CASE:eNewsletter

E-Newsletter - March 2007

In this issue

Where is your real mother? Why don't you look like your parents?

SIX THEMES FOR THE ADOPTED ADOLESCENT
Excerpt from Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens, Debbie Riley, MS

Although not all teens dwell on each of the subjects described below, it is common for teens to grapple with each area as they try to gain understanding of their personal adoption experiences.

1. REASON FOR ADOPTION

Prior to adolescence children are extremely curious about their adoption story, but they seem to accept most of the answers they are given. Sometimes they lack the cognitive development to truly understand all the ramifications of what they are told. Sometimes adoptive parents sweeten the story or omit painful details. But, in adolescence, the tone of the questioning changes. Adolescents demand fuller and more factual answers, and they often respond with anger. They now understand that most mothers love, nurture, and protect their babies. Why not in their case?

As more sophisticated critical thinkers, adolescents refine their earlier vague questions into the very personal exploration of the question. "Why did my birthmother and birthfather leave me?" Loss in adoption does not have closure as in death. The birth family is out there somewhere in Romania , Siberia , Guatemala , Texas , Maryland , somewhere. Things are not final.

2. MISSING OR DIFFICULT INFORMATION

Adopted children often have to face the reality that there is information they would like to know, but it may be unobtainable.

They may say, "I don't know what my birthparents looked like. I don't even have a picture of them." And they may ask questions like: "Why was I abandoned? Or "Do I have any brother or sisters?" Adolescents want definite information about why and how they came to be relinquished as well as concrete facts about the people who brought them into this world.

Therapists are often asked for advice on the correct timing for sharing information about a child's adoption with him. Experience has taught us that there is no cookbook answer. Certainly, by adolescence, parents should reveal all the details they know. The risks of providing potentially upsetting information to the maturing adolescent are diminished by the increased cognitive capacity to process information and newfound openness to considering facts and feelings through many different lenses.

No matter how difficult the parents may believe the facts to be, the adolescent may well have created even more disturbing fantasies about the missing information. Often, adolescents embrace the new information and move it constructively into their sense of self. Parents also feel relieved after revealing withheld information.

3. DIFFERENCE

Feeling different from peers is the worst curse of adolescence. Nowhere along the stages of life do people so desperately want to fit in, to be a part of the group, as they do in adolescence.

Being adopted creates a sense of being different in many ways. Adoptees may have a different appearance than their adoptive family, may have a different race or cultural background than their family, and may feel different from peers who are being raised in biologically related families. If not addressed, negative feelings about these differences can affect a child's sense of self-worth and security with his adoptive family.

In biological families, resemblances are taken for granted. In adoptive families, differences, particularly racial difference, are in the forefront. Parents from the majority culture often minimize the power of outside world's bias. Consequently, they may have no idea of the depth of racism their child is experiencing when out in the world on their own.

4. PERMANENCE

Adoptive children are at risk for developing maladaptive beliefs about the security of the relationship with their parents. They think, I've lost one set of parents; I could lose another. This is especially true for those who have experienced multiple moves prior to adoption.

Some adopted children go to great lengths to test their parents' commitment, often without awareness of their motivations. Some teens are so fearful of abandonment that they construct elaborate defensive strategies to ensure that few people are able to get close to them.

Here are some teen's thoughts about this issue:

I have lived in so many homes, I am sure I will move again. Nothing lasts forever
When I go away to college, will my parents still be there for me?
Will my parents still love and accept me for who I become?

Fear of separation may inhibit the adopted teen's ability to achieve emancipation from parents. On the other hand, parental anxieties may lead either to clinging behavior, or conversely, to subtle messages of rejection. Either extreme can cause the adolescent to regress and fail in this final step of adolescence.

5. IDENTITY

A major task of the adolescent period is to form an identity. Peers assume increasing important in this process, but this does not alter the fact that the identity core evolves from the family.

Teens raised by their biological parents have the information about how they are similar to and different from their parents, and yet it is still a puzzling process for them. So for adopted adolescents, the task is far more complex. They must figure out how they are like and different from two set of parents, even though they may have limited or no knowledge of one set. Many adopted adolescents ask themselves questions like these:

Who am I? Am I like my adoptive parents or my birthparents or both?
Who would I have been if I stayed with my birth family?

