E-Newsletter - June 2007
In this issue
Even Though I'm From Mars, I can
still speak "Adoption."
All Adoptive Fathers Can Learn to Communicate with Their Children
About Adoption
When
a Spouse is Reluctant About Adoption...
Continued from "Looking Beneath the
Mask"
Ask Ellen
Even
Though I'm From Mars, I can still speak "Adoption." All Adoptive Fathers Can Learn to Communicate with Their
Children About Adoption
Parents who adopt want the world to know: once they attach to their
adopted children, all the love, devotion, commitment and concern they
feel is no different from that felt by parents who attach to a child
by birth.
What is different is that adoptive parenthood involves specific
tasks related to helping children address the unique issues
and challenges that come with the adoption experience. With Father's
Day just around the corner, In C.A.S.E. asked adoptive fathers to share
their experiences and perceptions. We wanted to know how they approach
the sometimes daunting, yet important task of addressing adoption-related
issues with their children. We wondered if fathers think that mothers
do a better job of processing feelings with their children? And, if so,
do they tend to leave the subject of communicating about adoption to
mothers? Their answers were very insightful...
Adam Pertman, Executive Director of the Evan
B. Donaldson Institute and author of Adoption Nation, is the father of
two children, a 13-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter, both adopted
domestically. Pertman stressed how important it is for the public at
large to understand that, while adoptive families are formed differently
than biological families, the vast majority of the realities of "being
a father by adoption" are no different than those experienced by biological
fathers. " The complexity involved in helping children
make sense of their adoption experience is largely what is different," he
said, noting that adoption's central role in his professional
life has helped make it comfortable and natural for him to establish
an easy rapport with his own children about their adoptions.
Pertman also believes that all adopted children would benefit from communicating
about their adoptions with both their mothers and their fathers. He noted
that, in his family, his children's conversations with each parent usually
depend on a variety of factors, included those related to gender, topic,
and t development (their age). For example, Pertman's son may go to his
wife for help on subjects he views her as being more knowledgeable about
and will seek advice from him about subjects for which he seeks male
validation, especially now that he is a teenager. Pertman says the question
is, "Who is listening to whom about what (at any given point in time.)?" So,
it may be that a son or daughter is more comfortable discussing thoughts
and feelings about adoption with each parent at different ages, as they
grow. "The important thing to remember is to give the message that both
parents are willing and available to answer questions and listen to feelings
related to adoption."
Often, fathers are less comfortable sharing adoption-related information
and processing emotions since they feel they're not sure how to go about
it. Many may not have shared this kind of open communication with their
dads. As a result, even today, some fathers still leave parenting tasks
related to emotions to their wives, especially with daughters.
Increasingly, however, fathers today spend more time and are more involved
with their children than in the past. They want to be close to their
children emotionally and realize that, in order to do so, they need to
learn how to get comfortable opening up dialogues about important subjects.
Adoptive fathers who understand how empowering it is for children to
explore and master the unique issues related to being adopted - how much
it can impact a child's self-esteem, sense of security and identity - are
likely to want to be engaged in that process. Pertman notes that oftentimes,
what fathers need is to learn how to ask effective questions and give
appropriate responses to their children's questions. In fact, Pertman
had to learn this for himself. For example, when he asked his son years
ago, "Do you think about adoption?" Zack replied, "No, not really." Then
Pertman figured out that the reason he received that reply - which surprised
him -- was because he was not asking the right question. When he changed
the question to, "Do you think about your birth parents?" his son replied, "Oh,
all the time!" and a good discussion followed from there.
Blake, an adoptive father of a six year old adopted daughter, states
that he definitely sees it as his role to share adoption-related information
with his daughter and talk about her feelings. He does admit to wondering,
however, whether his wife "will be able to relate more to the emotions." To
fathers who have this concern, it may be helpful to know that many adoptive
mothers also admit to not always being able to understand their children's
emotions: loss, sadness, fear, anger, curiosity, confusion related to
adoption. Even parents who were adopted themselves, cannot always intuitively
imagine what making sense of adoption feels like for their child. In
any case, fathers need to know that, even when they don't completely
understand feelings, they are still communicating when the exhibit respect,
support and validation of their child's feelings. In other words, a dad
can be understanding, without necessarily having to fix feelings and "make
it better." It's OK to say, "I don't know exactly how you're feeling,
but I do know how frustrating it can be to not know things you want to
know. I wish it didn't hurt you so much. I love you.."
