E-Newsletter - July 2007
In this issue
The Questions We Ask Ourselves
"Love is Not Enough" Huge Success
More Information - Summer Reading
Ask Ellen
The
Questions We Ask Ourselves
By Hannah Worthington
My bright, funny, accomplished 23 year old son plops on my bed to announce
that he was pulled over by a police officer - again. "Why?" I ask. "Driving
while brown", he answers. We warmly share a chuckle. How is it that a
white, middle class, fifty-something, suburban American woman can be
invited to fully share such a culturally loaded chuckle with a brown-skinned
Latino young man born and raised his first few years in rural Nicaragua
? I think an exploration of some of the answers will be my contribution
on the topic of transracial adoption.
Over the last 20 some years, my husband and I have fielded questions
about our family. We've been asked how it is to raise someone else's
children. We've been asked how we deal with children so close in age,
especially four boys - our ready made family. People have wondered out
loud how abused and neglected children generally turn out and what its
like to voluntarily have so much ongoing interaction with the abusing
families. We've been asked if we miss not having started with infants
and how we cope with the "baggage" older children bring. But, this is
the first time I've been asked specifically how it is to adopt transracially.
It wasn't in the standard adoption training 25 years ago. In fact, one
of the standard messages, then, was that adoption was the child's
story to tell. The child had the option of when and how and even whether
or not to reveal their adopted status. Transracially adopted children
don't have that luxury. And, every time they look in a mirror they themselves
are reminded of their adopted status. As parents, did we then
overcompensate for that constant reminder? Did we swaddle them in "color blindness?" We're
all the same on the inside, we said and we believed. Did we
observe only the content of their character? Did we believe we could
bequeath them, by virtue of their adoption, privileges otherwise reserved
for those born of the dominant culture?
Does being raised by parents who had the luxury of being blinded to
the difference in skin tones give them thicker skins? Does it give them
the ability to see other people's wrong headed assumptions based on skin
color as irrational and unfounded, rather than as personal attacks? Does
being raised with the privileges of the dominant white middle class American
culture give them the ability to laugh off misguided principles such
as racial profiling and racial stereotyping? Or does the well nurtured
content of their character allow them to rise above some of the injustices?
These are the questions we ask ourselves as we watch our sons
forge their identities into young adulthood. So, as my son and I had shared
that chuckle, even knowing that neither of us would ever fully understand
the other's take on the incident, we were continuing to make our way through
the landscape of transracial adoption.
Back to top
"Love
is Not Enough" Huge Success
Two
More Workshops scheduled for VA and MD
More than 70 people signed up for Love is Not Enough: Parenting
in Transracial Adoption presented in April.
A panel of five articulate, intelligent and candid transracially
adopted adults shared experiences, wisdom and offered sound
advice to an eager audience of parents committed to learning how
they can help meet the unique needs of their children.
The half-day workshop was led by Executive Director Debbie Riley,
who provided the context for the panel discussion and delivered a
comprehensive overview of the unique challenges that adopted
children in transracial families encounter as the move into adolescence.
Parental response was extremely positive. One mother, moved
to tears said, "I can't help being emotional. I didn't
realize how much I didn't know before. I don't think
of my daughter as 'being a different race.' She's my daughter,
and I love her. But now I understand: how I see my family,
how my daughter sees herself and how the world looks at us are
very different."
Amy Campbell, mother of two girls from China noted, "I am so glad I
attended the Love
Is Not Enough conference
last April. The panel members were all personable and very well-spoken.
I am very grateful to them for their willingness to share about
their own lives as I hope it will help me to better address the
needs of my own children. It as clear that all the young people
felt loved by their parents growing up, but they also shared
about the loss and grief they experienced without the real,
positive contact with their birth culture. I enjoyed hearing
how they'd come to be the healthy, charming people they are
today, and it was especially interesting to me to see how
each young person, with their different personalities, had
followed the path that suited him/her best.
Summer
Reading
Parents who are raising adopted children of different races face the
important challenge of ensuring that their children grow up with knowledge
and pride about their racial and cultural heritage. Open communication,
often initiated by parents helps ensure your children form cohesive,
positive identities and healthy self-esteems.