It is not surprising that adolescence is a time when heightened desire to search for birthparents surfaces. Adopted adolescents, in their search for self, reactivate in the adoptive parents the powerful realization that the birth parents do exist. It may be difficult for them to accept that these distant relations are an integral part of who their children are and will become.

Telling your teen about the similarities you see between yourselves can be invaluable exercise for adoptive parents. Teens are amazed by their parents' perceptions and feel a stronger sense of bonding as a result.

6. LOYALTY

All adopted children ponder the existence and character of their birthparents at some times in their lives, no matter what their adoptive experience. Whether placed at birth or later in life, placed domestically or internationally, all children spend a lot of energy and time working on this issue.

Many adopted adolescents experience guilt related to these thoughts and feelings. Fearing the disapproval of their parents, adopted teens may hide their feelings and struggle alone. Teens and their parents must realize that thinking about birthparents does not mean they love their parents any less.

Parents and professionals need to accept the psychological presence of birthparents in the minds of teens. We need to accept the depth of these thoughts and the difficulty teens may have in sharing them. "I am so afraid to tell my mom that I think about my birthmom," said Amy, a 16-year old. "In the past when I mentioned this to her, she acted upset. I love her and don't want to hurt her."

To learn more about how adoption influences adolescences, please join us for our workshop - Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens , Thursday, March 22, 2007,

7 p.m. - 8:30 p.m., to be held at our Silver Spring/Burtonsville location . Please visit www.adoptionsupport.org or call 301-476-8525 to learn how to bring this workshop to your area.

To learn more about the book Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens , please visit our website.

Where is your real mother? Why don't you look like your parents? Using W.I.S.E. Up! To Respond to Questions about Adoption
By Ellen Singer, LCSW-C

It is the rare adoptive parent who has not encountered questions or been subject to comments about adoption. In same race adoptions, it will be by people who know your family was formed by adoption. In trans-racial adoption, it may come from complete strangers. Well-meaning people may ask to be friendly, out of curiosity, or to express their own opinions. They often are not aware that they are being inappropriate. Questions like, " Oh, is your husband Asian?", "Do you know anything about her real parents?", or "Are they really brother and sister?" or, comments like " Oh, those children are sooo lucky!", and "She's so adorable, how could anyone give her away!" New parents, particularly, often describe a range of emotions - feeling "caught off guard", angry, violated, scared, sad, and helpless to name a few. They may feel compelled to respond and share aspects of their story that later they regret, may display anger that is uncharacteristic and unsettling, or just generally feel miserable. When this happens in front of children old enough to be aware of what is happening, parents may feel especially concerned about the impact of the questions on them as well as what they are demonstrating to their children with their reactions.

Most parents therefore quickly learn that in order to minimize and cope more effectively with the distress these experiences can bring, they must prepare themselves for the questions and develop responses that they can comfortably use. Adopted children and teens are likely to encounter these very same experiences - with their peers - friends, classmates, neighbors - when they are alone, and not under the "protection" of parents. It is imperative that they too get help and guidance. It is clear that if adults do not have accurate information about adoption and do not realize the impact of their questions on adoptive parents, children cannot be expected to show sensitivity either.

In fact, school-aged children are typically frightened by the thought of adoption. The idea that one can "lose" parents is a very scary one and is often the subject of many childhood stories and fairy tales. The "mother" replacement is usually wicked (e.g. Cinderella). Children also receive the same misinformation and are subject to the same myths about adoption that their parents are - from television/movies and the media. Do birth mothers sell their babies on the Internet? Are some adopted children kidnapped from their birth parents? If you're not biologically related, you don't really have the same bond. Driven by fears and understandable curiosity, with little understanding of what adoption means, non-adopted children may relate to the adoptee as they might to a child with a physical disability - asking questions and making comments to accentuate how they are different - to distance themselves from the adoptee in order to comfort themselves that this could never happen to them. Knowing that they are delving into private territory, non-adopted children are likely to ask these questions when other adults are not around.

These questions in the title of this article are just samples of the ones hundreds of children seen at The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) report getting from their peers. Add to that list questions like, "Why were you adopted?", "Can I see a picture of your first mother?", and comments meant to tease like, "Chinese Eyes!" These questions - coming from the "outside" - often mirror the exact questions that adopted children are asking themselves "inside" as they struggle to make sense of what being adopted means about them and to them. These experiences create an added burden of emotional vulnerability.