Mitchell, adoptive father of two teenage daughters from Korea admits
that his wife was the one who did the adoption-related reading and attended
seminars. They both assumed it was her job to have adoption-related discussions
and "report back to him." He notes that his wife seemed so confident,
while he felt anxious about "not getting it right." Now, however, Mitch
notices that, at 16, his older daughter seems to feel more comfortable
talking about her birth parents with him. She seems interested in understanding
her birth father and wants "the male perspective." This is not uncommon.
Mitch's daughter is also more likely to talk to him about going back
to Korea and possibly meeting her birth mother. Mitchell believes that
because his daughter thinks the process of search and reunion will be
much more emotionally charged for her mother, that talking to him about
this topic, frees her from "worrying about what her mother is feeling."
Martin, father of a 10-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son from
Kazakhstan sums up the experience of adoptive fatherhood this way: "I
comfort them when they are sick or sad. I separate them when they argue.
I worry about them when they struggle. I feel sad when they are upset
about being teased because they look different from us. I rejoice in
their little successes and achievements. I know it's important for me
to talk to them about everything, including adoption."
To Martin, Mitchell, Blake, Adam Pertman and all fathers, Happy Father's
Day.
Back to top
When
a Spouse is Reluctant About Adoption...
It was a second marriage for Sharon, 40 and Bill, 49. They both had
children from their first marriage - he two grown children in their 20's,
she a 13-year-old son. The couple came to C.A.S.E. for help with a fairly
common dilemma: Sharon wanted to adopt a child and Bill was reluctant.
In our first counseling session, Sharon began by saying that it had
always been her intention to have a big family. She wasn't done
parenting. She wanted to adopt. Adopting from Guatemala was the couple's
plan. But in the eleventh hour, Bill had seemingly gotten "cold feet."
As an older parent, he explained, he realized that ambivalence
was tugging at his sleeve all along. About to leave for Guatemala
, he finally told Sharon that he couldn't see heading into retirement
with a child still to raise. Sharon was heartbroken, but determined. It
looked like a lose-lose situation.If Bill's wishes prevailed, Sharon
's disappointment could turn into resentment that would threaten
their marriage. If Sharon pressured Bill to proceed against his will,
his lack of interest could interfere with his ability to attach to the
adopted child and hurt his relationship with his wife.
It is, of course, not unusual for couples to not be
on the same page when it comes to both small and major decisions in life.
However, no decision compares with the life altering, irreversible decision
to become a parent. Add to the mix, the decision to parent by adoption,
and the stakes feel greater. While the decision comes naturally and easily
to some people, it is common for an individual to experience feelings
of great ambivalence, especially when adoption is a second or third choice
in family building.
The Causes of Ambivalence
Loss and Grief
There are a number of factors involved in an individual's
difficulty in sharing hi/her spouse's interest in adopting. Infertility
involves the experience of a number of significant losses. In order to
adopt, a person must give up the biological/genetic tie and any accompanying
fantasy of passing on their 'bright blue eyes and musical talent', and/or
having a child that looks just like them. The couple will not
go through the pregnancy experience together. There are other losses
as well. There certainly are people who find that these losses are not
difficult to make peace with. These folks, though, are usually the exception.
For most people, these losses are extremely painful. Because adoption
can only really fix the loss of the parenting experience, a spouse who
is deeply grieving these other losses may not be ready to embrace adoption.
General Ambivalence "I can take it or leave
it."