To help you begin the process, and to provide you background information
about this important subject, please refer to Parenting in Transracial
Adoption and From the Experts on Transracial Adoption
Books to consider for children and teens:
W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle
(ages 6-12)
A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza
(ages 2 to 8)
Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale by
Karen Katz (ages 2 to 6)
Horace by Holly Keller
(ages 2 to 8)
Families Are Different by Nina
Pellegrini (ages 4-8)
We Adopted You, Benjamin Coo by Linda
Girard ( ages 8-11)
The Face in My Mirror by
Maureen Wartski (12-16)
Books for Parents and Professionals:
Black Baby White Hands: A View From the Crib by
Dr. Jaiya John
Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg
and Beth Hall
Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by
Debbie Riley and Dr. John Meeks
"Creating an Emotional Safe Place ", Aug./Sept. 2005 Adoption Today magazine
Birth Marks by Sandra Patton
Weaving a Family by Barbara Katz Rothman
Outsiders Within edited by Jane Jeong Trenka,
Julia Chyere Oparah and Sun Yung Shin
In Their Own Voices by Rita Simon and Rhonda
Roorda
I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla by Marguerite
A. Wright
Back to top
ASK ELLEN
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
Dear Ellen,
My family is getting ready for our family vacation. I would like to
use this time to explore what is on my children's minds about adoption.
Do you have any suggestions for how I might do this?
Given the typical hectic pace most families experience during the school-year,
summertime usually means more relaxed schedules and the opportunity to
spend more laid-back, "quality" time with our children. As such, the
summer months present a wonderful opportunity for parents to explore
feelings about adoption with their children. However, since summer is
usually equated with "fun," adoptive parents may, in fact, be reluctant
to do this, because the possibility of bringing out complex feelings
may feel like the antithesis of fun. Parents are therefore encouraged
to remember that summertime is also a time to experience emotional growth
(maturity) and learning (if not academic). Exploring feelings about family - both
birth and adoptive -- can be counted among those experiences that can
potentially make a child's summer especially meaningful and memorable.
There are a number of activities to consider during these summer months:
- Choose a time to bring out photo albums and/or old movies/videos
that show when your child first joined your family. This activity
can generate conversation about your child's adoption story.
If you have more than one child, you will need to decide what
can be discussed as a family and what should be done individually
with each child to allow for privacy about the details of
each child's story. Include your feelings about adopting your
child while acknowledging to him or her that you understand
they may have "mixed" emotions. Be sure to validate how acceptable
that is.
- Especially if they have not been doing so, explore your
children's interest in connecting with people who were part
of their early history: foster parents, foster siblings, orphanage
staff, and social workers. Children can write letters or e-mails,
send photos or drawings, or can create gifts with arts and
crafts. As your children do this, remember to encourage them
to share their feelings about these different people and to
ask questions they may have.
- Explore your child's cultural heritage. Locate resources
in the library, activities and events (cultural festivals,
outdoor concerts, theater and museums) in your area. If you
happen to live in the DC area, good sources of information
include the Washington Post, local Gazette newspapers and
Washington Parent and Families magazines. If your child was
born in the United States , help him learn about the area
of the country where he was born.
- Read a book together or at the same time (and/or watch a
movie) with the theme of foster care/adoption. Discuss the
characters and stories and encourage your child/teen to share
thoughts and feelings. Talk about the similarities and differences
between the story and your child's adoption story.
- With its relaxed schedule, summer is the perfect time to
help your child learn the W.I.S.E. Up! Program - especially
as your child meets new children at camp, in the neighborhood
and during family vacations. It is a great time to practice
the principals and empower your child before the school year
starts. Even if you are familiar with W.I.S.E. Up! and already
have the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook , your child may
enjoy revisiting the book. It can be interesting to see if
responses have changed from previous years. Feel free to contact
C.A.S.E. with questions about W.I.S.E. Up!.
- Exploring adoption includes your child's place in his adoptive
family. Share stories and memories of your summers and about
your own family vacations. Summertime often entails connecting
with extended family members - include them in the above activities:
e.g. grandparents can read adoption books as well; cousins
can be included in family outings to cultural events.
- Oftentimes, the desire to seek professional assistance around
adoption-related concerns or questions is delayed because
of time constraints. The summer months may be the best time
to address them given the reduced pressures of school, extra-curricular
activities, etc.
Most important, remember to let your child determine how adoption-related
conversations unfold. as in..You lead the horse to water and see if he
wants to drink.
Happy summer!