In response to this predicament, The W.I.S.E. Up! Program was developed to empower children to respond to questions and comments made about adoption. It is a powerful tool used at C.A.S.E. and taught to children in groups; in individual and family therapy; at camps for adopted children; programs run by adoptive parent support groups; and parent/child workshops. It has been distributed worldwide! The W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook , written by Marilyn Schoettle, an educator and former Director of Publications and Education at C.A.S.E, was created so that parents could teach this empowering tool to their children. A complete facilitator's guide for teaching the program to parents is also available.

In W.I.S.E. Up! Children explore their feelings about the questions as they learn that they have four possible options for responding to questions and comments about adoption- each represented by the four letters of W.I.S.E., a tool designed for quick memorization:

W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT'S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.

With practice, children can choose between W, I, S, or E without hesitation. In the process of embracing the W.I.S.E. Up! Program into their lives, they sometimes find themselves able to "take the sting out" by laughing at the question. They also learn to anticipate additional questions that may come when they respond with S or E. The W.I.S.E. Up! SM tool can turn a challenging moment into an experience of confidence and success.

Parents and therapists who use this program with children also find that it is often a door opener that can lead to other important discussions/conversations about adoption.

To learn more about W.I.S.E. Up! SM , please join us for our W.I.S.E. Up! ^SM workshop , Saturday, March 24, 2007, 10 a.m.-12:00 p.m., to be held at our Silver Spring/Burtonsville location. Please visit www.adoptionsupport.org or call 301-476-8525 to learn how to bring this workshop to your area.

To learn more about the W.I.S.E. Up! ^SM Powerbook and/or Facilitator Kit , please visit our website.

ASK ELLEN
By Ellen Singer, LCSW-C
The Center for Adoption Support and Education

DEAR ELLEN,

My sixteen year old daughter is asking now to meet her birth parents. I was expecting and hoping that this would wait until she was an adult.

Many adoptive parents become fearful or anxious when the topic of meeting birth parents comes up, worrying that the stability of their family life will be threatened. But for most teens, a desire to search (or simply to gather more information) does not mean that their love for- or attachment to - their adoptive parents is diminished. It is really a part of a normal developmental process that is unfolding now.

Searching for one's sense of self, or identity, is the job of all adolescents. But for those who are adopted, the task is more complex: "How can I know who I am without knowing where I came from?" they often ask themselves, and "How will this affect the person I wish to become?"

Teens who express a desire to find their birthparents have most likely already begun an "internal or intrapsychic" search. This means that they have started to think more intensely about aspects of their adoption story, wondering who their birth parents are, how they may be similar (or dissimilar) to each of them, or why they were placed for adoption. They also may be scared of "opening" their adoption and of the emotions and uncertainty this may unearth.

If your child has brought up the notion of a meeting or a search, do your best to help her explore her thoughts and feelings. (It is often difficult for teens to bring up the topic of birth parents because they don't want to seem disloyal or be hurtful.) Beginning a dialogue- and respecting what your teen has to say- can ease her worries, especially if you convey that you will be supportive and understanding. Ask open-ended questions like, "If you were to meet your birth parents, what would you like to ask them? What do you imagine they are like? What do you think your reunion will be like?"

Once you begin a discussion, you may find that the desire to search is actually just a quest for information, or a way to express sadness, anger or confusion. Even though your child wishes to know more about the circumstances of her adoption, she may not be asking for a face-to face meeting now.

On the other hand, if your teen is serious about wanting to search (or meet birth parents), enlist professional support from a therapist who has experience with adoption-related issues. It is important for parents to respect each child's individual needs, and resist 'one size fits all' beliefs about appropriate ages for contact with birth parents.

Adolescent adoptees should have the opportunity to prepare for all of the possible search outcomes, including rejection by a birthparent, learning that one has died, realizing that there's a disparity between fantasy and reality, or-in the best-case scenario- the opportunity to build a relationship with and integrate the birth parent(s) into their lives. Parents may also need help with their own feelings, as well as for guiding their teenagers through the search-and-reunion process.