Sometimes reluctance to adopt has to do with general ambivalence about
parenthood. Some individuals do not have a strong desire to parent in
the first place. However, because they are not against it, they may be
willing to accommodate their partner who desires it and agree to have
a family - by birth, that is. When that plan fails, they may lose all
motivation to become a parent, especially when presented with
the losses, challenges, unknowns in adoption. Additionally, if a couple
is experiencing secondary infertility, a person already ambivalent about
parenthood may feel quite satisfied with the child(ren) he or she has
and be unwilling to expand the family through adoption.
Fear "I know someone whose child has RAD
(reactive attachment disorder)."
For many other would-be parents, the challenges, uncertainties and unknowns
in adoption are experienced as overwhelming and frightening. The reluctance
to adopt is based on fear, which can be crippling. Sensational media
horror stories stay transfixed within a person's mind that cannot be
easily shaken. The reluctant spouse may know someone who has had a negative
experience with adoption, and makes generalizations from this sample
of one. Common fears include having to go through the home study process;
being hurt by a birth mother who promises to place and then changes her
mind either during the pregnancy or worse, after placement; the health
of the adopted child; complications that could interfere with the completion
of the adoption, as when a country closes. Prospective parents may wonder
if they can really love a child not born to them, and vica versa.worry
that their adopted child will not be able to successfully attach
to them.
Other concerns
There are many other possible reasons for a spouse's unwillingness
to adopt. Personal concerns and circumstances regarding health, employment,
and other sources of stress may make the adoption process feel
too daunting, complicated to undertake, or just undesirable. As with
Bill, who felt his age and stage of life seemed incompatible with adoption,
the reluctant spouse may find that the journey to adoption leads to a
reexamination of their priorities in life, which may not include adoption.
Working through the Impasse
Communication and Respect
Throughout the decision-making process, open,
honest, respectful communication about what each spouse is feeling is
of paramount importance. This is easier said than done. Some reluctant
spouses are so upset by the 'eager'
spouse's "campaign efforts" that they put more energy into resistance
than into understanding and/or working through the causes of their ambivalence.
It is therefore important for the spouse who wants to adopt to take a
step back, identify their emotions - frustration, anger, sadness - and
strive to be respectful of their partner's different position.
Again, this is not always easy to do. The eager spouse's fear of potentially
being denied the opportunity to parent can be overwhelming.
Getting to the Stage of Acceptance
It is equally important to recognize
and remember that individuals go through the grief process of infertility
in their own way. Therefore, it is not at all unusual for couples to
be in different places in terms of their readiness to embrace adoption.
Some couples may be fortunate to find that over the course of time, the
reluctant spouse comes around. Given space and time to grieve, the reluctant
spouse may move into the stage of acceptance where Plan B or (C) can
be looked at with renewed energy and optimism.
When it doesn't look like time itself is going help the spouse to embrace
adoption, it makes sense to determine if a spouse is feeling stuck in
grief. It will be important to help him/her have a better understanding
of what the grief is about. A woman named Linda was having a difficult
time accepting that the donor egg process was not working. She was deeply
attached to the idea of being pregnant. A deeper probe into the experience
of this loss helped her to uncover her strong need to be in control.
In preparation for beginning her family, she had learned a great deal
about prenatal care and nutrition. As Linda worked through her concerns
and learned more about adoption, she and her husband decided that they
would feel most comfortable with an open adoption. Getting to know adoptive
parents and birth parents in open relationships helped her to proceed.
Her son is now five years old.
Overcoming Fear
When fear is the main stumbling block, the spouse who
wishes to adopt may find being patient and understanding very challenging.
The eager spouse may be more naturally inclined to be positive, confident,
and less "risk-adverse", and thus feel dismayed, impatient and critical
of their partner's fears. Once again, it will be more helpful for the
couple to work together to address the fears and see if they can be overcome.
Suggestions for this include adoption education: attending informational
and other adoption-related workshops/seminars and taking online
adoption-related courses; reading; talking with adoption professionals
including social workers and attorneys; and talking with other adoptive
parents. Many adoptive parent organizations welcome prospective parents
to their educational as well as social events to provide them with the
opportunity to talk with adoptive parents and meet the children. The
reluctant spouse can find out how other parents worked through their
grief and/or fears related to adoption. Discussion of how adoptive parents
selected their adoption option may prove helpful as well.
