January 2007
In this issue
NON-TRADITIONAL FAMILY BUILDING : DONOR INSEMINATION/EGG/EMBRYO
DONATION AND
SURROGACY
From Discord to Harmony: The Impact of Temperament in Adoptive
Family Relationships
ASK ELLEN
At C.A.S.E. we are seeing
more and more families looking for support who have built
their families through donor insemination, egg/embryo donation and surrogacy.
This type of family building has important similarities to adoptive families.
Like adoption, this method of family building can be equally
complex and may require the same level of specialized supports that the
adoption field could provide.
NON-TRADITIONAL FAMILY BUILDING : DONOR INSEMINATION/EGG/EMBRYO
DONATION AND SURROGACY
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
There has been recent attention in the media to alternative family building
methods. There were two articles in the Washington Post - one
by the daughter of a single mother who found her donor dad, and another
by a man who helped his friend and her partner to have a child. While
their issues are personal and complex, there are many similarities in
the feelings they expressed to those feelings commonly described by some
adopted persons and birth parents. In the first article, the young woman
longs for information about her "donor dad" and is driven to meet him,
which she winds up being able to do. Wishing for a relationship, she
finds that her "donor dad" is somewhat overwhelmed and not sure what
he wants. In the second article, the "donor dad" enjoys a very positive,
loving relationship with the daughter he helped to conceive and her two
mothers, much like birth parents in an open adoption relationship with
adoptive parents.
Lois Melina writes in Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent's Guide: Conversations
and activities for families formed through adoption, donor insemination,
surrogacy, and in vitro fertilization , "This book is for those
parents who made a decision to become the legal parents of a child
genetically unrelated to them, regardless of whether legal action was
necessary for them to do so. It is for families who meet the dictionary's
definition of adoption - to take and treat as one's own - regardless
of whether they meet a court's definition." Although not 'traditional'
adoptive families, Melina states that the children in these families
have the same rights to honesty and knowledge of their beginnings as
do adoptees.
Medical, legal and other professionals often minimize the importance
of the donor men and women, reducing them to just "sperm" or "egg." In
counseling parents they advise the parents that it is their choice to
tell or not to tell their children about their conception. This practice
is much like what happened in adoption 40 years ago, when the shame/stigma
of adoption called for secrecy as well. Adoptive parents could pretend
their families were no different than biological families. Feelings around
the loss of having children by birth and fears around their children's
birth parents could be denied. Secrecy reflected the belief that children
needed protection from painful feelings related to adoption.
The adoption field, of course, moved forward. Today's adoptive parents
are told that one of their most important parenting tasks is to be open
with their child about their adoption experience and help support their
children to express and cope with feelings related to being adopted.
Adoption is a fact of their lives that they must embrace, not be shielded
from. Parents are taught that their children are entitled to age-appropriate
information and should know everything that the parents know about their
adoption story by the time they "leave home." - even difficult history
including drug abuse, mental illness, rape, etc. In domestic, international,
kinship adoption - secrecy is not recommended.
At C.A.S.E., we help adoptive parents to overcome their fears and teach
them how to give their children permission to have and express their
feelings about birth parents (known or unknown!) which include interest,
sadness and anger about their loss, and love! Similarly, parents of donor-assisted
families must work through their possible feelings: of shame, and loss
around infertility, not sharing a biological tie with their children,
and/or not giving birth as in the case of surrogacy, so that they don't
need to pretend their family is not "different." Supporting parents to
embrace their fears around disclosure to their children, including the
common fear that it will negatively impact the relationship between the
child and the non-genetic parent. As with traditional adoptive families,
we provide guidance around sharing their child's "story, make decisions
around disclosure to others, and to gain understanding around the huge
difference between privacy and secrecy.
Some would try to argue that the need for secrecy with children of families
using donor assistance to conceive is because there isn't the same societal
acceptance of this type of family building method as there is of adoption.
Again, families need to understand that the cost of protecting children
with secrecy is quite high. Two wonderful resources for understanding
the impact of "secrets" on family dynamics are The Secret Life of
Families by Evan Imber-Black, and Lethal Secrets by Annette
Baran and Reuben Pannor. Instead of protecting their children, parents
can acknowledge conflicting societal attitudes, and prepare their children
to handle unkind comments that may come their way. This is not unlike
how adoptive parents prepare their children to handle unkind comments
about adoption, or racist remarks in transracial adoption. To assist
adoptees and their families with difficult questions and comments C.A.S.E.,
developed an empowerment program and published the W.I.S.E.
Up! Powerbook .
At this point in time, families choosing alternative family building
methods can make choices about using known vs. unknown donors, as well
as choosing sperm banks and infertility clinics that allow for possible
future contact with donors or couples who donated leftover embryos, if
that is desired. Because children vary in their curiosity, desire for
information, and other emotional needs, having the possibility of contact
is no small advantage.
There are, of course, differences between traditional adoptive families
and families formed through third party assistance. However, the ways
in which these families are similar should not be ignored. We have learned
so much from how secrecy in adoption practices of the past which caused
so much pain to members of the adoption circle. As always at C.A.S.E.,
we believe that talking is good for everyone .
It is imperative that we recognize the long term benefits of openness
and disclosure. The challenges that these families face are as complex
as in adoption and therefore sometimes require the support of professionals.
We advise families to access resources, like C.A.S.E., in their communities
who have the expertise to address these unique needs.
RESOURCES
Making Sense of Adoption, by Lois Melina
"Talking with Children Conceived through Donor Insemination, IVF with
Egg Donor, Embryo Adoption or Surrogacy" by Ellen Singer (C.A.S.E. www.adoptionsupport.org).
