Imagine the smiles that a photo album, a stuffed animal, a few toys and games, and a wonderful book about adoption can bring to the faces of a newly formed family.

That's exactly what the Jewish Child Care Association does for adoptive families connected to its Circle of Support groups -part of JCCA's extensive program to encourage and support foster parents who adopt children.

Run by Millie Rivera and Angela Johnson (both adoptive foster parents), the groups allow parents to share experiences, discuss triumphs and challenges and to access expert help with "the ins and outs" of foster parenting and adopting.

C.A.S.E. is proud that our publications, W.I.S.E. Up!, The Whole Me, SAFE at School and Beneath the Maskwere selected to be included in the beautiful Adoption Baskets. (JCCA's Foster Home Services also provides Comfort Baskets to children entering foster homes.)

For information about JCCA, contact Richard Hucke at Hucker@jccany.org . To find out how your 7 February, 2008 special rates, call Glenda Reyes at 301-476-8525 or email caseadopt@adoptionsupport.org .

AF Magazine Annual Photo Contest Now Open

Grand prize winners will be featured in November and will win digital cameras and photo packages from Sears Portrait Studio.

If you haven't read AF, pick up a copy. Be sure to read C.A.S.E. Executive Director Debbie Riley's monthly article. Subscribe or renew using the link on this newsletter and AF will donate $5 to C.A.S.E.!

Start snapping those cute pictures now, the deadline is Sept. 10, 2007. Good Luck!

ASK ELLEN
By Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education

My nine-year-old daughter is friends with a girl who lives in our neighborhood. The other day, we were looking at family pictures and I pointed out that one was taken in New York , where my daughter was born. The friend said, "Born? But I thought she was adopted?" I was startled by this remark but hid my surprise and explained what adoption means. I would think that by age nine, all children would have a greater understanding of adoption. I wondered if she was trying to hurt my daughter in some way.

Understanding what adoption means is confusing even for children who were adopted. A child's adoption story involves concepts that are very complex to understand - it involves experiences related to sexuality/reproduction, birth, adult circumstances/adult problems, loss, grief, sadness, to name a few. Normal ambivalent feelings about being adopted - with accompanying feelings of fear and insecurity -often occur as adopted children struggle with understanding that they have "lost" significant people.

However, as adopted children strive to make sense of why this fact of their lives occurred, it is usually balanced by the ongoing experience of being part of a loving family. Put simply, whatever challenging feelings adopted children have about adoption, these challenges do not typically compromise their love and attachment to their parents.

Without the experience of knowing what it is like to "be adopted," what it feels like to be raised by parents who did not give birth to you, non-adopted children cannot be expected to have the same "understanding" of the adoption experience as adopted children do.

A lack of understanding may result in normal curiosity. When Valerie Kunsman, who facilitates the C.A.S.E. Kids Adoption Network groups, asks children, "If I said I was from Alaska , what would you say to me?" Most often, children say they would ask questions like, ' Did you live in an igloo? Have you seen polar bears? Is it really cold there?' This exercise helps children understand that the adoption-related questions that non-adopted children ask them, may be the result of simple curiosity about something they know little about.

However, without being able to understand the love/relationship between adoptees and their parents, for some non-adopted children, the idea that a child can "lose" the parents who gave birth to them is confusing and sometimes frightening. They may imagine "losing" their own parents. Consequently, they are likely to conclude that adoption is a bad thing, and may even feel sorry for anyone they know who was adopted. Some of us may remember stories of siblings who teased or tried to upset a sister or brother by telling them they were adopted.

When children are frightened by something different, it is not unusual for them to want to comfort themselves by distancing themselves from the different person. This is not unlike how children react to a person with a physical disability. Children may distance through teasing, bullying in extreme cases, and other rejecting behavior. In these situations, the questions about adoption are not 'innocent.'

This is why it so vitally important that ALL children receive education about adoptive families. Accurate information and support for adopted children and their families can preempt fear and misconceptions from turning into prejudice. C.A.S.E. has developed two programs to address these issues. The S.A.F.E. at School in-service training program(link) helps educators learn how to create a positive environment about adoption in their schools - teaching children accurate information about adoptive families; protecting adopted children from potentially hurtful comments/questions from other students, etc. The W.I.S.E. Up! program(link) empowers adopted children to address those unwanted questions and comments. A nine year old who knows W.I.S.E. Up! might have felt comfortable answering her friend herself, possibly saying something like -"Jennifer, being adopted doesn't mean you're not born! I was born to my birth parents and then my parents adopted me."

To learn more about what adopted and non-adopted children understand about adoption at different ages, check out the resource page on this website for "Children's Understanding of Adoption - Adopted vs. Non-Adopted."