Getting Help
While many couples may be able to work through the impasse
around the decision to adopt on their own, there are resources available
to assist couples through this process. RESOLVE peer-led support groups
offer couples the opportunity to explore their feelings with others who
share similar concerns. The likelihood that the reluctant spouse will
find support and comfort in others who share his views is high. In addition,
the opportunity to talk with people who are ready to adopt (who are not
his or her spouse!) can provide a boost of welcome encouragement. Additionally,
going through the infertility/adoption process can feel very lonely and
isolating. When couples are in conflict in the decision making process,
they can feel even more alone and isolated. A support group can help
to mitigate that sense of isolation.
Finally, professional assistance (from someone with expertise in infertility/adoption)
should always be considered. Individual counseling may be effective
in helping the reluctant spouse resolve issues around grief, fear and
other troubling concerns. Counseling is meant to help people gain insight
and problem-solve. Joint counseling can help couples to not only resolve
the crisis of the impasse, but strengthen the marital relationship.
Counseling can help ensure that couples resolve the conflict without
damage to the marital relationship. Couples in counseling often find
that the impasse in the adoption decision can be a catalyst for positive
changes in the relationship. Of course, resolving the impasse may mean
that the eager spouse comes to accept the reluctant spouse's position.
In that case, counseling can help the spouse work through their disappointment
and grief. With Sharon and Bill, counseling helped Bill to understand
Sharon 's desire to adopt in a whole new light. That new understanding
helped to calm his doubts. Counseling helped restore the emotional intimacy
that had been lost. They are proud parents of a seven year old
girl from Guatemala . According to Sharon, "Bill is really smitten."
Back to top
Continued from "Looking Beneath the Mask"
"The parents were reassured that it was common for families to discuss
birth mothers more than birth fathers. They were also told that the belief
that birth fathers are not important to the adoption decision and have
little interest in their children is widespread and has been perpetuated
over time. However, the therapist pointed out that adopted teens are
actually very interested in learning about their birth fathers. Normal
adolescent concerns about dating, sexual identity, and moral standards
are heavily influenced by paternal characteristics. The importance of
this information to boys like Adam may be obvious, but adopted girls
are equally curious about their birth fathers.
"The therapist explained to Adam's parents that their son might have
thoughts about his birth father but was keeping them to himself, since
his birth father had never been mentioned to him. They were strongly
encouraged to share the information they had. The therapist pointed out
that the birth father's death might even have contributed to the decision
to relinquish Adam. The parents were told that Adam's capacity for abstraction
and his understanding of human behavior would help him to make constructive
use of this crucial fact about his origins. Of course, the therapist
also continued to recognize the parents' extreme anxiety about entering
into this subject matter with their son.
"It was important to pro7 February, 2008to them to do what was best for Adam. The therapist agreed that this
information would cause Adam anxiety and pain but that their willingness
to tolerate his discomfort and to stay with him while he processed his
reaction would help him to move forward stronger than ever. Parents do
not need to take away pain. They need to acknowledge it and sit lovingly
with the suffering child.
"Adam's parents went home to contemplate their choices about if and
when they were going to share this information with their son. Several
weeks later, they called and asked if they could come in again to discuss
their decisions. The parents informed the therapist that they wished
to bring their son in to talk about all of this and sought advice as
to how to introduce the notion to Adam. The therapist had several individual
sessions with Adam exploring what he knew about his story and the thoughts
and questions he may have as a teenager about his adoption experience.
Adam was curious about what extra information his parents had; he had
suspected for a while they were holding something from him. Adam felt
that it had something to do with his birth father, since they never brought
him up.
"After some preparation work with the parents and Adam separately, a
joint session was held in which Adam's parents acknowledged that they
had some more information about his story. They said they hadn't known
when to thell him but learned from the therapist that the information
is his to know. The parents proceeded to tell Adam about his birth father.
Adam tried to quietly process his parents' words and started to cry.