Lethal Secrets: The Shocking Consequences and Unsolved Problems
of Artificial Insemination, by Annette Baran and Reuben Pannor,
Choosing Assisted Reproduction: Social, Emotional and Ethical Considerations ,
by Susan Cooper and Ellen Glazer.
Helping the Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination, by
Carol Frost Vercolone and Heidi and Robert Moss
The Secret Life of Families: Making Decisions about Secrets by
Evan Imber-Black
Books for Children :
Mommy, Did I Grow in Your Tummy?, by Elaine Gordon
How Babies and Families are Made (There is more than one way!), by
Patricia Schaffer
Let Me Explain: A Story of Donor Insemination, by Jane Schnitter
From Discord to Harmony: The Impact of Temperament in Adoptive
Family Relationships
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
"In a successful orchestra, all instruments must be heard. Likewise,
in families, all children must be heard. Parents are the conductors responsible
for ensuring that happens." These words were part of the opening remarks
of Lynn White-Dixon, a well-respected therapist and adoption educator
from California whom C.A.S.E. was fortunate to have as our keynote speaker
for the parent program at our annual KAN Carnival held on November 11.
The theme of our conference this year - entitled THE HARMONY IN ADOPTION - centered
on the special qualities each individual person brings to his/her family
to create each family's unique "personality." While the children were
busy with fun activities around this theme, Ms. White-Dixon helped parents
understand the impact of temperament on family relationships.
The terms temperament and personality are often confused. Ms. White-Dixon
defined temperament as the genetic 'hardware' for our basic instincts
and behavioral nature. She explained that it cannot be changed. Personality
is the 'software' of our nature and is influenced by our environment
and experiences. If temperament is the "how" we do something, personality
is the "why." As Ms. White-Dixon said, "Temperament is the iron wire
on which the beads are strung."
All parents may wish to avoid recognition of how their children may
be different from them. Adoptive parents wishing to make strong, secure
connections with their children in the absence of the biological connection
may find it especially painful to acknowledge how their children differ
from them temperamentally. However, understanding, acknowledging, and
working with these differences is crucial because it can reduce parent-child
conflict. As the adults, we need to make adaptations to our child's temperament.
If we don't, we risk creating an emotional climate of rejection instead
of one of acceptance. Adaptation includes being able to change the ways
we view our children's temperaments and make adjustments in our responses.
Some examples: A wild child is a child who is full of life. A stubborn
child is one with great determination. A parent must learn to be respectful
of a child whose activity level is lower than the parent's instead of
telling themselves that their child is lazy. A parent who handles frustration
with persistence who has a child who is easily discouraged when frustrated
must learn to be patient and supportive while the child learns to manage
frustration.
In so doing, we help our children feel that they belong as we also help
to foster their sense of self-esteem. As Ms. White-Dixon said, "We need
to keep the long view. During childhood, we're making deposits toward
our future relationships with our children as adults."
RESOURCES
Gottman, John, Joan Declaire and Daniel Goleman, Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child. 1998.
Hartzell, Mary and Daniel Siegel. Parenting from the Inside Out, 2004.
Littauer, Florence . Personality Plus for Parents: Understanding What
makes Your Child Tick, 2000.
Shick, Lyndall. Understanding Temperament: Strategies for Creating Family
Harmony, 1998.
Tieger, Paul and Barbara Barron Tieger. Nurture by Nature: How to Raise
Happy, Healthy, Responsible Children Through the Insights of Personality
Type, 1997.
ASK ELLEN
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
DEAR ELLEN,
I have two sons conceived through donor insemination who are now 13
and 17. At the time they were conceived, our doctor advised that we did
not ever need to tell our children this fact of their conception. I believe
now that this was a mistake that I would like to correct. My wonderful
husband has understandable concerns about the impact of this disclosure
on his relationship with the children. However he agrees with the decision
to share the truth, confident of the strong bond and love between him
and his children. How do we tell them the truth?
I applaud you and your husband for your bravery. While I am happy to
share some general ideas about addressing this subject with your children,
first and foremost, I advise anyone seeking to disclose this information
to adolescents to obtain professional assistance. It is important to
discuss the specifics of your family's situation including what your
children are like, what is going on presently in their lives -- in order
to prepare for what your children may need to assist them as they process
this important information.
In general, children are different, of course, and what this new information
will mean to them will vary. Parents can start by being honest not only
about the role of the donor in their conception, but about their reasons
for not sharing this information up until this point in time. If the
reason was because they were given advice to keep it a secret, say so.
If it was because they were afraid this knowledge would hurt the child,
say so. If it was because they were afraid it would impact the relationship
with the non-genetic parent, say so. The parent can then share their
present thinking on these matters, including that they now believe that
this was not the right way to handle things. Parents can express regret
about their past thinking and decisions, and can apologize for any hurt
it may cause their children now. They must be prepared for and give their
children permission to express their feelings including sadness, anger,
confusion and even relief (oftentimes children feel the impact of the "secret",
but don't know what it is.) Parents should also reassure their children
of their love, their belief that this disclosure will serve to strengthen their
relationship with their child, and that they will do everything possible
to build back any trust that their children have lost in the parents.
Parents can assure their children that there is nothing else that is
being kept from them that they are entitled to know (explaining privacy
vs. secrecy).
If indicated, counseling should always be considered to help children
process this new information. Children must be given permission to grieve
for the feelings of loss they may experience around not being biologically
related to their father, mother, or both, and to express their questions
and feelings about the donor men/women/surrogates responsible for their
conception/birth. Individual/couple counseling may also be indicated
to help parents with any feelings of guilt, loss, sadness or anger around
their children's reactions. And of course, family counseling can help
with any challenges in parent-child relationships that may arise. Rather
than be afraid of the challenges, families can use this opportunity to
strengthen their relationships with their children.
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