He shared that he knew something was wrong because no one wanted to talk
about his birth father. Adam understood why his parents hadn't shared
this with him up until now, but he felt a little angry that they had
waited so long. "I have been thinking about him from time to time and
thought I might want to find him one day. I guess that is never going
to happen now."
"Adam chose to continue therapy for a while to work on his feeling surrounding
the death of his birth father and the questions it raised for him surrounding
his relinquishment. Adam always wondered why his birth parents did not
keep him and now suspects that, due to his birth father's death, his
birth mom could not parent alone. Though sad about his loss, Adam is
relieved that he has been given the crucial part to his story that his
parents carried. He realizes there are other pieces of missing information,
which he may obtain later in his life.
"Adam's parents also feel relieved, as they had become uncomfortable
holding on to this information but did not know how and when to share
it."
In C.A.S.E. subscribers save 15% - if you order Beneath
the Mask by June 30 Th 2007
To order your special offer copy, email arbogast@adoptionsupport.org
Back to top
ASK ELLEN
By
Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education
Dear Ellen,
I have a 12-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son from Russia . We are
looking forward to our family trip to Russia in July. I am in the process
of preparing them for the trip. My daughter is very excited, but my son
says he's American and has no interest in Russia . How can I get him
to better appreciate this incredible opportunity to learn about his heritage?
During the home study process, if not before, parents who adopt internationally
are educated to understand the importance of helping their children
to establish strong, positive connections with their birth culture.
Parents understand that as a "multicultural family," it is essential
for their children's self-esteem and positive identity to develop
pride
[in their birth culture. Parents accomplish
this goal in a variety of ways - they buy books, music, and art; attend
festivals; go to restaurants; and establish relationships/friendships
with people who share their children's heritage. Traveling to a child's
birth country is an exciting part of this process.
Sometimes, however, connections to birth heritage can present challenges
for adopted children. In the absence of birth family information, information
about the birth country becomes a major source of information about a
child's past. And, as such, can elicit a wide range of emotions, including
pride, anger, love, hate, sadness, curiosity, fantasy and fear. Some
children may have ambivalent feelings about their birth country as a
result of learning about their country from other sources, such as school
or the media - especially if they have heard negative comments and perceptions
from others. And finally, children who are concerned about "fitting in" may
not want to call attention to anything that makes them feel different
from their peers. Thus, they may say they are "American" and want to
leave it at that. With this knowledge, parents can prepare themselves
for the possibility that their child may have complex feelings about
their birth country which come across as ambivalence, or lack of interest.
Awareness about such complexities is important for parents making decisions
about how to approach the subject of birth country with their children.
Learning about the birth country often goes hand-in-hand with processing
feelings - about culture and their own adoption story. In addition, children's
thoughts and feelings will likely change over time. Therefore, parents
need to bear in mind that what is right for one child/one family may
not be right for the next. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Children
bring their own stories, memories, emotional resources, personalities
and needs to every situation they encounter.
This does not mean parents should refrain from encouraging their child's
involvement in birth country-related cultural activities. Just
as parents routinely involve their children in activities children may
or may not actively express profound interest- religious instruction,
sports, music and art lessons, homework, reading, for example - they
should do the same with activities related to the birth country.
At the Joint Council on International Adoption Annual Conference,
keynote speaker Susan Soon-keum Cox, Vice President of Public
Policy and External Affairs for Holt International Services shared
a story about her unwillingness to attend a Korean festival with her
family when she was a pre-teen. Her parents respected her feelings,
yet attended the festival without her. As she matured and began to
integrate her Korean heritage into her identity, Susan's knowledge
and memory that her parents interest in Korean culture was sincere
and not something "they
had to do for me" was precious.
For more about this topic, C.A.S.E. has developed a developmental
Fact Sheet called "Birth Country Connections for Families of International
Adoption.
C.A.S.E. has developed a Questionnaire to help parents with the many
choices for connecting to the birth country, while considering
what is best for each of their children and what is comfortable
for their family. To purchase your copy of Birth
County Connections for Parents with Internationally Adopted
Children click
here.
